Books of This Year

Books, 2007:
“The Secret Language of Feelings” (Calvin D. Banyan)
「ガセネッタ＆シモネッタ」(米原万里)*
「魔女の１ダース」(米原万里)*
「ロシアは今日も荒れ模様」(米原万里)
“Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar” (Simon Sebag Montefiore)
“Nehru: A Political Life” (Judith M. Brown)
“Uncovering Clinton” (Michael Isikoff)
“The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression” (Andrew Solomon)*
“Findings: Fifty Years of Meditations on Music” (Leonard Bernstein)
“The Infinite Variety of Music” (Leonard Bernstein)
“The Joy of Music” (Leonard Bernstein)
“Ousted!” (Patrick Keith)
“Reflections on ASEAN” (Mahathir Mohamad)
「不実の美女か貞淑な醜女（ブス）か」(米原万里)*
“Darkness Visible” (William Styron)
“Between Peace and War” (Richard Ned Lebow)
“Power and Interdependence” (Robert O. Keohane and Joseph S. Nye)
“The Human Factor” (Graham Greene)
「行人」(夏目漱石)*
「こころ」(夏目漱石)*
“Sophie’s Choice” (William Styron)
“Shared Responsibility and Unshared Power” (Ho Khai Leong)
“The Ministry of Fear” (Graham Greene)*
“Travels with My Aunt” (Graham Greene)*
“The Heart of the Matter” (Graham Greene)
“The Power and the Glory” (Graham Greene)
“The Comedians” (Graham Greene)
“At Canaan’s Edge” (Taylor Branch)
“A Burnt-Out Case” (Graham Greene)*
「嘘つきアーニャの真っ赤な真実」(米原万里)
“Stamboul Train” (Graham Greene)
“Woodward and Bernstein: Life in the Shadow of Watergate” (Alicia C. Shepard)
“All the President’s Men” (Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein)
「白い巨塔（第１巻）」(山崎豊子)
「白い巨塔（第２巻）」(山崎豊子)
「白い巨塔（第３巻）」(山崎豊子)
「白い巨塔（第４巻）」(山崎豊子)
「虚構大学」(清水一行)
「二つの祖国（上巻）」(山崎豊子)
「大地の子（第１巻）」(山崎豊子)
「白い巨塔（第５巻）」(山崎豊子)
「大地の子（第２巻）」(山崎豊子)
「大地の子（第３巻）」(山崎豊子)
「大地の子（第４巻）」(山崎豊子)
「二つの祖国（中巻）」(山崎豊子)
「二つの祖国（下巻）」(山崎豊子)
“The Final Days” (Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein)
「今夜、すべてのバーで」(中島らも)
「さかだち日記」(中島らも)
“Orientalism” (Edward W. Said)
“Milosevic: A Biography” (Adam LeBor)
「外国語としての日本語：その教え方・学び方」(佐々木瑞枝)*
*Repeat

*

「はばたけホークス」（発行所：株式会社南海ホークス、編集室：ペンデザインスタディ）の表紙、その他を写した。同誌は76年９月に創刊。年４回発行の予定だった。ところが第５号であえなく廃刊。第２号の後に払い込んだ年間購読料1000円は戻ってこなかった。第６号が届かないので、株式会社南海ホークスに電話で問い合わせると、ペンデザインスタディが倒産したとのことだったと記憶する。

第５号（表紙はもうひとつピントの合ってない藤田学）の最終ページにある「編集室メモ」には、「……結局、これと言って何１つできなかったことにも、後髪を引かれる思いをしております。各方面の皆様方に、多大のご協力をいただきながら、満足の行く編集ができなかったことを深くお詫びいたします。

来年は、再び４月から今年どおりの発行をする予定でおりますが、皆様の一層のご協力をお願いする次第です」。

「今年どおりの発行をする予定」と書きながら、もうこれでおしまいとも解釈できる内容か。中学生の1000円を返して。はばたかなかった「はばたけホークス」……。

*

来期、ソフトバンクが南海ホークスのユニフォームを復刻して、数試合で使用するかもしれないらしい。やめてもらいたい。現在、同じ「ホークス」を名乗っていても、福岡は「ライオンズ」の土地であって、ソフトバンクと南海を結び付けられない。

"The Singapore Story"

Two nights ago, I stared “The Singapore Story,” which I bought rather many years ago but toward which I had not felt very strong, to say the least. Only after a few pages of the book, we can look into the man’s mindset.

“We played with fighting kites, tops, marbles and even fighting fish. These games nurtured a fighting spirit and the will to win. I do not know whether they prepared me for the fight I was to have later in politics.” (p. 32)

“Had [his mother] been born one generation later and continued her education beyond secondary school, she could easily have become an effective business executive.” (p. 34)

A fighting spirit learned from those boys’ games and its connection to his later political struggle and an allusion to a “business executive”… It demonstrates how radically different he is from me and vice versa. My own life has no place for fight or competition and a strong drive toward business, i.e. creating material wealth.

Photo Processing Continues

朝方、久しぶりに蚊に襲われた。雨続きでまた蚊の繁殖か。

*

甲子園球場での阪神巨人戦の写真がある。昨日から昭和52年のものなのか、53年のものなのかわからなくて困っている。入場券を確認すると、両年の７月30日に甲子園に行っているではないか。２年続けて同じ日に行った記憶がない。ただ、田淵は「股間打撲」で欠場中で、写真の試合には出場していないなかった思う。写真からわかるのは、阪神先発が古沢憲司で、おそらく巨人は西本聖だったことと、試合は巨人が勝ったこと。７月30日ということはオールスター明けのカード。本当に田淵が出てなかったら、彼はオールスターにも出場していなかったはず。

*

おぉぉぉ。田淵がオールスターに出てないのは昭和52年。写真の試合は、この年に違いない。解決したように思う。しかし、翌年に甲子園に行った記憶がないのはなぜ？

*

I’ve finally managed to book a hotel room in HCM City. It is quite cheap (US$15 per night) but the amenities include Wi-Fi internet connection at the lobby. Sounds good enough.

I processed and stored in my PC the photos of “Tanglewood” (August 1987) and Hawks ballgames (double-header, May 1976).

Digitizing My History

I’ve spent hours and hours since this morning to digitize my old photos using COOLPIX. Only half way through, I needed to charge the battery. Photos of my childhood and baseball games, but there are still so many more to go. Those taken in the US, Korea and Taiwan, and of my working days in Japan also should be processed. While the macro mode is a very useful function, I realized, with this mode, some photos become blurry even if they are originally well-focused. I believe that an image scanner will do a better job. And I recognized (once again) my father’s nice skill in photography, looking at those he had taken. After all, he was a man who was developing photos he had taken in the darkroom, though it was before I was born. In his days, cameras didn’t have an autofocus function. My Olympus OM1, which I got when I was thirteen, didn’t have it either. It was your own skill that counted.

*

I think about creating a website exclusively committed to the Hawks photos and memorabilia. As far as I know, the sites that now exist are mostly (or all?) about the post-Nomura era. I would upload the photos I’m still keeping alive. Perhaps one reason why the existing sites are about the last few years of the club is that people who created and are managing the sites are quite young. And those folks who still remember the Nomura-era seem too old even to imagine creating a website. (Hahaha! I’m too young to know the Tsuruoka-era.)

*

再読だが、今年最後の１冊。「外国語としての日本語：その教え方・学び方」（佐々木瑞枝）。

形容詞や動詞の変化は、自分も教えていて経験したことだが、それ以外にいろいろと重要な指摘がある。例えば、「継続動詞」と「瞬間動詞」。「車が走っています」（現在進行形）と「車が止まっています」の違いだ。自動詞と他動詞の差異。「お金が儲かる」と「お金を儲ける」や「コップが割れました」と「コップが割れてしまいました」の違い。

さらに日本語で使われる「漢語」について、著者は「漢語には四拍語（大学、結婚、解約、状態など）が最も多いという調査結果がある。……「高校卒業」を「高卒」と言ったり、「特別急行」と「特急」と言ったり、短縮することで、また新たな四拍語を作り出す。……漢語は四拍語にしたほうが落ちつくといった、語感に対する無意識の作用も働いているのではないだろうか。

『外人は差別用語だと聞きました。なぜ、正式に外国人と言わないのでしょう』と留学生から言われたことがある。……日本人の側に立って弁明すると、差別の意識など微塵もなく、単に四拍語だから落ちつくといった原因があるのではないだろうか」とも述べている。

*

I received an invoice from Mt. E Hospital. Why? I’d already paid directly to the doctor…

Camera Arrived!!

The camera arrived tonight. It is so much smaller than I expected!! And I found out that I needed an outlet adaptor for battery charge as its specifications are all according to the Japanese standard, making me run to TB Plaza to get the adaptor. Coming back home, I immediately started charging the battery or so I thought. The indicator began flashing, which means it is being charged. The manual says that it takes about 100 minutes to complete the charging. After three hours, the indicator was still flashing and I referred to the thicker manual and it says, if it is rapidly flashing, the battery is having trouble. BOOOOO!! I removed it from the charger and reinserted it into it. Then steady flashing, which I needed to find… NOW IT IS FULLY CHARGED.

Benazir Killed in Suicide Bomb!!!

Bhutto killed in suicide attack (Al Jazeera)

Benazir Bhutto, the former Pakistani prime minister, has been killed in a suicide bomb attack on an election rally in the city of Rawalpindi

At least 15 others were also killed in the attack with another report saying at least 20 bodies were seen at the rally site after the explosion.

"It was a suicide attack. We don't know the number of casualties as yet. It happened just outside the venue. The attacker blew himself up when people were dispersing after the rally," an interior ministry spokesman said

Al Jazeera's Sohail Rahman reporting from Islamabad said several hundred people had attended the rally.

Milosevic, Butcher or Victim

I’ve reached the end of “Milosevic.” It seems that Slobodan Milosevic’s life was at least in part controlled by his wife, Mira. However, considering that his religious father left his family when he is still young and his mother was protective and dogmatic and also both of them committed suicide, it may be little wonder that, for him, Mira, another dogmatic woman, was the only person he could completely trust.

And was he “the butcher of the Balkans”? He displayed strong hatred toward the Bosnian Serb leaders, Radovan Karadzic and General Ratko Mladic. Was it Milosevic’s tactical maneuvering just to stay in power? I do not know. But more prominent to me is the hypocrisy of some of the leaders of the West.

After Milosevic signed the Dayton agreement 0f 1995, which ended the Bosnian war, Douglas Hurd, a former British foreign secretary, approached him for a deal to privatize Serbian state companies, along with Pauline Neville-Jones, who had acted as the head of the British delegation at Dayton. And Bill Clinton’s phone call to chitchat with him?

At the time of the publishing of this paperback edition (2003), Slobodan Milosevic was still in the dock at The Hague. He would die there in March 2006. The Yugoslav leadership had produced a statement, signed by Federal President, Vojislav Kostunica, Serbian President, Milan Milutinovic and Serbian Prime Minister Zoran Djindjic, that said, “The criminal proceedings before the Belgrade Distric Court against Slobodan Milosevic, former President of the Republic of Serbia, FRY, and President of the Socialist Party of Serbia, were not undertaken in response to the demand of the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia…” And another brief document made it clear that “Slobodan Milosevic will not be handed over to any judicial or other institution outside the country.” See what happened to him…

Incoherent Short Stories

Xmas holiday is over. Nothing to do with me though a few people very kindly sent me well-wishing messages to my phone.

*

In bed for more than 20 hours. A few incoherent short stories.

A scene of downtown Kyoto seen from a high building or airplane. The meteorologist was saying, “Now in Kyoto, the visibility is only one meter.” The city was covered with fog, but it seemed to me the visibility was not so bad.

*

I found many not-so-large cardboard boxes and a few tin containers in front of the family’s Kyoto house. Tin containers for storing off-season clothes people were using before plastic ones appeared. Apparently the day of moving. Mother and brother were ready to go. But I had not been told about moving at all…

And music was sounding in my head… one of the pieces my neighbor often practices.

*

らも氏が「さかだち日記」で語っている「頭が割れて、そこからうどんがヌルヌル出ていて、その前で花魁が三味線を弾いてる」幻覚よりはずいぶん健全か。

*

A cheap Ho Chi Minh hotel I tried to book though a website is full during my visit. Not convinced, I tried another website and am now waiting the reply. An interesting thing is that different websites list different rates for the same one hotel.

I'm That Beautiful Mt. Fuji

イライラするのは、きっと言いたいこと、爆発したいことを、ずっとこらえてきたからだろう。いや、まだ言っても言っても、言い足りないことが山のようにあるのだろう。こらえているという意識が爆発すべき時にあっても、それを押さえ込んでしまうメカニズムが脳内に埋め込まれてしまっているようだ。「話してどうなる」と。タブーに浸って育てばそうなるのかもしれない。真正面から話をしたくても、落ち着いた会話が成立せず、言い争いになるだけだったり……。本当に深くえぐられるように傷ついた時には、反論せずに黙ってその場を去りたい思うだけ。休火山かな。噴火すると、自らの形を醜く変えることにもなるのだけど。

Let Me Sleep!! (Round Trip Booked...)

「さっさと眠りに落ちる」などと書いてしまったためかどうか知らんが、全く眠れなかった。午後10時には睡眠準備完了。そのうち眠るだろうと思いながら“Milosevic”を読み進めた。11時半、読むのをやめて眠ろうとしたが午前０時半になってもダメ。Epilimを２錠飲んだが、３時になっても眠れないのでベッドから出た。

*

眠れないイライラの中で、滞在延長の申請が我慢ならないほどうっとうしくなり、航空券を予約した。ホテルは空室を確認中。５日出国、８日再入国。

Confused over Where I am

さっさと眠りに落ちる日が続いているが、起きるのに苦労する。けさもそうだったが、はっきり目覚める直前に、自分がどこにいるのかわからず、混乱したことが数回あった。大阪のアパートだろうか、それとも知らない場所だろうかと。一瞬して、「ここ」にいることを悟って安心する。そしてまた眠ってしまう。

ちょっとは外出して、「活動的」にならんといかんと思う一方、「どこへ行って何をするのか」と考えてしまう。カメラが到着すれば、「ゆかりの場所」を撮影しに行こう。そして、ネガがなくて再プリントできない写真を接写して保存しよう。

*

この先の計画は、滞在延長の如何次第ということもあるが、ＥＳＬコースの受講は決心した。これから先への投資だと理解しよう。やはり「fly out」しないといけないようだと、二重にカネがかかることになるが、これは避けられないこと。

Overhead Full Moon Night

真天上に満月の夜。

I Have Almost Made up My Mind to Take the Course

Late afternoon, I made a call to the course manager to talk about my visa issue. She told me that she would produce a letter to be presented at the immigration office. As this course does not require a student pass, which is fine in itself, my status as a tourist won’t change. I don’t know if there is any participant from overseas except me. If there is any, I believe that he or she is also entitled to stay only for 30 days. Even if I get an extension with the letter, it won't be enough. I need a further extension to complete the course because the final assignment is in April. I’ve already made rather too many land-crossings. The Woodlands checkpoint is suspicious.

