Fickle Q

ずいぶん前からS に借りっぱなしだった『日本よ』（石原慎太郎）と『アジアの知略』（李登輝/中嶋嶺雄）の2冊を終えた。

Q ちゃんは、どうしてあんなに気持ちがコロコロコロコロっと変わるんだろう。少しぐらいの信念とか、5分先の計画とか、言葉を発する前に一瞬考えるとか、ないのだろうか?

3月終わり。

Cutting Myself off from the World??

"I sought refuge in reading, confident that in books I could never say or do the wrong thing. That served me to cut me off even more from the rest of the world."

"Middle East Illusions"を終えた。

If You Want to Help, Educate Yourself!

昨日、会社から書類にサインできないとメールあり。自分との約束を破って、1日ベッドで過ごす。シャワーもなし。ほとんど本も読まず。"The Gift of Depression"は何とか終えた。

けさ。ベッドから正面の壁、タンスが置かれているすぐ横のところに幅5センチ、長さ20センチほどの金属パネルがあって、そこに肩までの長さの髪で、前髪を真横に切りそろえ、黒いサングラスをかけた女性が写っていた。一瞬だけの夢。

"The Gift of Depression"に収められている"The Wings of Madness"には、"I sought refuge in reading, confident that in books I could never say or do the wrong thing. That served me to cut me off even more from the rest of the world."なんて書いてあって、考えさせられる。

この本をまとめたJohn F. Brownが"Honestly"に書いているのは、

"You're not really sick; you're lazy."
"You need medication to help you think; therefore you really aren't capable of your own thoughts."
"You're a drug addict," I heard at many Twelve-Step meetings.
"If you are taking antidepressants, you'll become addicted."
"What about the side effects?"
"Aren't you worried about the long-term effects?"
"You need to be more responsible."
"Get a grip on life."
The underlying premise is that I have a choice in whether my depression affected me -- If I used more willpower, exercised more, changed the way I ate, prayed more often, and a number of other well-meaning suggestions. The bottom line is clear to me today: It didn't matter what I did. If I didn't have the correct medication, the physical symptoms would stay on their course. And I cannot stress enough the guilt I have felt in the past because I believed it must be me. I must be doing everything wrong. I must not be trying hard enough. These shame-based feelings only do one thing: They compound the problem for the depressed individual. Many of these feelings come from the people we are relying on to help us. If you or someone you care for is depressed and you want to help, educate yourself! There is more information out there today than ever before. If you're afraid of metal illness and what it's going to do you, educate yourself! It's really quite easy.

A.B. "Power of Will" Curtissの"Depression Is a Choice"を長い時間をかけて、つらい気持ちで読んでいたことを思い出す。

Q, You Could Be a Huge Help...

けさ、5～6匹の中型から大型のイヌに囲まれている夢を見た。どのイヌも自分によくなついていてくれてうれしかった。特に白くて毛の長いのは、やさしかった。ありがとう。

午後からは雨も降って、涼しい日だった。夜、申請書といっしょに提出するパスポートなどの書類をコピーしてきた。うちに戻ってから、他にも（まったく審査に関係ないかもしれないが）提出できそうなものが見つかって、また明日にでもコピーしに行く。

Qちゃんが朝早く来た。7時半ごろだったか…。玄関のドアのかぎを開ける音でかすかに目が覚めた。通勤に便利だから、仕事のある前日と当日は両親の家にいると言いながら、どうしてそんな時間に「コソっと」来るのだろう?そして、仕事の終わった今晩はなぜ来ないんだろう?摩訶不思議だ。

昨日、CYに「入籍は?」ときかれて、ちょっとビックリした。結婚する意志があるなら、結婚してから永住権取得の申請を行うのが順序だと多くの人が考えると思うし、自分もそう思う。しかし、以前「シンガポール滞在のために結婚を考えている」ように言われて、ひどく傷ついたことがあった。今回は、「もっと給料の安いマレーシア人の多くが取得しているから、あんたは大丈夫」だとか（マレーシア人は特別扱いだろうが…）、「一度日本に帰って日本語教師の資格をとってこい」だとか、あれこれ浅薄な意見を述べてくれるので、ガマンならず、「キミが大きな助けになれるのに」と言ってみたが、彼女は理解できないようだった。外国生活のない彼女に外国人の事情を理解してもらおうと思ってもムリかもしれない。

