If You Want to Help, Educate Yourself!

昨日、会社から書類にサインできないとメールあり。自分との約束を破って、1日ベッドで過ごす。シャワーもなし。ほとんど本も読まず。"The Gift of Depression"は何とか終えた。

けさ。ベッドから正面の壁、タンスが置かれているすぐ横のところに幅5センチ、長さ20センチほどの金属パネルがあって、そこに肩までの長さの髪で、前髪を真横に切りそろえ、黒いサングラスをかけた女性が写っていた。一瞬だけの夢。

"The Gift of Depression"に収められている"The Wings of Madness"には、"I sought refuge in reading, confident that in books I could never say or do the wrong thing. That served me to cut me off even more from the rest of the world."なんて書いてあって、考えさせられる。

この本をまとめたJohn F. Brownが"Honestly"に書いているのは、

"You're not really sick; you're lazy."
"You need medication to help you think; therefore you really aren't capable of your own thoughts."
"You're a drug addict," I heard at many Twelve-Step meetings.
"If you are taking antidepressants, you'll become addicted."
"What about the side effects?"
"Aren't you worried about the long-term effects?"
"You need to be more responsible."
"Get a grip on life."
The underlying premise is that I have a choice in whether my depression affected me -- If I used more willpower, exercised more, changed the way I ate, prayed more often, and a number of other well-meaning suggestions. The bottom line is clear to me today: It didn't matter what I did. If I didn't have the correct medication, the physical symptoms would stay on their course. And I cannot stress enough the guilt I have felt in the past because I believed it must be me. I must be doing everything wrong. I must not be trying hard enough. These shame-based feelings only do one thing: They compound the problem for the depressed individual. Many of these feelings come from the people we are relying on to help us. If you or someone you care for is depressed and you want to help, educate yourself! There is more information out there today than ever before. If you're afraid of metal illness and what it's going to do you, educate yourself! It's really quite easy.

A.B. "Power of Will" Curtissの"Depression Is a Choice"を長い時間をかけて、つらい気持ちで読んでいたことを思い出す。