*

With the certificate, what would I intend to do? Having been a city dweller since I was born, my desire to live in a more humanly natural or fundamental, if materially inconvenient, environment is still strong. If I feel overwhelmed in some negative way in such an environment, that should also be fine. I believe that is something I need to go through. In fact, that is what I should have experienced when I was so much younger. Once certified, I may seek a position in a developing country.

When I was around 30, I thought about working at an Israeli kibbutz, to make my hands dirty. But I never took any action to make it a reality. In hindsight, it seems a wise no-action. I don’t want to extend my hand to help colonizers to further their occupation work.

*

Also today, I deposited the total amount for the camera. It was successfully done, even though it took me more than half an hour because of a $5 note, which the two deposit machines, located at TB Plaza, repeatedly rejected.

Student Again? And Mother and Daughter

My feeling is inclining to take up a course to become a certified TESOL instructor. There are issues to be resolved, e.g. my visa which expires just when the course starts. And when I have to be active in searching a job, this costs me a substantial amount of $$. However, this certification would protect me in the future to an extent, if not guarantee, in terms of employment. There are always people who want to learn the language. I should talk to the course director to be sure of what she can do to extend my visa without my flying out of the country. This time’s trip plans, whether to Myanmar or Vietnam, are forced upon me, and I don’t think I have enough time to prepare “psychologically,” even though those countries are just “over there.” I’m an old chicken.

*

1974年に日本赤軍のメンバーがオランダのフランス大使館を占拠した「ハーグ事件」の控訴審で、東京高裁は元幹部重信房子被告に一審が下した判決、懲役20年を支持した。読売、産経の両紙（電子版）によると、上告する方針だという。レバノン生まれの被告の娘は、ジャーナリストとして活動している。実際にそこに住み、そして見聞きしたアラブ世界を日本語で伝えることのできる数少ない人ではないだろうか。さきごろヤンゴンで警察部隊に射殺された長井健司さんが所属していた通信社のサイトで彼女の姿を見ることができる。

Butoh -- Byakko-sha

思いがけなく、あの特異な「白虎社」に出会った。麿赤児や「たそがれ清兵衛」に出演していた田中泯とも関係する「白虎社」に所属していた舞踏家による助成金の申請書だった。経歴や申請の理由には、自分の日常からかけ離れたことが書かれているが、やはりカネなのか。助成金がなければ活動できない。他に見た２件の申請に関してもやはり全く同じ思いがする。同時に自分の小ささも実感させられる。

*

「e-bay」でNikon Coolpix S510（コンパクトデジカメ）を落札した。と言っても入札したのは自分だけだったが。購入の理由は、長くなった髪の自分を撮っておきたかったのがひとつ。あとは、シンガポールにしても、ビルマにしても、ベトナムにしても、自分の歴史を記録しておきたいから。髪は歳をとる程に「クルクル」が激しくなる。引力に反して、今はまつ毛も上向き。

In Bed for a Day and Half

今日は正午前に目覚めた。だが、いつから眠っていたのか？17日の午前１時だったか２時だったかに眠ったような気がする。思い出すと、いったん午後３時頃に起きて、コンピューターの電源を入れた後、そのままベッドに戻ってしまったようだ。食事もせず、トイレにも行かずに。そうだとすると、ほぼ丸１日半をベッドで過ごしていたことになる。眠っていても聴覚だけは反応していることがよくあって、近くのコンド工事現場の音や、外で話す人の声が聞こえたりしていた。悪夢にうなされていた訳でもなく、何でそんなに長く寝てしまったのだろう？

*

What is my métier?? There has been no real satisfaction or serene uplifting of mind in what I’ve done in my career so far. The teaching job I had back home was so money-oriented, and I didn’t not consider it as anything educational or even remotely serious. Many students expected to be spoon-fed and “learning English” was just a faddish phenomenon influenced by the irresponsible commercial media of Japan. The company went bankrupt eventually. A writing job was really inspiring and made me feel that I was doing something, but then when the lunch break was not a break and dinner had to be delayed until 10 pm or later, it was not a mystery at all that it took a toll on my physical and mental health.

*

Yangon? Ho Chi Minh? Hanoi? And then??

I Want More about Milosevic's Childhood, and My Trip Destinations

I’m reading “Milosevic” at a steady pace. Especially after “Orientalism,” which in many parts is recondite, it is a big relief that I don’t have to read the same one sentence several times to understand. When one writes about him, it may be natural to devote many pages to his rapid rise through the Communist hierarchy ladder and of course the 3-way war in the former Yugoslavia. However, my interest in his life is to learn more about how his childhood and relatively young days affected his later career as both his parents committed suicide. It seems that as a person, he found the absolute security in his wife, Mira. No matter whatever I do, Mira is always with me, defends me and never betrays me.

By the way, his daughter, Marija, was quite a glamorous beauty, judging from the one photo in the book! She, still while a teenager, married a diplomat and went to Japan along with him. She, a very much pampered kid, didn’t like the life in Japan and got bored, left there and divorced him. Her recent photos show a complete auntie, though. She was reported to have had a “nervous breakdown” after Milosevic was removed from power.

*

Because the immigration officer at Woodlands was not very clear what “fly out” really means (must it be to Japan? Or anywhere?), I’m now thinking about destinations excluding Japan. Myanmar is an obvious candidate but visiting there requires a visa. Another is Vietnam, which I’ve also been interested in visiting because of the books I’ve read about the war and the movies, “THE SCENT OF GREEN PAPAYA” and “Full Metal Jacket.” To enter Vietnam, it is not required to obtain a visa, as far as the stay is within 15 days. As the year end, when embassies will be closed, is approaching and I can’t still make up my mind, a trip that requires no visa seems attractive.

2 Familiar Names Gone

おととい、昨日となじみの名前の訃報が続く。14日、花井悠（元西鉄）。15日、島野育夫（元中日、南海、阪神）。

毎朝、朝日放送の「おはよう朝日です」で登校前に見ていた花井さん。江夏・江本のトレードで76年のシーズンから南海から阪神に移籍した島野さんが、大きく話題になったのは選手時代ではなく、82年にやはり阪神のコーチだった柴田猛と横浜での大洋戦で岡田功球審に暴行し、出場停止になったことだ。

個人的には、南海時代の75年５月５日のロッテ戦（大阪球場）を記憶している。１回裏、先頭打者として先発の村田兆治からヒットで出塁。盗塁に成功した後、得点する。南海はこの１安打と１点だけでこの試合に勝ったのだった。南海先発の松原明夫（故人）は、ロッテを完封。

*

The poor fellow at the shop called me, and said my membership is now ready. After my complaint, the shop made it ready in a day. If they can do it in such a short period, why couldn't they have done so much earlier??

Active Day

昨日（木曜日）の夕食に「冷凍かにクリームコロッケ」を食べた。おととい（水曜日）の買い物中、突然「食べたい……」とう衝動が走ったのだった。後悔した。いくら熱くしても冷凍臭が残って、この上なくまずかった。

*

A day of action (by my standard): I settled the phone bill, mailed a postcard to my mother, placed a complaint to a computer shop at TB Plaza and went to Tanjong Pagar to retrieve a letter from the tax office.

This computer shop told me at the time of my application on November 23 that it would sent an e-mail to me for confirmation. I’ve never received such an e-mail. A young man working at the shop’s customer service was apologetic. I heard him say “Many customers claim…” when he was talking to another office. Hmmm… It seems I’m not alone. Apparently, they are having some computer system trouble. System trouble at a computer shop? Quite a joke. I demanded my membership $$ back. He pleaded me to give him another week. So I relented, but not satisfied, made this young staff write a short letter (in his unsteady English) to guarantee the refund if I don’t get the e-mail within a week.

A letter from the tax office arrived at the current address of my former employer. After I resigned, the employer moved to Tanjong Pagar to become a company under a group in need of capital injection.

*

The poor fellow at the shop called me this evening, and said my membership is now ready

Tablets on Their Way

朝日新聞のウェブサイトから：「80歳前でも現役バリバリ！最新作だけでなく往年の名曲も楽しみ。バート・バカラックが日本に来日」

「日本に来日」って、未だにこんな日本語を使う人がいるとは。それも新聞社のサイトで……。

*

Jean, who works at the clinic, contacted me today and said she would send tablets by post. Thanks.

*

Yesterday at Gleneagles, right after I finished “Orientalism,” I started “Milosevic: A Biography” by Adam LeBor. 30 pages are behind me at this moment.

A Hiking Trip

Yes, I’m really tired. This morning, I called the clinic six or seven times. Though there was no answer, the busy tone I heard in two of my calls made me optimistic to think the clinic was open today. I decided to try my luck.

I took Bus 16 to Paterson Road and then, from Orchard Boulevard, 174 to go to Bukit Timah Road. Because I wasn’t sure at which stop I should get off, I did so after the 174 passed a supermarket in my very old neighborhood. From the bus stop, there was quite a distance to the clinic. When I finally reached there, it was only to find a “closed” sign. I wrote a message and slipped it inside from under the door, requesting to inform me when it would reopen.

I thought that my first neighborhood doctor and the one, who originally referred me to the clinic, Dr. Goh, might be available and somehow could help me. Then I decided to walk back the way I came from, but at the same time I was thinking that I would be too late for his morning consultation. There I was, standing in front of the door of his clinic, which was shut. But it was the disappointment I had expected. With my head down, I was leaving the place to cross Farrer Road when I found myself between the shuttered door and the doctor sitting on a bench, talking on his phone.

“Doctor…”

I explained all about the closed clinic and told him I had run out of pills. He asked, “Oh, maybe she went on a holiday. But why are you here? You think I…” He opened the shutter and quickly made a prescription note for Cymbalta so I could bring it to a pharmacy.

A relatively near and large medical institution where I might get it is Gleneagles. I tried two pharmacies in the hospital and neither had it. I asked for an equivalent or even something “similar.” But they said, “No. It must be this particular one.” Exhausted, I rested myself on a sofa at the hospital (and finished “Orientalism” there). Or they had. Dr. Goh spelled “Cymbalta” as “Simbalta.” And the spelling I thought might be correct was “Symbalta.” Should I try tomorrow again or just hope that the clinic opens very soon?

From Gleneagles, I walked to Isetan to get rice, which also ran out a few days ago, and some other food stuff and then the Orchard MRT station to add value to my EZLink Card because the value was below $0. I finally took Bus 123 at the Lucky Plaza to come home. What a hiking all through drizzle, from Bukit Timah Road to the Lucky Plaza!

*

My pace to read “Orientalism” greatly quickened once the book entered the final chapter, “Orientalism Now,” which discusses the more recent decades. For some like me, who pathetically lacks the required knowledge of, for example, Napoleon’s invasion of Egypt, it would be better for better comprehension to jump from “Preface” to “Afterward” and then start reading the first chapter.

[O]ne of the great advances in modern cultural theory is the realization, almost universally acknowledged, that cultures are hybrid and heterogeneous and, as I argued in Culture and Imperialism, that cultures and civilizations are so intertwined and interdependent as to beggar any unitary or simply delineated description of their individuality. (p. 347)


Much of the most compelling work on the new political and economic order has concerned what, in a recent article, Harry Magdoff has described as “globalization,” a system by which a small financial elite expanded its power over the whole globe, inflating commodity and service prices, redistributing wealth from lower income sectors (usually in the non-Western world) to the higher-income ones. (p. 349)

I have quoted a few parts from the work almost randomly. I’m hearing now the voice of Said that says “explain why you quoted this part but not that part.”

Psychiatrist Kills Himself...

According to the Sankei Shimbun website, a psychiatrist working at a Hyogo hospital killed himself for having been prescribing antidepressant pills to a unipolar patient without consultation for two years. The Hyogo prefecture had investigated the hospital for his non-consultation prescription. The doctor’s suicide must be shocking to the patient herself… But without consulting with her, how could the doctor have diagnosed the woman as a unipolar disorder sufferer?

*

I feel tired, very tired… No drive to take action and move "forward."

Said's Sharp Pen, and Info on Myanmar Wanted

When I woke up, it was still all dark outside. I thought the time was still in the midst of the night, but looking at the clock beside the bed, I realized it was almost dawn. Here, morning comes late. The sun is not really up there until 7am, and these days because of rain, it seems even darker at dawn. I went back to sleep after a few pages of “Orientalism,” and when I woke up again, it was already past 4pm. One missed call from a number I don’t recognize. And it was too late to visit the clinic…

*

The top page of the website of the Myanmar Embassy here is blank. So I decided to send an e-mail to inquire about the tourist visa information. And rare for me now, I did so quite fast. Soon after I sent the e-mail, I found that, without the top page, the inside of the site could be read and I managed to obtain the information.

*

Reading works by Edward W. Said makes me realize, with no exception at all, that how I am sloppy in using words, in writing and talking. His knowledge is deep, his observation insightful, and his pen unbelievably sharp.

