DISLIKE IT? I DEFINETELY HATE IT!

昼前にＱが来た。結論の出るようなものではなかったが、何カ月か振りでまともな話ができた。昼食をごちそうになった。当面の借金をした。何とも情けない気分。爆発したい気分。

前回読んだときにすでに引用したかもしれないが、“Noonday Demon” から。

… the surest way out of depression is to dislike it and not let yourself grow accustomed to it. (p. 29)

I began complaining [to my analyst] that I was overwhelmed by the messages on my answering machine and I fixated on that: I saw the calls, often from my friends, as an impossible weight. (p. 45)

Becoming depressed is like going blind, hearing less and less until a terrible silence is all around you, until you cannot make any sound of your own to penetrate the quiet. (p. 50)

I can remember lying frozen in bed, crying because I was too frightened to take a shower, and at the same time knowing that showers are not scary. (p. 52)

… I would lie in the safety of the bed and feel ridiculous. And sometimes in some quiet part of me there was a little bit of laughter at that ridiculousness, and my ability to see that, is, I think, what got me through. Always at the back of my mind there was a voice, calm and clear, that said, don’t be so maudlin; don’t do anything melodramatic. Take off your clothes, put on pyjamas, go to bed; in the morning, get up, get dressed, and do whatever it is that you’re supposed to do. (p. 53)

One friend used to hold my hand while she sang lullabies. Some evenings, my father read to me from the books he had read me when I was a child. (p. 54)

恵まれてるじゃないか。うらやましい。そんなにいい友人と父親がいるなら、自分は元気満々だな。 多分、うれしさで大泣きすると思う。Solomon が最初に処方されたのはZoloft とXanax。自分にとってはどちらも馴染みのある薬剤だ。Xanaxについては、よほどフラフラさせる薬のように書いているが、Xanax でそんな状態になったことはない。一体、どんな服用量だったのか。