*

… In 1973, during the anxious days of the October Arab-Israeli war, the New York Times Magazine commissioned two articles, one representing the Israeli and on the Arab side of the conflict. The Israeli side was presented by an Israeli layer; the Arab side, by an American former ambassador to an Arab country who had no formal training in Oriental studies. Lest we jump immediately to the simple conclusion that the Arabs were believed incapable of representing themselves, we would do well to remember that both Arabs and Jews in this instance were Semites (in the broad cultural designation I have been discussing) and that both were being made to be represented for a Western audience… (p. 293)

… When Louis Gardet treats [in The Cambridge History of Islam, first published in 1970] “Religion and Culture,” we are told summarily that only the first five centuries of Islam are to be discussed; does this mean that religion and culture in “modern times” cannot be “synthesized,” or does it mean that Islam achieved its final form in the twelfth century? Is there really such a thing as “Islamic geography,” which seems to include the “planned anarchy” of Muslim cities, or is it mainly an invented subject to demonstrate a rigid theory of geographical-racial determinism? As a hint we are reminded of “the Ramadan fast with its active nights,” from which we are expected to conclude that Islam is a religion “designed for town dwellers.” This is explanation in need of explanation. (p. 305)

In its February 1974 issue Commentary gave its readers an article by Professor Gil Carl Alroy entitled “Do the Arabs Want Peace?” Alroy is a professor of political science and is the author of two works, Attitudes Towards Jewish Statehood in the Arab World and Images of Middle East Conflict; he is a man who professes to “know” the Arabs, and is obviously an expert of image making. His argument is quite predictable: that the Arabs want to destroy Israel, that the Arabs really say what they mean (and Alroy makes ostentatious use of his ability to cite evidence from Egyptian newspapers, evidence he everywhere identifies with “Arabs” as if the two, Arabs and Egyptian newspapers, were one), and so on and on, with unflagging, one-eyed zeal… (pp. 307-308)

*

最新のミャンマー旅行情報は思ったほど多くない。ヤンゴンへは格安航空が飛んでいるが、ヤンゴン～マンダレーの鉄道往復はかなり大変そう。ヤンゴンにはシンガポール系の高級ホテルもある。空路にホテルの「大名旅行」は避けたいが、どうするべきか。マンダレーに行く代わりにラオスのビエンチャンに行くことも考える。「地球の歩き方」でも買って読むか……。

Orientalism Dogmas

Said explains the dogmas of Orientalism laconically in the pages 300-301;

1. the absolute difference between the West, which is rational, developed, humane, superior, and the Orient, which is aberrant, undeveloped, inferior.
2. the abstractions about the Orient, particularly those based on texts representing a “classical” Oriental civilization, are always preferable to direct evidence drawn from modern Orient realities.
3. the Orient is eternal, uniform, and incapable of defining itself; therefore it is assumed that a highly generalized and systematic vocabulary for describing the Orient from a Western standpoint is inevitable and even scientifically “objective.”
4. the Orient is at bottom something either to be feared (the Yellow Peril, the Mongol hordes, the brown dominions) or to be controlled (by pacification, research and development, outright occupation whenever possible).

*

Apparently, the clinic is closed today. I made four calls, three in the morning and another in the afternoon, but nobody answered.

Sleep Only to Feel Tired

雨が続いて嫌。眠れないどころか、ずっと眠ってしまう。そして寝言に悪夢。起きた時の疲労感がひどい。

「うるさい！うるさい、おまえ！」

誰に言ったのか知らないが、声に出してそう言った。直後、何かの説明を始めたが、途中で一瞬覚醒して自分自身の寝言に気づき最後まで言わず。枕元にあった本１冊を床に投げつけ、その本が落ちた音を聞いた記憶。投げつけたかどうかはどもかく、起きるとその本は確かに床にあった。

客のほとんどいないスーパーマーケットで、支払いを済ませようとしたが、レジに誰もいない。間もなくやって来た女性は店の制服ではなく、私服だったので勤務時間を終えていたのだろう。その人とほぼ同時に店の外に出て、「どちらにお住まいですか？」とたずねる。彼女は具体的な場所を言ったかもしれないが覚えていない。自分はらせん階段を意味して、右手の人差し指をグルグル回しながら、その手を少し上げてみた。「そうそう、そこです」と彼女。「そこならよく知っています。以前務めていた会社が近くでしたから」。どうやら、「Bugis」を連想していたようだ。

*

裁判の被告になっていた……が、そうとは認識していなかった。フローチャートのように、書類数枚を「はい」「いいえ」で答えていった。各ページにある小さすぎる署名欄に署名する。監視しているのは原告女性の父親で、検事でもあり、判事でもある人。女性は高校生だった時のＧＦで、彼女は在日韓国人。実家では母親が、「この子は2000英ポンドを（原告女性のために）使った」と言っている。自分本人は何の事かわからないまま判決を聞くと、まさにその2000ポンドが決定的な理由となって有罪が下された。「検事と判事が同一人物で原告の父親で、弁護人もいない裁判なんて無効だ」と反論してみるが誰も聞いてくれない。

*

監獄は大学の大教室か演奏会場のような場所で、正面には舞台もある。そこはやはり大学の教室で、囚人のわりには自由な気分そうな男女が決められた席に座っていた。自分の番号は「306」だった。どの人も、理由なくこの監獄で生活している。みんな、納得している様子だった。「気の毒なことに、あなたも選ばれてしまったんだね」といった表情で、親切に食事や机の使い方について決められている細かい規則を説明してくれた。朝食は８時で、「授業」は９時から。朝食が必要な場合は、事前に申し出る必要があった。授業科目は英語や音楽など。囚人服などなく、「着替えがない」と言うと、ある人が「一度、うちへ帰ればいい。タクシーを使うのはもったいないから、スクールバスに乗ればいい」。スクールバス？ここは自分の出身大学だった。「え、帰宅してもいいの？」と不思議がりながら、着替えを取りにバスでいったん家に帰った。母親に当り散らしながら、衣類の整理ケース１個を抱えて「監獄」に戻った。「衣類の管理はＸＸ（欧米系女性の名前）に頼めばいいよ」とすぐ前の席に座っている女性が言う。

英語の授業。それまでの授業について、一切知らないので戸惑う。衣類管理のことを教えてくれた女性にこっそり説明してもらう。

この人とは、互いを知らないまま「相思相愛」の模様。彼女は、数人と共同で生活しているという家の所在を教えてくれた。（自分のような「新入り」には帰宅が許可されるとはいえ、生活は「監獄」の中だけのはずなのに……。）そこは実家から歩けば２～３分の場所で、この場所を訪れる気になった自分はどうやって「監獄」から出てきたのかわからないが、建物は３階建てほどの高さだった。１階の窓から覗いてみると、数人分の布団が見えたりして生活の気配がある。「家の前にツツジが植わっているのがうち。すぐ近くですね」と彼女に伝える。

*

検事兼判事の男が横のドアから「監獄」に入ってきた。額の左側には中小極小の「日の丸」がペイントされている。罵声で抗議するが無視される。

*

大教室ではなく、よくある大きさの教室では音楽の授業。その途中、原告女性が現れた。また抗議するが、彼女は「罪ははっきりしている。（アフリカの）コンゴであんたが子供の頃に描いたパレスチナの火山を背景にした魔女の絵が見つかっている！」コンゴ？パレスチナの火山？自分にはどれも意味不明だった。そして授業を担当している欧米人女性（もしかすると衣類管理の人と同一かも）が、怒りの表情でその絵を自分に手渡す。色褪せたその絵に描かれているのは、確かに「魔法使い」だったが、それは横山光輝の「サリーちゃん」じゃないか……。

Another Anniversary of December 8

すっかり忘れていた。日米開戦、シンガポール侵攻の12月８日が過ぎてしまった。

*

以前書いたかもしれんけど、張恵妹の「戀曲1990」はサントリーがミネラルウォーターかウーロン茶のＣＭに使ってた歌やないんかな。何か聞き覚えがあるんやけど。

*

The BIG time bomb is ticking inside me.

THE DOG OF THE YEAR!

The old “stray” dog has been identified!! YOU ARE THE DOG OF THE YEAR!!!

読売新聞電子版（「女性救った“湯たんぽ”老犬、無事飼い主の家に」）によると、茨城県ひたちなか市で、氷点下まで冷え込んだ６日の夜、認知症の女性を温めて救ったイヌの飼い主が判明したという。

Old dog saves life of missing senile woman
The Yomiuri Shimbun

MITO--An old dog saved the life of a 73-year-old woman with senile dementia who is believed to have wandered from her home to a park about five kilometers away in temperatures that fell below freezing, police said.

The woman, who went missing from her home in Tokaimura, Ibaraki Prefecture, on Wednesday morning, was found safe by a passerby about 30 hours later, snuggled up with the male mongrel in a park in Hitachinaka in the prefecture.

It is believed she spent the night outside in subzero temperatures.

"She may have avoided hypothermia by hugging the dog to keep warm," a Hitachinaka-Nishi Police Station officer said.

According to the police, the woman slipped out of her house and away from　the supervision of her family just after 7 a.m. Wednesday, wearing only a thin jacket over her sweater. (Dec. 8, 2007)

THANK YOU, THE DOGGY, FOR THIS MOVING STORY!

Absolute Determination So Easily Broken

My absolute determination was to stay awake so that I could go to the clinic. Just at the right moment, I foolishly closed my eyes, and then when I opened them, it was already too late for today’s consultation hours. Ashamed, and electric sensation is again appearing, a very clear sign of my life-supporting SNRI is losing its power. Resigned, I went into another long dream.

*

南海ホークスの秘蔵品を見せびらかし、交換する人たちの集まり。無料で勝手に持って帰れる「球団グッズ」や個人撮影の写真もいくつかある。なぜか、そこに混じっていたのは、うつ病治療の新薬を処方された患者の記録。自分は「ブレイザー」のサインが入った小さな陶器製ケースと誰が撮ったのかわからない写真多数を持ち帰ることにした。最初の数枚を見てみると、夜間試合中の大阪球場や、ホイッスルを持って球場前に立つ警備員の顔が大写しになったもの、また南海ホークスとは全く無関係の旅行写真などだった。

難波へと戻る南海電車の車内。いっしょに乗っていたのは、集まりで知り合った男性ひとりと、近鉄や南海で主力選手がひとり。この選手は新しいアパートを探していて、３人で不動産屋に寄るために途中下車したが、不動産屋の場面は記憶にない。

（幼児の頃、祖父母宅を訪れる以外に南海電車を利用した機会はなく、「鉄道会社」としての南海電鉄に何の恨みもないが、）驚いたのは、南海電車の高架線路が地上から50メートルほどの高い位置にあって、ホームと電車の隙間も広い。駅によっては、ドアが開かず、窓から乗下車する人もいたこと。高所に恐怖を感じる自分には危険すぎて、知り合った友人の助けが必要だった。ある駅では、乗るか降りるかしようとした乗客の１人が隙間から落下。ドアレールを片手で掴んで、「助けて」と叫んだ。近くにいた女性客が手を差し出し、その手に触れたものの、彼はさらに下へと転落していった。

一度、あの見紛うはずのない球団名ロゴが印刷されたビニール袋に入れた「ブレイザー・ケース」と写真を、袋ごと隙間から線路と下を流れる川の間にある鉄骨に落としてしまった。電車を止めてもらい、２人の駅員に拾ってもらった。

去ったはずの秘蔵品の集まりの場面が再び現れた。自分はベッドに仰向けの状態のまま起き上がれない。体が固まったのか、重くなったのか、背中にベッドが、ベッドが背中に張り付いている。ひざを折ったり、体の向きを変えることもできず、腹筋の力が完全に消滅してしまったように、仰向けのままでは「力を入れても起きられない」と伝えて、あの知り合いの男性に起してもらった。

また車内。電車が通過している場所を気にせず乗っていたら、難波を乗り越してしまった。（南海電車で難波の先はどこ？）車内に掲示してある路線図を見ながら「駅数が多すぎるね」と自分が言うと、知り合いも選手も女性客も同意した。どこかの駅で下車。「じゃ、また」と言いつつ連絡先も交換せずに。「ブレイザー・ケース」の用途がひらめいた。「100円ライター」の収納用ケースだ。

改札口のすぐ外にいた。またベッドに仰向けの状態で。どうやら実家からの最寄り駅のようだったが、起き上がれない。誰に起してもらったんだろうか、自分は思い荷物を積んで、自転車に乗っていた。荷物にはイワトリの不可食部分などというものもあったが、いずれも翻訳業務の納品に必要なものばかりだった。その自転車で駅前の通りにある喫茶店を通り過ぎる時、「タヌキ」のヘラヘラした見苦しい顔を見た。

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND US!

“Just mentally challenged”… Comments or thoughts like this so deeply hurt every human who suffers a mental illness. To my ear, it sounds “You are physically healthy. You are only a lazy person.” “I just can’t imagine what sort of condition you have” is what I was told by a friend. Well, you don’t have to try to imagine. Nor do you have to try to understand. But you have to recognize that people like me exist all over the world and are crying for help.

Cymbalta Effects Wearing off

No refill today (Friday) either.

I spent around 20 hours in bed. Last night, I was quite agitated emotionally after what happened at the checkpoint and far more because I thought and talked about my family. Even tears were flowing out of my eyes. I know the Cymbalta effects are wearing off. I must to get pills today (Saturday), no matter what.

*

I had, as usual in such conditions, a long dream, or a dream of a few seemingly continuous but totally unconnected stories.

*

同級生だったＮとＴが羽織袴姿で高校の部活動に行こうとしている。自分はもう卒業して何年も経ってるし、行く気はないと答えた。そのすぐ後、ちょっとよれよれしてはいるが、同様の格好をしているＢの姿も見えた。

場面は全く変わって、平屋の建物の中のようだったが、はっきりしない。集団に取り囲まれて逃げられない。何人で建物の中にいたのかもはっきりしない。建物の前を流れる川には大蛇。人ひとりを飲み込んだように一部が膨れ上がっている。欧米人がその大蛇を銃で仕留めた。建物から逃げようとする５人ほどの欧米人集団がエレベーターホールにいる。（平屋のはずだったのに。）横移動するエレベーターもあった。どのエレベーターもなかなか降りて来ず、みんなイライラしている。最初に来たのに急いで乗り込んだ男性は、そのまま落ちていった。そのエレベーターは枠組みだけで、床も壁も天井もなかった。

京都の実家周辺。大雨。やはり同級生だった女子生徒ひとりを含む４人で歩いていると、酒屋から「見てごらん、あのりんご」と声が掛かる。店の中が暗くてよく見えないが、かじった跡のあるりんごがひとつ、棚の上に置かれていた。そのりんごをじっくり観察するほど何がそんなに特別なのかわからないまま、実家に向かう。母親が雨の中、何とかパンやケーキを買ってきてくれていた。４人で分け合う。３人のうちひとりは、間違いなくＹさんだった。

３人の女子同級生のうちひとりが、（仕事か授業のために）ラジオを聞く必要があると言う。ラジオのアンテナを調整してみるが、雨のせいか、受信がよくない。ラジオ局の周波数を直接入力できるもう一台のラジオを用意した。小さいが明瞭な音が聞こえた。

いつの間にか、３人は去っていた。自分はベッド脇に置いた携帯電話を使おうとするが、いつもと勝手が違う。よく見ると、自分の電話ではなく、さっきまでいた３人のうちひとりが置き忘れた電話だった。無事自分が預かっていることを知らせようと、彼女にその電話を使ってかけてみた。「もしもし……？ＸＸさん（名前不明）ですか？」と言っても無言。彼女に20歳になる娘がいることを、いつ知ったのかわからないが、「おかあさん？娘さん？」とたずねると、彼女本人だった。

この電話の会話でわかったことかどうか全く不明だが、彼女は理不尽な夫との離婚を考えているらしい。場面は学校の教室のような場所で彼女と会う。夫として登場したのは、大阪を散々いっしょに飲み歩いたＫＫではないか！何度もＫＫを殴った。

再びＮとＴ。屋外にある石のベンチに座って何やら相談している様子だ。「“シャーペン”を作る課題があるけど、参加しないか」と言う。自分は、「物理の授業」には出席していないという理由で断った。３人で、実家近くの大通りを（自転車か徒歩で）南に向かって、つまりうちに向かって進む。「第三軍道」との交差点で信号待ちをしている車に乗っていたのはＮ社の編集長。驚いたことに、ＮとＴとも知り合いらしい。編集長は車から降りて、４人で歩く。本来なら大通りから、実家のある狭い道へと曲がる角は駐車場になっているはずだが、そこは墓地だった。「この前の大雨で、倒れたままの墓石が残っています」と説明する。この狭い道が舗装されていないことを指摘する編集長に対して、自分は「いや、このすぐ先から舗装されていますよ」。ところが、その先も舗装はされていなかった。ＮとＴと編集長。３人は同じ宗教団体に属した人たちだった。顔見知りだったのも不思議ではない。そして、「見てごらん、あのりんご」と言った酒屋の人も。

実家の冷蔵庫を開ける。「カールスバーグ色」の缶ビールがいくつかある。ただ、その缶の形はさまざま。「ツナ缶」のように丸いが背の低いもの。そうかと思えば、やはり円形だが「クッキー詰め合わせ」のように大きな缶。数缶を持って自分の部屋のある２階へ上がった。３人の同級生が来た時には乱雑だった部屋が整頓されている。母親が掃除したに違いない。ステレオのスピーカーが、土壁を天井からすぐ下の部分に開けられた穴にすっきりはめ込まれている。兄がそれを見つけて、もっと２つのスピーカーの距離を離さないとダメだと言う。別の穴を開けるのはいいとして、すでに開けてしまった穴はどうするのかと聞くと、彼は「発砲スチロール」で埋めればいいと答えた。

場面はもっともっと多かったが忘れた……。

*

How about this cartoon, published by "Today" on December 4?












"Just mentally challenged"?

Andrew Solomon, citing "Suicide and affective disorders" by S. B. Guze and E. Robbins, published in "British Journal of Psychiatry 117" in 1970 and "Manic-Depressive Illness" of 1990 by Frederick Goodwin and Kay Redfield Jamison, wrote in "The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression," "The statistic traditionally given is that 15 percent of depressed people will eventually commit suicide; this figure still holds for those with extreme illness. Recent studies that include milder depression show that 2 to 4 percent of depressives will die by their own hand as a direct consequence of the illness." (p. 25)

30-Day Grace Period

No medication refill today.

I expected no problem at all at the checkpoint on this side. When my turn came after standing in a long line of visitors, I was “invited” by the young officer into his box and asked to sit on the chair next to him and wait. After about five minutes, an Indian officer came and escorted me into that room I know well of.

A Malay female officer explained that I could not continue entry by land “forever. And next time, you must fly out to Japan once.” “But officer, I don’t have a family to go back to in Japan.” “Even distant relatives?” “Distant relatives are all distant. Does it have to be Japan (I must fly to)?” She didn’t give me a clear answer. This time, she gave me a 30-day stamp anyway. I may have chosen the wrong line… My home country is not home. But they don’t understand it and consider individual cases. A grace period of 30 days. What shall I do?

The only thing that was nice today was that I managed to advance “Orientalism” to as far as page 288.

Rainy Season Has Come?

久しぶりに嫌な眠り。寝返りを繰り返して、眠れないことへの腹立たしさが増すだけだった。眠り始めたのは朝の８時頃で、午後３時、薄暗い部屋で目が覚めた。いつから降っていたのか、雨季の始まりのようなしとしと雨。

*

明日、出国の必要あり。それから、できれば明日の午前中、遅くてもあさってには薬をもらいに行かないと。Cymbaltaは全てなくなってしまった。

Japan Baseball Team Goes to Beijing

アジア野球選手権で日本３連勝、北京五輪出場決める。

*

“Orientalism”を読み進めると、今まで読んだアジアやアフリカを舞台にした英国人作家の小説への見方が変わる。

*

Some days ago, I decided to write on my life about from 1995 (Korea to Osaka, Taiwan, back to Osaka and Singapore) completely from my own perspective, and I am adding a few lines almost everyday. In a sense, this is to leave a record mainly of my career and unipolar disorder. Partly because my diary for a few years from the summer of 1999 became unrecoverable together with my old PC, I believe this is a good attempt. At this point still with about 9,000 characters, my days especially in Singapore seem full of frustration and stress and it is no wonder that my depression (the Black Cat) sneakily appeared in the dark room.

A Sign of Ageing

For a start, I’ve cursorily checked a few universities in Taiwan that have a language course for foreigners. In terms of tuition fees, they are so much cheaper than NUS, which charges more than twice.

I feel my age… Seven years ago, it was a hard but quick decision to come here. And I used to think “If you are really interested in something, you should have already taken action to make it happen.”

"The Sting of Death"

「死の棘」（1990年）を見た。話の展開を全く知らずに見始め、見終えた時には目を大きく開いて手を口に当て、しばらく固まった。発狂状態の妻が精神病院で受ける「電気ショック」。その前に注射される麻酔液。ストレッチャーで運ばれていく彼女。ストーリーはかなりショッキングやけど、こんな病院の場面は、自分にとって単なる映画の一場面ではすまない。こうなったら、島尾敏夫の原作を読み、「泥の河」（81年）など他の小栗作品も見たい。

*

Motorola announced that its CEO, Ed Zander, would leave on January 1st. This is the man who said to my question at a press conference, “I don’t know what you are referring to.” I asked for his response to Nokia CEO’s comment that Nokia was not a mere phone maker and he did not consider Motorola as a competitor. I had found this comment in an article of the Economist.

*

When I was reading “Crime and Punishment,” I thought about visiting St. Petersburg and Moscow. And suddenly Burma. And remembering my happy days in Taiwan, my interest in the Chinese language and its traditional characters is now growing… I like to understand what A-Mei sings about. My mind can be so simply influenced…

*

I have been largely autodidactic, as in the case of my English learning. For Chinese, I can probably combine the pinyin system, which is a creation of the communist China, and traditional characters.

好想見你／不在乎他

買う必要もなかったんやけど、ＨＭＶまで行って「♫ ごめんね」のＣＤ（「我可以抱你嗎？愛人」）を買った。曲名は「会いたい（好想見你）」やった。中国語版はの曲名は「不在乎他」。歌詞の内容は違う。それから、やっぱり買う必要はなかったんやけど、「死の棘」（小栗康平監督）のＤＶＤも19ドルやったんで買ってしまった。

*

I should have read “Orientalism” first among the works by Said. However, I, at this age, still have a great difficulty to follow this powerful book of his. It is perhaps because of my total lack of knowledge of English and French scholars on and travelers to the Orient. Learning continues… until I decide to quit all.

*

Five killed in Israeli Gaza raids (BBC)
Gazans bury dead after Israeli raid (Al Jazeera)
Six Palestinians, including militants, killed in Gaza (Reuters)

Trying to achieve peace by killing people… while the leaders are talking in the U.S.

*

With puke out comes the mental tumor.

"Gomen Ne" CD by A-Mei

張恵妹の「♫ ごめんね」（曲名忘れた）が収録されているＣＤを買うつもりで、近くの「Ｔｈａｔ　ＣＤ　Ｓｈｏｐ」に行った。彼女のＣＤを１枚も見つけられんと、何にも買わんと帰ってきた。ただ、なぜか「西城秀樹」「近藤真彦」「五輪真弓」のＣＤが並んでた。売れるんかいな。

*

Last night, I received a call from ANL, and met him at the nearby food court for some beer. I was wearing my “Nishitetsu Lions” T-shirt. Remarkably, he recognized the team!!

Some beer… But I was drunk enough, and today I didn’t even remember that I had already uploaded yesterday’s diary to my blog site after midnight.

*

Reading Said or Chomsky always makes me realize my lamentably insufficient aptitude of structuring sentences and vocabulary. Insufficient aptitude… If it’s insufficient, it cannot be called aptitude… More appropriate words are “Bodoh” and “笨笨(gong gong or ben ben).”

*

防衛研究所で「化学兵器中国で遺棄」覆す文書見つかる（産経新聞）

「終戦後、中国大陸で旧日本軍が化学兵器を中国側に引き渡したことを示す文書が、防衛省防衛研究所などに保管されていることが分かった。日本軍が中国で遺棄したことを前提に進められている遺棄化学兵器処理事業は見直しを迫られることになりそうだ。
この事実は、防衛省の関係団体「財団法人ディフェンスリサーチセンター」が外務省の依頼で行った調査資料の中から、ジャーナリストの水間政憲氏が見つけた。調査資料は今年１月、外務省に報告されているが、中身は公表されていない。

これまでに、台湾で日本側から化学兵器が引き渡された文書が防衛研究所にあることは、雑誌「正論」編集部の取材で明らかになっていたが、中国大陸での引き渡し文書が見つかったのは今回が初めてだ。
中国に残っている化学兵器はすべて旧日本軍が遺棄したものとされ、日本が全額負担しなければならない理由を、外務省は「引き渡したことを証明する書類がない」としてきたが、水間氏の調査により、外務省の主張はますます根拠を失った。」

戦争が終わって何年経ってんのよ！防衛庁、防衛省は管轄下の研究所に何が保管されているかも把握してないのか？おまけに、見つけたのは研究所勤務のお役人ではなくて、ジャーナリスト。これまで日本政府が「遺棄化学兵器処理」のために税金で負担した金額はいくらか？情けない。

*

This thought of mine to visit Myanmar is growing… But searching work for a cheap air ticket between Singapore and there really saps my energy.

Japanese Translation of "Orientalism"

A Japanese translation version of “Orientalism” is available. Who is this translator? To translate this magnificent book, it requires not only a tremendous amount of knowledge of colonial history, East and West, but linguistics, philology, epistemology, etc. This book cannot be translated without recognizing the difference between linguistics and philology and what kind of academic subject epistemology is…

I don’t intend to read the Japanese version of “Orienalism.” Never. While translation work can be simple word replacement (though it must not be so), this book is so deep, a mere translator cannot and should not handle this work by Said.

My Second Trip to the End of the Land

My second trip to P. Ris, the end of the land. Soon after I left home, I realized that I had forgotten to bring “Orientalism (now page 222).” On bus and train, I can read with concentration. There was no time to go back to home. Moreover, at the entrance gate of the station, the value of my EZLink card was already negative… And I found that the machine system to add value to cards changed and took more than a few minutes to complete a simple transaction.

However, every time I spend a nice time with her, and today was not an exception. I hope I’m not trying to go too fast. I just wish that she continue her learning with or without me. My role is to introduce basic matters to her so that she becomes willing to apply them to further her learning.

*

Remembering my days in Taiwan (2000), I started listening Zhang Hui Mei (A-Mei) again.

*

According to the “Epoch Times – Singapore (1-7 November 2006),” Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew “stressed” in the speech he made in Dallas that “no problem with Falun Gong in Singapore; it enjoys freedom” and wished its practitioners “success in their efforts to gain freedom in mediation [in China].” I don’t know why such an old edition came today. But the content is of significant importance.

A Matter of Surprise. Good Sign?

A matter of some surprise is that for more than a week, my sleeping pattern is ok. The medication is the same, and when I drink, I do so quite a lot. Whilst stress from working may have disappeared, stress from not working should be felt. I don’t spend in bed for 16, 20 or 30 hours… Not only about my sleep have I been eating regularly, even three meals a day, when I used to manage a light meal. What is happening to me? I don’t know this is thanks to what, but I want to believe this is a good sign.

*

日刊スポーツの見出し「桂銀淑が覚せい剤所持で逮捕」。「～が」で始めるような見出しは誤解を招く場合があるので、自分ならできる限り避ける。「桂銀淑が逮捕」では、彼女が逮捕したのか、されたのかわからない。もちろん、彼女が逮捕できる立場にないが、主語が「桂銀淑」じゃなくて、「警察官」だったら？どっちかわからなくなる。「警察官が覚せい剤所持で逮捕される」とも読める。「桂銀淑、覚せい剤所持で逮捕」で十分。基本的に見出しに受動態を使うべきはない。

*

The Official Frank Zappa Website is having trouble???? Accessing it, it’s all dark gray…

Miscellaneous Yatata

24日、鹿児島市で「かつお節早削り大会」があったそうや（朝日新聞）。「けずり機」というものがあるらしい。パック入りの削り節なんてあらへんかった子供の頃は、毎朝のように大工道具のかんなで削ってたんやけどなぁ。

*

産経新聞：「エル社は平成１７から１９年にかけ、元本を保証した上で高配当を約束し、『協力金』の名目で、男女４人から出資金計約１７００万円を預かった疑いで、警視庁が今年１０月、東京都新宿区の本社や波会長の自宅などを家宅捜索されている。」

「されている」の主語は？このままなら「警視庁」になってしまうやないか。「警視庁が……家宅捜索されている」？「警視庁に」と書かかなあかんやろ。それから、主語「エル社」と述部「されている」が離れすぎや。

*

「なぜ人は酩酊を求めるのか？それは気持ちがよいから。馬鹿みたいに単純な答えだけどそうなんだ。人間は誰だってもともとどこかが欠けている。みんなその欠け部分を補うために何かに依存して生きていく。酒に走る人もいるし、異性に走る人もいる。おれはギャンブルだという人もいるだろうし、それが自分の子供に向かったり、権力や金に向かったりする人もいるということなんじゃないか。

素面になってから、酒やドラッグに依存して廃人になる人と生き残る人の差について考えたんだけど、結局“役割”なんじゃないかと思うようになった。役割のある者は生き残って、ないものは死ぬ。淘汰だ。冷たいような言い方だけど、この世に合わない人は無理に生きていく必要はないと思う。」（「さかだち日記」）

*

同書読了。らも氏は、アルコール依存、躁、うつで入退院を繰り返したけど、周りには、いつも妻子もバンド仲間も劇団仲間もいた。引きこもってしまう自分とは、そこが大きく違うような気がする。

ＭＲＩによると、らも氏の脳には萎縮している部分があったそうだが、自分は産まれた時に床に落とされたのか、産婆さんか母親の寝かし方が悪かったのか、頭の左右がかなり非対称で、左側が大きく凹っこんでる。ちっちゃい頃、父親が「おまえの頭、えらいいがんでんなぁ」と言ったり、上新庄の理髪店のおばちゃんに母親の寝かし方を指摘されたり、当地の店では「あんたの髪（頭）は左右が対称じゃないので切りにくい」と言われたり。大阪で撮ったＣＴスキャンの写真を自分で見た時にはちょっとショックやった。脳の左右非対称がうつに関係してんやないかとさえ思ってしまう。

先に読み終わってしまったが、「今夜、すべてのバーで」には、「久里浜式アルコール依存症スクリーニング・テスト（ＫＡＳＴ）」なるものが紹介されている。14の質問に答えて、その点数によってアル中度を判定するものだ。「きわめて正常（正常飲酒群）」と判断されるのは－５点以下。ちなみに、自分の点数は5.4だった。らも氏は12.5。このテストを彼にやってみろといった社会部記者は14点。いずれも、「きわめて問題多い（重篤問題飲酒群）」（２点以上）と判定される。少しでも飲酒する人で、－５点以下なんて人がいるなんて信じられん。

「……ひとつ、高得点を祝って、いっぱい飲みにいくかね」（「今夜、すべてのバーで」）

*

Another Middle East peace talks begin tomorrow in Annapolis, Maryland. If any compromise is to be established, it will be something favorable to Israel. And the Palestinians will be deeply disappointed yet again. It should be clearly undeniable that the U.S. cannot be a neutral and honest broker to Arab-Israeli negotiations.

Early Xmas Gift to Myself

With no prospect of steady income, I know I should not spend. However, staying home day after day, because going out means spending, is becoming too much. Late afternoon yesterday, I had a message from AZ and we decided to meet for dinner. I enjoyed my second encounter with her. Her proposal of Japanese lessons is, I believe, an unexpected positive happening to maintain my tie to the world.

And today, the last day of a 20%-off weekend at Kinokuniya, I bought “Milosevic” by Adam LeBor, “The Temperance Dairy (「さかだち日記」)” by 中島らも and some Japanese learning materials.

Kinokuniya used to have no book about Milosevic as far as I can remember, but today I found three about him and a few about Gorbachev. Fidel Castro’s autobiography was also on sale. It was over $70. I didn’t buy it.

So, yesterday and today, it was quite a case of big spending by my present standard. But let me consider all as an early Christmas gift to myself…

But as happened many times before, I feel kinda miserable on the next day after a pleasant night. It is like “reverse correction” of mental condition.

My Printer Given by the Late Mr. F

I went to the computer shop at TB Plaza to buy ink cartridges for my EPSON printer and a 2GB memory stick. To prepare materials for Japanese lessons, I decided to set up the printer, which has been sleeping in the storeroom since I moved to this KTP flat. The printer was given by the late Mr. F some years back.

Basically, it takes only a USB cable to set up the printer, but to print a page, an error message appeared again and again and again… It took me more than a few hours to solve the problem. It was a problem of the port the printer is connected to.

By teaching or simply talking about the Japanese language, I can relearn it and it surely reminds me that I’m Japanese.

*

昨日だったか、「がけっぷち犬」が救出保護されてから１年という記事があった。この「がけっぷち犬」は多くの人が引き取りたいと希望し、飼い主になった人から今も愛情を受けているようだ。ところで、この「がけっぷち男」はどうなるのだろう？

*

産経新聞の連載企画「私の失敗」に細川護熙元首相が登場していた。２カ月も前だが、けさ発見した。細川さんは記者会見で「Teleprompter」を使ってたな。後にも先にも彼だけ。目線の高さに設置した透明パネルに原稿を映し出して、正面を向いて演説できる。日本では「スピーチプロンプター」と呼んでいるようだ。アメリカでは当たり前なのに、日本の政界では普及しなかった。もっとも、細川さんが使ってたのは目立ったちゃいけない支柱が太すぎた。

日本新党……。何か風があったな。嵐の風じゃなくて、突風じゃなくて、爽快な風のようだった。小池百合子（前防衛相、自民党)、前原誠司（前民主党代表）、野田佳彦（民主党）、海江田万里（知らない）などなど。

*

More than 200 pages of “Orientalism” are behind me. It may still take another month to read the last page of it…

US Nuclear Weapons in Okinawa

産経新聞によると、米軍による核兵器の沖縄持込み（密約）について、極東の安全保障の観点から、韓国と中華民国が「核抜き」に反対したと伝えている。

同じく産経新聞は、国民新党の亀井静香代表代行が、平松氏が当選した大阪市長選に関連して、「創価学会の麻薬で生きてきた自民党だが、麻薬が効かなくなると大変だ。慢性依存症が強くなっていて、そこが手を引くと、全体ががたついた」と報じている。

Early Bird (in a Way)

Almost same on Monday. Yesterday I believe I went to bed only at 2 am and woke up 4:30 am and woke up again at 7:30. I don’t know whether or not I was sleeping for the three hours. But anyway, I left bed at 8:30 am.

"Party within Party" to be Excluded, Ozawa Suggests

Almost everyday at night, I go to a nearby store. I feel glad when any of them working there say “Hello” to me with a smile.

*

「大連立で公明排除」小沢氏発言明かす（産経新聞）
2007.11.19 20:37
民主党の鳩山由紀夫幹事長は１９日、日本記者クラブで講演し、小沢一郎代表が今月２日の福田康夫首相との党首会談後の民主党役員会で、自民党と大連立する場合に関して「公明党を入れるつもりはない」と説明したことを紹介。この点について小沢氏は「首相がどう考えているかは分からない」とも述べたという。

ほら、言った通りだ。新進党での旧公明議員の行動を「党内党を作る」と批判した人だ。排除の考えは当然だろう

Waking up Early after Nice Sleep

Again I took two Epilims (sodium valproate) and a Valium (diazepam) together. And again it was nice sleep, except I woke up at 4:30 am. For the following four hours, I don’t know if I was sleeping or merely closing my eyes. Miraculously I got out and up from bed at 8:00 am. Strictly speaking, I’m not observing instructions by the doctor. I’d like to be sure there is no adverse interaction caused by taking the two different types of drugs at the same time. It this a faint sign that my condition is improving?

Then this afternoon, trying to proceed with “Orientalim,” I had a peaceful nap for more than a few hours.

"Naked Lunch" is not Available

I don’t remember exactly at what time I went to bed, but it didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, maybe thanks to two Epilims and a Valium. Valium is not supposed to be taken so late. The doctor’s instruction is take it at 10:00 pm…

When I opened my eyes, it was still before dawn. So I, in an unreasonable mind, took two more Epilims and another Valium. Well it was nice sleep. But when I finally got up, I was feeling drowsy…

*

Right after finishing “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」),” I went to Kinokuniya (Ngee Ann City) to buy “Naked Lunch” by William Burroughs, which was mentioned in Ramo’s book, but the bookstore didn’t have it. Instead, I got some basic Japanese learning materials.

“Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town” is not a joke story. The scenes where Ramo and another patient and then his doctor have ethyl alcohol used to clean dead bodies at the hospital’s mortuary are even shocking…

Perhaps, the he studied this much about addiction is from a similar motivation that makes me learn more about depression.

*

大阪市長選挙で、元毎日放送アナウンサーの平松さんが当選。あの平松さんか。大阪市会には都島選挙区の船場太郎もいる。

*

I don’t know what Chinese religious sect it is, but to me, it often sounds very strange to bring a live band to let it play Chinese popular songs. I understand Chinese funerals are very loud (from the movie “Year of the Dragon”). Though I am very generous and understanding about a Chinese clarinet, then a saxophone, an electric guitar and drums? .

When I die, I don’t want to have that sort of ceremony. And definitely, I don’t want the Soka-style ceremony. I would want my friends to say “Good bye for now” to me and to be cremated and scatter the ashes to the sea so that I could go anywhere in the world.

Who's Crazy? You or Me?

I have almost finished “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」)” by Nakajima Ramo (中島らも). He knew a lot about addiction, alcohol or drugs. In the book, he even talks about Karl Menninger, who, according to Andrew Solomon’s “The Noonday Demon,” said that suicide requires the coincidence of “the wish to kill, the wish to be killed, and the wish to die.”

And he cites diazepam, nitrazepam, opioid, methaqualone, ethinamate, ethchlovynol, amobarbital, pentobarbital, meperidine, Brovarin (bromovelerylurea), Elavil (amitriptyline), Aventyl (nortriptyline hydrochloride) and others. As he of course writes names in “katakana,” I cannot figure all out.

And I have taken the followings over years:
Zoloft (SSRI)
Zopiclone (cyclopyrrolone)
Lexapro (SSRI)
Ativan (lorazepam)
Epilim (Sodium valproate)
Valparin (valproic acid)
Effexor (SNRI)
Xanax (benzodiazepine)
Valium (diazepam)
Cymbalta (SNRI)

Hahaha!! What am I doing here??? I’m not going to be any kind of addict!!! But one interesting thing is he advocated the monopoly of controlled drugs by the government. It pretty much sounds like the view of the E.

At times, I feel quite ok or very “normal” and those who think I’m crazy are in truth “abnormal.”

Funny Pattern of Sleep Continues

It was 10:30 pm when I got out of bed. Following the funeral music of a few days ago, big noises coming from a construction site irritated me very much, making disappear any energy or willingness to do something constructive from my mind. A construction site destroyed my constructive mind. I, not surprisingly at all, stayed in bed in a petulant fit of pique with earplugs on. And Q came for house cleaning, which disturbed and thus prolonged my sleeping. Anyway, there seems nothing that I should do or enjoy only during the daytime. Eating? I’m not so interested in food in the first place. Sleeping takes precedence over eating, certainly. I cannot think of things I cannot do productively in the night. While feeling that I should alter this funny pattern of sleep, I like the sereneness of the night.

My First Nakajima Ramo Book

Liang Courtまで行った。うちからやったので、今日は195番のバスで。中島らもの「今夜、すべてのバーで」を買ってきた。自らのアル中体験を小説化したもの。「……リアリティに対してもともと抗性のない人間が、アル中なり薬物中毒になるのかもしれない」と書いてるけど、「私の人生はフィクションです」と言うてみたい気がしないわけでもない。

肝機能の示すＧＯＴ、ＧＰＴ、γＧＴＰの数値が出てきたりもする。８月に受けた血液検査には、どの数値の結果もない。どうせやったら、もうちょっと値段の張る検査にしといたらよかった。

「中島らも」という名前に初めて出会たんは、「啓蒙かまぼこ新聞」か「明るい悩み相談室」のどっちかやった。「明るい悩み相談室」は、KalamazooのWaldo Libraryに置いてあった数日遅れの朝日新聞で読んでた。1987年のこと。その後、テレビで見るようになったけど、（酔ってるせいでか）早口言葉はでけへんやろなぁと思わせる話し方とめがねでいっぺん見たら忘れんかった。なぜか、中島らもを思うと、「ひさうちみちお」もいっしょに頭に出てきてしまう。しゃべりがちょっと似てるからか。

*

連載で笑わしてくれんのは、「米朝　口まかせ」（朝日）と「京の噺家桂米二でございます」（日経）。育った日本語で話すことが減ってしもたさかい、文章でもええから接したいと思うんやろな。あぁ、落語が聞きたい。ウェブサイト「なにわテレビ」の「落語チャンネル」がさっぱり更新されへんので、困ったもんや。

Sooooo Irritated

Very high irritability. Went to bed at 5 am and woke up at 8 am. Then funeral music started outside. A live band was playing very loudly. Extremely irritated though I have no grudge toward the dead person. Stayed in bed till midnight.

*

The autographed baseballs are missing together with the wooden box in which I was keeping them! Among them was one of major Hawks players of 1976, including Nomura (野村), Enatsu (江夏), Fujiwara (藤原) and Kadota (門田)… I got the ball from the Hawks program the Radio Osaka was broadcasting then.

*

Asked Q where they are. “In the store room.” A huge sigh of relief…

*

ここ数日間、食事の場面が出てくる夢ばかり見る。眠る時間がとんでもなくなっているので、食事をまともにしていないからだろう。

Junior High Friend

また長い夢を見た。「おじじ」と会った。そして、けさ、日本語の「ウィキペディア」を見ていたら、中学生の時に聞いていたラジオの深夜放送ＤＪのページがいくつもあった。そのうちのひとりは「諸口あきら」で、また「おじじ」につながった。彼は、北白川の「もろぐち亭」によく行ってたから。隣り学区の小学校を卒業した人だったが、自分にはそんな友だちが多かった。まだ大人になりかけの年齢だったのに、すでに大人びていて、みんな彼を「おじじ」と呼んでた。

彼やその他の友だちをつなげたひとつは写真で、「Ｆ１」や「ＯＭ１」がはやりだった。彼らはネオパンなんかのフィルムで撮影した白黒写真を自宅で現像していた。

「おじじ」は高校に進学せず、調理師学校に入った。京都三条寺町や樟葉の飲食店で働いていた。一体、今どうしてるんやろ？

*

朝日新聞：１３日夜、東京都港区内のふぐ料理店に小沢氏、鳩山氏、菅直人代表代行、輿石東参院議員会長が顔をそろえた。懇親を深めるためで、小沢氏を囲んでふぐ料理に舌鼓を打った。

いいねぇ。呼んでくれれば参加したのに。

1st Person Singular

It appears it’s always “first person singular.” I do want to use “first person plural.”

♫ “I’m the best of all the worst
The torture never stops
That’s the deal I’m dealing in
Who is that person that he's locked away down there
Is he crazy?
Is he sainted?
Is he a zero someone painted?”

*

I now know (to some extent) what E.W. Said is talking about in his “Orientalism.” Hahaha!! Still around page 135.

Trying to Cling to Imagined Hopes

No doubt about it. I’m feeling a debilitating sense of insecurity and also absurdness. And this feeling of insecurity makes me attempt to hold on to any kind of hope, offline or online, that I have come across. The result is ironically more insecurity because so far hopes, presumably real, have been all creation of my imagination. It is not anybody’s betrayal, but my own fault. I should blame myself for thinking that I have found something I can grab and retain to myself. How silly.

In my mind, I cannot depict my future, even a day ahead. Or the only sort of future I see these days is all dark. I try to sleep so I can avoid meeting my Black Cat while awake. Daytime, when people are active, is the worst. I do not want to look at this inert person in broad daylight.

"Iron Arm" Inao Kazuhisa is Dead at 70

鉄腕が亡くなった。日刊スポーツとスポーツニッポンのサイトが速報している。

*

おととい（11日）の朝、少年野球の練習か試合に出かける父子を見かけた。月曜日の朝なのに、なんでやろと思ったら日曜日だった。曜日の感覚がなくなりだした。

No from YouTube "Rakugo"

せっかく”YouTube”で上方落語を楽しもうと思ったのに、ログインできないではないか！何カ月もアクセスしてなかったし、何かシステムが変更されたのかも。それならそれで、通知があるはずだろうし……。

More Than 30000 Kill Themselves a Year in Japan

政府が昨日明らかにした「自殺対策白書」によると、2016年までに自殺者数を05年比で２割以上削減することを目標にするらしい。1998年以降、自殺者数は毎年３万人を超えているという。

もちろん、削減しないといけないが、自殺者を統計数値として扱っていることを奇妙に感じるし、「２割以上」から外れた人はどうなるのかという思いもする。

*

Got out of bed at 9:30 pm… Alamak, something seems still very wrong.

Convenience Store Talk

Carlsberg Beer, probably the best beer in the world. In what way? Its combination of the alcohol degree and taste?

Almost everyday, I go to the nearby convenience store to buy some beer. And I sometimes see a friendly old man there, who today said to me, “Coming to Singapore and work and enjoy!!” “I’ve got retrenched recently and I need a job. Find me one” I said. He told me to check the “Straits Times.” He is also the one who mentioned the year of the Japanese invasion (wrongly) sometime ago. Because I got many cans today, I excused (I mean lied) “No lah, with my friend.” He asked, even though I said “my friend,” “how many?” I said “two of us.” He and a young girl working with him still seemed surprised.

Upside down Sleeping Time

After reading some (not many) pages of “Orientalism,” I finally fell into sleep around noon and woke up at 5 pm. I believe that I have a few more Said and Chomsky books to read. I shouldn’t stop here.

Another No Sleep Night

全く眠れなかった。ビールも効かず、時間を置いて仕方なく飲んだ薬も効かず。イライラするばかり……。

No Concentration

Trying to read “Orientalism” but not able to concentrate. Trying to listen to music, Zappa or otherwise, but not able to really enjoy it. (If you have to try to listen, you shouldn’t listen to that music.)

More than anything else, I stopped reading the E. It was something that I had continued almost obsessively.

*

To Meidi-Ya on Tuesday, I walked from Clarke Quay station. From Exit C, it was like a boot camp training. No escalator. Walking steps up and up and up… I got muscle pain in my calves.

*

I learned also on Tuesday that CH had left the company. She is the one who asked me “what do you think about the culture here?”

Dewali Holiday

This morning, I heard voices of kids and a sound of explosion of what seemed like crackers. It’s Dewali. Sometime later, I also heard the voice of a man though I couldn’t figure out what the voice was saying. A cop, maybe?

*

I like to talk and I like to be silent. I miss people and I like to be alone.

Good or Confusing?

Has it been a good day or confusing day?

Q came and mentioned that she might move to M. Parade. Then what shall I do, if it really happens? Why move so often??

*

I collected my passport. Arrived at the company more than two hours late.

I had a short talk with the HR manager and she was extremely nice to me to the last moment. She said, “Keep in touch. There is a team in Japan translating financial news. Let me know if you go back to Japan…” Japan… Japan… At this moment, I really don’t know…

End of It

I managed to visit DJ to pass my passport and EP card this morning after I stayed up overnight. I wanted to see the HR manager, but then the receptionist said, “I am the one who does it.” So I didn’t insist on seeing her, though I said to the receptionist that she knew I would come. No smile, it all took three minutes.

Coming back home, I emailed the HR manager to let her know that I had left my passport and card at the reception and I would visit the company again tomorrow to collect my passport, and she kindly replied. I will see her probably for the last time.

On the way home, I accidentally met my former colleague at the exit of “Meidi-Ya.” And I learned that that the chief editor had left the company. Oh……… Such a competent editor... Surely a big loss for the company.

I Wanna Stay in Bed Forever

I had to cancel today’s 10:30 am visit though I think I could have gone out if I pushed myself hard enough. Right after I emailed to notify my no-show, I went back to bed, and stayed there until 2 am.

*

With mother and brother, I was walking down a well-tended road with a white center line newly painted. To our right, there was quiet sea. They may have proceeded without me. I don’t know… But suddenly I found myself alone. Across the road, there was a large group of people, men and women, young and old, celebrating the day with some ritual performances. I joined them. The structures were all rusty low tin-roofed and it was a messy place. Nothing was clean. I even found two human-sized brown rabbits that were talking to each other in a language I didn’t understand. It was rather a scary scene.

I wanted to leave this bizarre place but didn’t know the way at all. Then, I saw a man in the crowd, whose presence definitely changed my mind. He was Fujita Manabu (藤田学). The rookie of the year in 1976. I approached him and asked him if he remembered an enveloped containing a 500 yen bill I had sent to him in 77. “Oh, it was you!” he said. We took a few group photos with him in the center. He was a celebrity in town.

*

In (half) sleep, I was really confused about where I was, Japan or here. Maybe I was a bit hungry (whole day, no meal), seriously thinking about get some instant noodle or something from a kitchen cabinet. There is no such cabinet here. The image I was seeing was definitely of my old home in Japan…

FZ's Laughing Voice

You listen to Mahler? FZ must have been laughing.

Vivid Childhood Memories

Thunder storm!!

*

Because in my mother’s stories, my father seemed always the worst man who could be found in the whole world, I as a small kid rather seriously worried he might kill her one day. A wife-beater, womanizer and alcoholic.

And the maternal relatives (my mother’s sisters) used to say, with me around, “He is just like his father.” My mother would say, “You even walk like Daddy.” I knew what their comments meant. “I’m such a bad boy… I may steal. I may even kill.” My mother was, and still is, over-protective even when she is not able to provide any practical help to me. Never have I placed my parents in my mind picture toghther.

Pull the Plug of Crying

When still staying at BC with Q, during a major bout of depression, I was listening to the 3rd with a headphone and I started crying… Q, already in bed and perhaps asleep, heard my crying voice. What she did was pull the plug and said to me, “!@#$%^&* sleep!”

Osaka, Kitashinchi, Torijin and G. Mahler

北新地デ酒飲ンダ後ノ、ソバハウマカッタ。「とり甚」ノ鶏モ、ウマカッタ。皮ノカラ揚げ。モウ、７、８年前ノコトダナ。２度ト味ワエナイカモ。

*

Compact discs were not available yet. I don’t remember why I chose Mahler’s 1st symphony (Bruno Walter, CBS Symphony). It was when I was 17 or 18 years old. The last movement that starts with a cymbal was shocking and as it progresses, its sound strongly moved my emotion.

I understand I am one of those people who can be easily touched by andante, adagio, adagietto or Langsam--Ruhevoll--Empfunden (Slowly, tranquil, deeply felt) movements. The 3rd’s last, 6th’s 3rd and the 9th’s last… And all of the 2nd and 9th.

Mahler’s symphonies are one long series. They shouldn’t be listened to separately. And his music, I believe, contributed negatively to my psyche.

Fujinami Takao -- Scapegoat

毎日新聞のコラム「近聞遠見」に、未公開株譲渡が問題となった「リクルート事件」で１審無罪、２審、３審で有罪が確定し、先月28日に74歳で亡くなった藤波孝生元官房長官のことが書かれている。コラムの執筆者で、議員辞職勧告決議案が否決された日に「小鳥来る　藤波孝生述」との書簡を受け取った岩見隆夫は藤波のことを「一人の折り目正しい政治家」と表現し、その「述懐には鬼気迫るものがあった。同時に胸を打つ。検察の捜査をめぐって、“その時に私がスケープゴートに立つことに決まったようだ”」という藤波の文章を紹介している。俳人でもあったこの政治家は、一体誰のためにスケープゴートになったのだろうか？

What's Wrong with being Drunk?

酔ッパラッテ、何ガ悪イ。

Triple-Death Year Starts

44: double death and 11+2=4=triple death

*

I planed to go to the IRAS to file my income tax today, but woke up too late. Then, I’ve decided to choose the online filing.

*

ニューヨーク・ヤンキースの監督が退任した。ロサンゼルス・ドジャースの監督就任が伝えられている。さて、この監督の名前のカタカナ表記だが、ヨギ・ベラ（Yogi Berra）が監督だった74年、ニューヨーク・メッツの選手としてシーバー（Tom Seaver）、キングマン(Dave Kingman)、後に大洋ホエールズに入団することになるミヤーン（Félix Millán）などと来日した際は、どのメディアも「ジョー・トーレ（Joe Torre）」で統一していた。それがヤンキース監督になった頃から「ジョー・トーリ」と表記されるようになった。最近気付いたが、「スポーツ報知」は「トーレ」と表記を戻したようだ。

*

福田首相が民主党の小沢党首に連立を打診したと、各紙のウェブサイトが速報している。ただ、「自民、公明両党と民主党による連立」と公明党の名前を入れて報道しているのは今のことろ朝日だけ。新進党解党後に「公明党は党内党を作る」と言って批判した小沢党首が公明党が参加する連立に応じるわけがない。仮に実現しても、排除された党から「翼賛」だと批判が出るのは必至だろう。

My Friend's Friend is an Al-Queda Member

「友人の友人がアルカイーダ」（鳩山法相）に「アイヌの血を引く蛮族」（山岡民主党国対委員長）。言葉がすべてと言ってもいい政治家のとんでもない発言が相次いでいる。何を考えてるんだろう。あまりに情けない。

*

很累了。ほんとに。

Chinese Madame Butterfly

Madame Butterfly… Puccini’s opera heroine, and also the name of a shop that sells China-themed accessories and interior goods. China-themed? Why? The Madame is a Japanese woman of Nagasaki (蝶々夫人) who falls in love with Pinkerton of the US Navy.

*

米サンフランシスコ地区デ発行サレテイル日本語新聞２紙ノウェブサイトヲ見タ。イズレモコミュニティー紙トイウ印象デ、ジャーナリズム、メディアニ関ワッテイル人ガ持ツベキ、文章ニ対スルコダワリヲ感ジナイ。失礼ナガラ素人ッポク、記事ノ内容ダケデナク、日本語ノ厳シイ編集ヲ経験シタ自分ニハ異質ナモノニ思エタ。勿論、内情ヲ知ラナイノデ、全ク見当ハズレノ意見カモシレナイガ。「共同通信」ヤ「朝日新聞」ノ記事ヲ拝借シテ、ソノママ掲載シテイルガ、著作権ノ問題ハナイノカ。省庁ヤ企業ノ会見ニ出席、直接取材サエデキルノハ、コノ国ノ狭サガ可能ニスルコトナノカ。広イ米国ト比較シテハイケナイノダロウガ、首相ヤ大統領ノ写真ヲ撮影デキル、コノ国ノ良サヲ少シ感ジタ。

人ヲ唸ラセル日本語ヲ書ク能力ハナシ。マシテヤ、英語デハ到底望ムベクモナイ。シカシ、大切ナノハ誰モガ見聞デキナイコトヲ経験スルコトダロウ。通訳カラ文筆ニ転ジタ米原万里サンガイイ例デハナイダロウカ。

*

♫ Honey honey hey, don’t you wanna man like me??

Earth Wind Fire... No, Wind Rain Thunder

マタ強イ風ガ吹イテキタ。ココ数日、今頃カラ朝方ニカケテ、雨ト風。ソノ音ヲ聞キナガラ、眠レズニ朝マデ過ゴスノガ習慣ニナリツツアル。雷ガ鳴ルコトモヨクアル。シンガポールノ雷鳴ハ、周囲360度ノ「サラウンド」。熱帯雨林ダトイウコト思イシラサレル。稲妻ハ縦ダケデハナク、横ニモ走ル。

*

Nobody is living for me, I know, but I seriously wonder why the situation becomes even more difficult for me or makes me more unwilling to go back home… I have absolutely nobody to smile at or laugh with there.

Sisyphean Life

Bad sleep yet again. Sisyphean, Sisyphean, Sisyphean… That’s my life.

*

東京ノ噺家サンガ、死後２週間経ッテカラ自宅デ発見サレタトイフ。隣人ガ最近見カケナイト管理人ニ報告シテワカッタラシイ。コノ一門ハ何ヲヤッテルンダ？

*

I know I’m irrational, but in my mind, the US is becoming attractive again, may be because I was remembering my adventure there last night. However, it must be an adventure to the very last day wherever I may be.

*

“Orientalism”、遅々トシテ進マズ。

Yatata about Young Days

Kalamazoo and Boston, spring/summer in 1987:

Very first flight for me. Shinkansen from Kyoto to Tokyo. And to the Narita airport. Security check was heavy because on the same day, Prime Minister Nakasone was leaving for Washington. Boarded a Korean Air flight and stopped over at Honolulu, where I saw military aircraft for the first time in my life. Then, United to Chicago. Finally, a propeller flight to Kalamazoo.

Kalamazoo life. Mornings were almost always cool, crisp. Walk some distance from the dorm (Hoekje Hall) to the classroom. Lunch after two classes. Burrito, macaroni & cheese, sukiyaki rice… all yuck!! The only nice thing seemed orange juice. Two more classes in the afternoon, and go back to the dorm room for Budweiser and some nap. There were days when I went to the library to do finish homework. At the entrance of the Waldo Library, there was a framed copy of the surrender document signed by Shigemitsu Mamoru (重光葵).

In the last month in Kalamazoo, I was there quite often to read the microfilms of the report by Commodore Perry’s expedition to Japan. A young Japanese girl (I was young too) would call me for assistance with her homework. The point for me was to get used to the American environment, though now I know Kalamazoo doesn’t represent America. Classes, especially grammar class, were too easy for me. Dinner… burrito, macaroni & cheese, sukiyaki rice, all yuck again! After dinner, it was still bright outside. Time for volleyball!! Before going to sleep, Budweiser again. Cigarettes were “Merit.” Woooo! I was who I wanted to be!! I was me!

Those are the days and I never imagined years later I would suffer this way… My roommate, Hassan, who would say to me, “Don’t drink too much. Don’t think too much,” and his friend, Dawood, both from Dubai, the UAE. How are they doing now??

When the course end was approaching, I decided to go east alone by Amtrak. All the way to Boston. One of the teachers said, when I told him about my plan, “Crazy.” I took a train at Kalamazoo late afternoon. Detroit Station was all dark and I saw the old Tiger Stadium ahead. Then if I remember correctly, I changed to the Lake Shore Limited at Toledo, OH, and passing Cleveland I found another ballpark on the left. I got off the train at Pittsfield, MA, to board a bus to Lenox. There I spent two nights at a B&B to attend the Tanglewood Music Festival.

Back to Pittsfield by bus. But I didn’t know how to pay for the ride… The driver gave me a free ride. At Pittsfield Station, a girl came over to me to ask how long there would be before the train came. We talked some and she wondered whether I had dreams in English or Japanese. Incidentally, she was going back to Boston and learning that I had no hotel reserved, offered me lodging! She had a housemate, who was half-Japanese. They lent me a sleeping bag.

I walked and walked in Boston. The fried rice I had in the Chinatown was yucky!

The day I was supposed to go back to Kalamazoo, I missed the train. (I confess here that I arrived at South Bay Station well in advance, and I saw the train leave because I wanted to stay another night in Boston.)

On the Lake Shore Limited the other way, tears came to my eyes, thinking that my days in the US would be over very soon. My tuba-playing teacher sent me over to the Chicago Airport from Kalamazoo…

Portland, Atlanta, Topeka, Princeton and New York, fall in 1989:

I arrived at Portland, Oregon, on my way to Atlanta, Georgia. Stopped at the immigration counter because I had only a one-way ticket. I told the officer that my boss had given me only this ticket as he didn’t want me to come back until I finished my work… The officer called up a Japanese staff, saying, “He speaks some English, but…” The Japanese staff tentatively gave me two weeks to stay in the US. At the Atlanta airport, an airport man helped me get a taxi, saying, “You don’t know where you are going.” The hotel (Holiday Inn) was located rather far from the city center. I remember the man who carried my luggage to the room was talking about Japanese cars. (Sorry, I’m almost ignorant about cars.)

As soon as I settled in the hotel room, I turned on the TV and saw Dick Cheney on screen. The Berlin Wall was being torn down!

Next morning, I devoured the Atlanta Journal-Constitution to get information about what was happening in Berlin. But then I had to do some work and asked the front desk staff how I could go to Decatur (I even couldn’t pronounce the place name). It was a day too hot for wearing a jacket. Tried to find the bus stop but after some time what I found was something like a “michishirube (道標).” On bus, I was the only one who was wearing a suit and a tie… Having managed to reach the Decatur company, the boss told me that there was no statistics I needed. He probably lied but I had no way to enquire more. For the second half of the week, my boss joined me in Atlanta.

We flew to Topeka, Kansas, to do… I don’t remember what business we had there. The only thing I remember was to visit a primary school there to mingle with kids. And it was perhaps there where the boss said, observing the electrical work, “See, this looks like a ‘Heian Hakubutsukan (平安博物館).’”

From Topeka, we flew back to Atlanta during a thunder storm. It was a really scary flight. I saw purple thunder bolts down to the plane… In Atlanta, “I think” we met a Japanese man who was working at the commerce department of the state and another man who was perhaps a Japanese consulate staff.

After days in Atlanta, Topeka and again Atlanta, the boss and I went to Princeton, New Jersey, to see a business associate. Funnily, I really don’t remember anything about the business… We stayed at a lodge and went a nearby Japanese restaurant managed by a Taiwan man where no alcohol drink was available. We ordered the most expensive dinner set (funny sushi) and I went out to get some beer. Told it was only ten minutes to the nearest liquor store, I walked and walked… It was ten minutes by car!

We took a train at Trenton to go to NYC. Of course, we had no hotel reservation. My boss told me to try a hotel, near Penn Station, that looked like under renovation. There were vacancies and we stayed there. But it was the most interesting hotel! People staying there seemed all homeless and the shower room was like rubbles of concrete.

*

I really should have a digital camera to record the rest of my life.

Help Me Sleep!

After a few days of somewhat refreshed sleep, I couldn’t sleep until morning again. Hours I spend turning and rolling in bed are the worst moment, a big source of irritation. Images and thoughts that come out of the brain are all negative and scary.

Those people I'd Like to Work with Again

Well… There may be some people who think that I don’t like to work (i.e. lazy)… They are wrong. I even have met a few people with whom I’d like to work again. Working with them, I believe that I could learn things of so many different kinds (writing, music, history, etc.) and contribute some. One is Mr. Dali and another is Mr. H. There is no better environment than where you can be inspired by new ideas.

Cheerful Me

Friday night, Q bought me a conveyor sushi dinner. Tai (鯛) was completely dry and not even presentable. But I ate them anyway. I’m usually happy as far as I can have anago (穴子). Then you don’t have to spend so much to make me happy!

After we left the restaurant, she asked me where I was going. I said “Kinokuniya bookstore and then go home.” Well, I did go to the bookstore but didn’t go straight home. (Unintentionally I lied to her.) I dropped by CC for the first time in a few weeks. I found two different groups with rather many familiar faces there. I first joined one of the two (because there was no chair for me in the other group) while shouting, “Happily retrenched!!”

There were four or five women in the group too whom I didn’t recognize. But then one of them, looking at me, called my name. “Ha? Have we met before?” She said yes. She also said, “He is cheerful.” Me, cheerful??? I must have been drunk when I met her. I’m still not sure who she is. She is probably the only person who calls me cheerful in the whole world.

Later I joined the second group and had a nice time with them. A man in the first group came over to me when he was leaving and said, “Better things will happen to you.” I really appreciate it.

The only thing I want to hear is: “don’t worry.” (Even better if “I love you” is added.) My history is one of worries. My back has been to the wall and the wall doesn’t have any cushion. This is certainly an interesting life, if seen by a spectator.

Oddly Refreshed

金曜日ニ始マッタ咳ガ止マラナイ。木曜日夜ノエアコンノ風ガ原因ダト思フ。気分ハ悪クナイ。寝ツキガ悪イニモカカワラズ、金曜日カラ、ナゼカ朝早メニ目ガ覚メル。ソレモスッキリト。

Out of Bed

昨日ノ夜、“Orientalism”ヲ読ンデタラ、眠ッテシマッタ。目ガ開クト、１時間ホドシカタッテイナカッタ。ソノママ眠リ続ケヨウトシタケド、ダメ。寝返リヲ繰リ返シテ、朝ニナッタ。イツモナラ何トカモウ１度眠ロウトスルコトロダガ、サッサトベッドカラ出タ。

*

「ＮＯＶＡ」ガ会社更生法ノ適用ヲ申請シタ。新ラタナスポンサーガ現レルカドウカ……。業界ノイイ加減サガ、明確ニナルトトモニ、広告宣伝ニ踊ラサレテキタ消費者ニモ、反省スベキコトガアリソウ。

I Only Need a Functioning Family

I’m feeling better today. Or it seems like so… (It can never be certain.) After a few days of no Cymbalta, it may be that it has started kicking in.

My understanding why the symptoms recur is that, when I must be doing nothing even remotely stressful, I have to worry about work and income. I can’t afford to think “Don’t worry, just enjoy your time.” Or probably more important, I only need a functioning family.

But don’t you see that I’ve persevered for so many years with this shitty condition, trying to look and be “normal”?

Listening to Zappa’s “YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON STAGE ANYMORE VOL. 6”… It can tell something about my mental condition today because depressed people can’t stand Zappa. Isn't that so???

*

It was a new fact that I’ve learned by reading “The Final Days” that Spokesman Ron Ziegler’s assistant, Diane Sawyer, is that Diane Sawyer of CBS’s “60 Minutes.”

Considering the work done by Al Haig, as Chief of Staff, to see the end of the Nixon presidency, I think it was quite understanding or even appropriate for him to decide to run for presidency himself.

*

However, for the past few weeks, I’ve had three instances of mental deterioration.
Amo Kenji (天羽賢治): suicide succeeded
Yasuda Tadao (安田忠夫): suicide attempted and survived
Richard Nixon: those around him, especially Haig, worried he might kill himself.

*

毎日報道ノ対象ニナッテイタノニ、スッカリ忘レラレテシマッタ人。ソビエト崩壊後スグニ「Pizza Hut」ノテレビＣＭニ、マタ最近ハ「Louis Vuitton」ノ雑誌広告ニ登場。Mikhail Gorbachev. 当地書店デハ、出版後数カ月シカ経ッテイナイハズノ、“Seven Years that Changed the World: Perestroika in Perspective (Archie Brown)”ハ全ク見アタラナイ。「ペレストロイカ」「グラスノスチ」ハ死語カ。

So She "Confessed" Her Parents are Korean?

アル女優ガ日本ノテレビ番組デ、「両親ガ韓国人デアルコトヲ告白シタ」ト書カレテイルノヲ、日本語版「Wikipedia」デ偶然見ツケタ。「告白スル」ニハ、ソノ事実ヲ秘密ニシテオクベキト言ウ示唆ガアリ、アタカモ両親ガ韓国人デアルコトヲ秘匿シテ当然ト言ワンバカリ。欧米メディアデハ、「She confessed that she is homosexual」ナドト言ウ文章ハアリ得ナイ。タダ、「She said that she is homosexual」ト書クダケ。

*

Finally… I managed to visit the clinic and also settled the bill for the Mt. E. sessions there.

*

After “The Final Days,” I immediately started “Orientalism” by Edward W. Said. Ahhhh… this is a hard one to read. I don’t remember if I have ever encountered words like “jejune” and “veridic” (=veridical) before. Both are very nice words!!

Nixon Decides to Resign

Late afternoon on August 8, 1974…

The [Nixon] family had gathered [in the solarium]. Rose Mary Woods had come in a few minutes before [Nixon’s] arrival. “Your father has decided to resign,” she said, looking at the President’s two daughters….

The President stepped into the room. “We’re going back to California,” he said, and indicated that there would be no discussion. (p. 421, “The Final Days”)

子供ノ頃、ニクソン大統領ガテレビニ映ルト、「ホッペタガ、ブルドッグノヨウニ落チタオッチャンヤナァ」ト、イツモ思ッテタ。子供同士デ、「肉損、魚得」ト冗談言ウテタ。

Never Refreshed after Sleep

I failed to visit the clinic again…

Last night, I somehow managed to sleep at around midnight and but then woke up at 2 am.

Unable to go back to sleep, I moved to the living room and laid a tatami mat on the floor to get some coolness. Yet even armed with an eye mask, I had pathetic trouble sleeping. Doubly armed with sleeping pills, I finally fell asleep (I have no idea at what time). The next moment I came back to the world, it was 8 pm.

I was having, almost as usual, a long dream. I was at the house of my high school day’s girlfriend. A house… but it was actually a large building perhaps in some place in Osaka. There were lots of people who gathered for this occasion. I even found a few of my former American and Australian colleagues I had had in Japan.

Many times, people seemed to start preparing to leave the place. Whenever I followed them to leave and started collecting my barang barang, they came back with beer and shochu. And the party went on. They are nice enough to share drinks with me.

Some people were helping me get a flight (to where?). It appears that I lied to them by saying that I had a plan to fly.

*

朝青龍ガ治療シテイル蒙古ノ温泉保養施設ニ行ッテミタイト思フ。

*

上方ノ落語ガ聞キタイ。クスクス笑エルネタデエエ。爆笑センデモエエカラ。

*

小学校ノ国語ノ時間。教科書ニ書カカレテル文章ハ、モチロン標準語ナンヤケド、京都ノ子ガ読ムト、京都弁ノアクセントニナル。ソレカラ、作文ヲ書カセルト、京都弁デ書ク。「今日ハ、先生ガキャハリマセンデシタ」トカ。昨日ノ夜、眠ラレヘン時ニ、何デカ知ランケド、コンナ事モ思イ出シテタ。何デヤロ？

*

米プロフットボールリーグ（ＮＦＬ）ノチームハ「ペイトリオッツ（Patriots）」。迎撃ミサイルハ「パトリオット（Patriot）」ト呼ブ。不思議。

Late Afternoon Dream

土曜日ノ夜カラズット起キテ、ヤルコト済マセタ。午後３時頃カラ７時頃マデ夢ヲ見テイタ。阪急梅田駅周辺ノヨウナ場所。

「ビッグマン」ガアルハズノ場所デハ、韓国舞踊ノ集団ガ踊リヲ披露シ、何ヤラ国際的ナパーティー会場ノヨウニナッテイタ。「Sir」ト呼バレテ、銀ノトレーニノセラレタオードブルヲススメラレタリモシテイタ。誰カヲ探シテイタノカモシレナイ。ソコニイル人ハ多カッタガ、誰カトイッショニイタトモ思ワナイ。階段ヤエスカレーターヲ上リ下リシテ、ドコカヘ行コウトシテイタガ、ドコニモタドリ着イテイナイ。ソコカラ屋外ニ出ヨウトシタ出口ニハシャッターガ下ロサレテイタ。

券売機デ切符ヲ買ッタガ、ドコヘ行コウトシテイタノカモワカラナイ。

*

夢ハ不思議。何日モ前ニ見タ夢ヲ突然思イダスコトガアル。ニモカカワラズ、覚醒時ニ突然思イダシタ夢ガ、一瞬ニシ消エ去ルコトモヨクアル。

Tired Really...

Yesterday, I didn’t go to the clinic… Instead, I spent the whole day in bed, half dreaming. I’ve run out of Cymbalta and am now feeling a bit of that familiar electro-sensation, caused by the lack of Cymbalta in the brain. Moreover, I need to see Dr. to rearrange or cancel the remaining one session at Mt. E. Hospital. Of course, I haven’t settled the bill yet.

*

A bit of appetite is back. But nothing I have with me here is attractive. Ohhhhh, it doesn’t have to be anything expensive. I just wanna have some decent Japanese cuisine. Maybe I would be happy even with local conveyor sushi.

*

安倍前首相のニュースがさっぱりない。退院したのかな？首相就任前から重い病状に気付いていた周辺が、晋太郎さんが果たせなかった首相就任を成し遂げさせてやろうとしたのではと勘繰りたくもなる。

Dishonest Man That I am

It takes more than five hours for me to fall asleep, with three tablets of Epilim. Should I divert my attention from all or try to face it straight? I NEED HELP! It is the saddest thing that I can’t be honest with my family about what is happening to me. But so what? It has been this way for so so many years…

Tomorrow, I need to refill Cymbalta and Xanax and to talk to the doctor to rearrange or cancel the remaining ECT session.

*

In August 1974, Richard M. Nixon was having trouble to accept the inevitable, impeachment by the House and probable conviction by the Senate. With a tape recorded in June 23 1972 (only a week after the Watergate break-in) that strongly implies that Nixon was involved in the cover-up of Watergate from the very early stage, those close to him, perhaps the only exception of his daughter, Julie, were aware that his presidency was over.

Let Me Say This Again...

Let me say this again, if I haven’t said this before, I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS MYSELF, PROBABLY I WAS BORN WITH THIS.

BAD, BAD, BAD

背中下ノ鈍痛消エズ。不眠。食欲ナシ。

Guide Wanted

When I’m alone thinking, I’m not sure if my way of judgment is reasonable or rational. I really need a guide, whom I’ve never had before.

*

一向に解決の糸口さえ見えない北朝鮮による拉致問題。シンガポール人で、「日本が朝鮮半島でかつてやったことを思えば、数人の拉致なんて何だって言うのか」と言った人がいる。拉致問題よりも核兵器の開発の方に焦点が当たりがちな国際論調。この拉致という犯罪は解決できるのだろうか？

Sleepless Night

朝マデ一睡モデキズ。胃痛ト右背中下ニ鈍痛アリ。午後ニナッテカラ睡眠トルモ、マッタク熟睡デキズ。

金曜日朝ノ歯磨キ中ニ「ホテリ」ガ始マッタ時、コラエテ無視シヨウトシタガ到底ダメダッタ。居間ニ移動ハデキタモノノ、スデニ視界ハナク、昏倒シタ。コンナ恐ロシイコトハ、何度モ経験スルモンジャナイ。

It's Dangerous to Live Alone

コノヨウニ何度モ昏倒スルヨウデハ、独居スルコトガ危険デサエアル。生キ続ケルコトヲ意図スルナラ、対策ヲ講ジル要アリ。

*

The U.S. Supreme Court headed by Warren Burger unanimously decides to bypass the Court of Appeals (against President Nixon) and subpoenaed the 64 tapes requested by the special prosecutor, Leon Jaworski. Larry Speakes, later R. Reagan’s spokesman, appears as the press aide of the Special Counsel to the President for Watergate, James St. Clair. ("The Final Days")

Abyss

Devastated and cursed. Abyss… I deeply question my personality. There must be something fundamentally wrong about myself…　悩乱。けさ、病院へ行く準備をしようとして、またもや昏倒。「誰かが」悪いのではなく、「自分が」悪いとしか言いようがない。

*

意外だったが、「二つの祖国」は東京裁判の成り行きを詳述する。絞首刑判決を受けた７人の落ち着いた面持ちが深く、強いものを感じさせる。通訳モニターとして勤務する賢治はこの裁判に疑問をもつ。被爆した梛子は白血病を発症して死亡。日米に引き裂かれた賢治は、誰もいなくなった市ケ谷の裁判所に戻り、そして……。

*

Al Gore won this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

ECT...

I underwent the first session of ECT. It was quite painful when the IV needle went into my vein. There was a mask over my nose and mouth, something I don’t remember from the last time. Being only half conscious, when I wondered why it had not yet started, it was already over but I didn’t realize it because I was still under the effect of general anesthesia. When I did realize it, I felt pain in my temples, the evidence that electro-shock was administered.

*

いったんは上海に送られながら故障の生じたＧＩＳ（ガス絶縁開閉装置）を日本で再点検するために中国側派遣団に参加した趙丹青の夫、馮長幸は、日本側との交渉にも携わっていた隆一心の働きぶりを良く思わず、また妻と彼との仲を怪しんでいた。一方、今しか木更津に住む実父を訪れる機会はないと考えた一心は、夜桜見物の宴会から脱け出す。

実母や祖父らの位牌を前に、思わず時間を過ごしてしまった彼は、門限に間に合わないことを同室の馮に電話で伝える。宿舎では、一心の門限破りが問題となり、日本人の実夫に機密を漏らしていないかどうか事情を聞かれる。門限破りだけでなく、機密ファイルにはさんでいた「裏工程表」が紛失しており、内蒙古の大包鋼鉄へ左遷されてしまう。馮は門限に遅れる報告など受けていないと白を切り通したうえ、裏工程表を自分の懐に隠していたのだった。

１年半ほど経過してようやく事実を知った丹青は夫を告発し、離婚する。一心は２年近くも離れてしまった上海に戻ることになり、宝華製鉄では高炉の火入れ式が行われた。「江卓民上海市長」も登場。実の父と子は、火入れ式が無事終了すると、三峡下りに出掛ける。日本でいっしょに暮らすことを願う父に、陸一心は「私は、この大地の子です」と応える。（「大地の子」）

*

極東軍事裁判が開始される。天羽賢治は東京勤務となって、この裁判の通訳モニター（通訳の訂正役）となる。（「二つの祖国」）

*

昨日（月曜日）の大ニュース。睡眠薬と練炭を使った安田忠夫（元小結考乃富士）の自殺未遂。

Katsuo and Atsuko

This morning, I went to see the doc one more time. Three times starting from next Monday, I will undergo ECT again. I LIKE THE SHOT as it takes two seconds for me to sleep.

*

夏国鋒主席の進める超大型事業、宝華製鉄建設への集中した国費支出に批判が高まり、北牧副総理は事業の「下馬」を東洋製鉄に伝える。松本耕次上海事務所長は、中国側の論理に困惑するが、その間も満州に残した２人の子供を探し出すことを忘れない。「日中心を結ぶ会」から「マツモト」と姓を記憶している女性がいると聞き、牡丹工で会うが人違いだった。その頃、陸一心（松本勝男）は、妻から得た情報を頼りに張玉花を訪れる。別れるまで首にかけていたお守りを見せると、結核性脊椎炎と肺結核に苦しむ玉花（あつ子）は記憶を蘇らせる。

中国共産党内部では、夏国鋒主席が失脚。鄧化平が実権を握る

*

「北牧副総理」は、当時基本建設担当副総理だった谷牧のよう。（「大地の子」）

*

ちょっと言いたいけど、面接の時に言われた“American culture”の会社って何やねん。自分にはソビエトか中共のように感じられるけど。自分が経験したアメリカとは全く違う。Kalamazooをもう一度の思いは全く裏切られた。

*

Tonight, I talked a lot about many things with a friend over beer. How nice.

Father and Son

宝華製鉄の建設事業は、中国側があらゆる場面で「中日友好の精神に反する」を持ち出し、工程の遅れは必至の状態。それでも上海事務所長の松本耕次は、仕事の合間を縫うようにして満州で関東軍に見捨てられた中国残留孤児の身元探し活動に加わる。息子の勝男がソ連軍の侵攻を生き延び、黒龍江省の勃利にいたという情報を掴む。父子は宝華製鉄事業で、すでに言葉さえ交わしているのだが。また、陸一心の妻で巡回医療隊看護婦の月梅は河北省で、生き別れになった一心の妹、あつ子と同年になる39歳の日本人孤児、張玉花と出会う。養父母に酷使され、その体はボロボロだった。一心は正式に共産党への入党が認められるが、党幹部、趙大烈の娘で一心とは大学の同窓になる丹青の夫がデマを流し、一心の追い落としを画策する。（「大地の子」）


賢治はフィリピンの戦場で弟の忠と遭遇する。そして、忠とともに逃走しようとした軍曹と見間違え、実の弟を撃ってしまう。兄による捕虜尋問で勇がヨーロッパ戦線でテキサス部隊救出時に戦死したことを知らされる忠は、尋問に多くを語らない。しばらくして賢治に日本への異動命令が下る。原爆投下後の広島を調査に訪れ、その惨状に驚く。収容所を出て広島に戻っていた「加州新報」の梛子との再会も果たす。原爆炸裂の直前に偶然地下へ降りていて助かったものの、彼女の両親はともに命を落としていた。ＧＨＱ勤務になっていたチャーリー田宮も元妻梛子、そして14歳の時から別れたままだった母妹と出会う。妹のマリーは原爆の熱風を受け、傷を隠すため黒いベールで顔を覆っていた。（「二つの祖国」）

*

ミャンマー（ビルマ）軍政に反対するデモに軍が発砲して死傷者が出たことで、ＡＳＥＡＮがどこまで関与するのか、その対応に注目。

Kenji and Tadashi

日系二世の天羽賢治と忠。忠は日本滞在中に開戦となり、日本軍に応召される。フィリピンに米軍の語学兵として送られた兄の賢治は、山下奉文将軍がバギオから死守しようとしているこの同じ国に弟の忠がいることを日本兵捕虜の証言から知る。（「二つの祖国」）

*

前から思ってること。灰になったら海に投げ入れてほしい。波に流れて世界中を移動できるから。魚のえさにもなれるし。

Black Cat Whispers

The Black Cat, that has never been and never can be my friend, is whispering to me…

There are to be more friends to meet, more to learn, more things to enjoy… Whenever I endeavor, the Black Cat stands in my way.

*

普通の和食が食べたい。湯船につかりたい。

Angry Man Here

さっき友人からの電話で聞いた話。他人の事情を知ることなく、自分の事情だけと照らして発言する人がまだいるらしい。同胞であっても、生まれ故郷も違えば、両親も違う。育った環境も、受けた教育やその後の経験も違う。であるのに、同じ環境で暮らしてきたという全く的外れな仮定で意見を述べられても笑止千万。と同時に深い深い落胆を感じる。ちっとは「家庭の医学」でも読むか、新聞の医学相談にでも目を通してもらいたい。そのような考えであるから、国籍、民族、人種、文化、性別、宗教などなどの差異についても、それを受け入れようとせず、偏見がなくならないのだ。

I'm a Dog Lover. I Do Not Need Any Cat, Especially Black Ones

Before anybody told me, it is already October.

*

Whatever was happening to me, I’d managed to finish The E every week even if I had to sacrifice my sleep, except a confusing period right after I arrived at Albany. However, I have no energy to do so this past week. I left The E open only after I finished the few sections.

Last Saturday, I talked a lot and enjoyed the night. Sunday morning (I don’t know what time it was), I found myself lying on the sofa. Having moved to the bed, next time I woke up, it was 9 pm.

Some years ago, when I almost did it was after a nice party. My mood swings drastically, even violently, to and fro. It even makes this trusting man suspicious of certain people. It is like a big shear I saw in 1996 at the Kwangyang (Gwangyang) steel plant. If I should not have some happy moments, what shall I do then???

Cans of beer and two movies did nothing to make me relaxed. I want to believe there is still a way to get out of this. But it is certainly tough and uncomfortable to work in a monastery-like environment. I NEED HELP. Really… The Black Cat is looking at me.

*

As I’m proceeding with “Futatsu no Sokoku (「二つの祖国」)” and “Daichi no Ko (「大地の子」),” I’m delaying “The Final Days” again. It will take a few weeks to reach the final day.

「大地の子」から：日本人であることから海外特務（スパイ）と生産破壊というでっちあげの罪で「小日本鬼子」陸一心は、文化大革命後に内蒙古の労改から釈放され、日本語が少し理解できることから重工業部に配属される。日本語は、労改時代に日本育ちの華僑で、やはり海外特務に問われた黄書海から「母国語を忘れるのは恥だ」と言われ、羊を追いながら教わったものだった。養父母との再会も果たし、文革で父を失った看護婦、江月梅と結婚する。

田中角栄の訪中による中日国交正常化を受けて、中国政府は現代化の柱のひとつである製鉄業発展のために、鉄鋼協会視察団を招く。一心は、視察団のひとりが言った「遅れているな、玩具（おもちゃ）みたいだな」という言葉に怒りの拳を握りしめる。

「一体、あの日本人たちの精神構造は、どのように成りたっているのだろうか。曾て武力を以て中国大陸を侵略し、無辜の人民まで殺戮しておきながら、国交回復では、『遺憾』という曖昧な表現で、過去の罪業を詫びたのみであった。自分はその世代の日本人たちの犯した過去の罪悪に、幼い頃から小日本鬼子と軽蔑され、絶えず、頭（こうべ）を垂れて生きて来たのだった」。

上海に建設する製鉄所は「宝華製鉄」。東洋製鉄の木更津工場のような最新鋭の製鉄所建設を望む中国側から出される無理難題を処理するのは、東洋製鉄の松本耕次。満蒙開拓団に参加した後に応招され、満州に残った妻と子供２人をソ連軍の侵攻で失った過去を持つ。陸一心はその時７歳だった。

*

「宝華製鉄」は「宝山製鉄所」ね。Ohara-sanが関心を持ったことに全く不思議なし。そして「玩具みたいだな」で思い出すのは89年に出張で渡米した際、社長が現地の鶏卵自動処理システムの設計作業を見て「平安博物館やな」と言った一言。