それから、カウンセリングには家族や親しい友人が参加することがあるが、DrからQちゃんを連れてきてはどうかと言われたが、ご本人にその気はないようだ。少しでも理解に役立つかと思ってず～っと前に"Prozac Nation"を渡したときは、「小説はイヤ」と言い、「もっと医学的なのがいい」と言う。わざわざ買ってきた「医学的な」"dealing with depression"は"So general. Nothing"と言い放つ。Drは彼女用に"The Gift of Depression"という本を貸してくれたが興味を示さず。キミは本当に看護の道に進もうとした経験のある人なのか。

先月だったが、何日もかけて韓国のテレビドラマ「大長今」をすべて見た。そもそも、彼女が誰かからきいてDVDを買ってきたのだが、全部見たのは自分。彼女は、「チェ･サングン」一族が罪に問われ、崩壊していく場面も見逃したし、そこだけは見るように言っても、もうどうでもいい様子。買わなくてもいいのにサウンドトラックのCDまで買ってきて、一度聴いたか聴かないか。その前は、沖縄の歌がいいと言って、何とか言う日本人歌手のCDを買ってきたが、もう知らん顔。そのもっと前、去年の9月か10月ごろは、日本語学校に行くと言って、よろこばせてくれたが、結局その場だけの話に終わった。「ダイソー」は好きなようで、安物のプラスチック製品をよく買ってくる。

Drに、"What do you like about her?"とたずねられて、"She keeps things tidy"とか、"She cooks well"としか答えられなかった…。悲しい。

Boy Must Have Been Deeply Confused... 10 Dead Including Himself

Palestinians and other are only deluding themselves and others when they say that [Oslo I and II,] Israel committed itself to "withdraw from occupied Palestinian territories, including Jerusalem," in accord with UN 242, or anything remotely like it; or that they agreed to grant Palestinians "control over water, telecommunications and transport, among other things"; or that George Bush's Madrid initiative "involved the implementation of U.N. Security Council resolutions on Palestine" (Palestinian Foreign Minister Farouk Kaddumi). Or that "the terms of reference" for the "peace process” are given by UN 242, the Oslo Accords, and the Madrid Conference, "which enshrine the land-for-peace principle" (Egyptian diplomat Abdelaleem El-Abayad). Nothing of the sort is true, as the documents make clear and the consistent practice even more so, unless we interpret such phrases as "land-for-peace" with the cynicism that would have welcomed the South African homeland policy. (p. 564)

If current plans succeed, the predictions of Israeli government Arabists in 1948 might be fulfilled: the refugees would either assimilate elsewhere or "would be crushed" and "die," while "most of them would turn into human dust and the waste of society, and join the most impoverished classes of the Arab countries." Apart from privileged sectors that accommodate to the "neo-colonial" settlement, those remaining in the territories can look forward to the bright future of Haitians toiling in the U.S. assembly plants for a few cents an hour or the semi-slave laborers in China's foreign-controlled export industries. And Palestinians within Israel may expect to live as American Jews and Blacks would if the U.S. were to become "the sovereign State of Christian Whites" throughout the world (to paraphrase Israeli law), not the state of its citizens. (pp. 564-565)

... Israeli Jews and Palestinian Arabs are human beings with human rights, equal rights; more specifically, they have essentially equal rights within the territories of the former Palestine. Each group has a valid right to national self-determination in this territory. (p. 39)

"Fateful Triangle"、終わった。午後、CYと会って、手紙をもらってきた。ありがとう。しかし、ARからも会社からも書類が来ない…。"Middle East Illusions"を始めよう。

By JOSHUA FREED, Associated Press Writer

BEMIDJI, Minn. - The teenager who went on a shooting rampage at his high school was put on the antidepressant Prozac after a suicide scare last summer, a longtime friend says.

Jeff Weise, 16, also had watched a movie about a school shooting with friends earlier this month — skipping ahead to some of the most violent scenes, according to Sky Grant, a friend of Weise's since sixth grade.

Grant, also 16, said Weise brought the 2003 movie "Elephant" to Grant's house on March 4, then skipped ahead to the parts of the movie that show two students planning and carrying out a school shooting.

The teens talked about the movie afterward, but Weise didn't say anything that made them think he planned to emulate the movie, Grant said. "It all seemed normal," he said.

Authorities said they don't know what motivated Weise to kill nine people before they believe he shot himself on Monday at Red Lake High School. The dead included a teacher and a security guard at the school; Weise's grandfather and his companion were killed earlier at the grandfather's house.

Grant and his mother, Gayle Downwind, said Weise was taken to a psychiatric ward in Thief River Falls last summer after Weise frightened another friend with suicidal computer messages. Grant said he didn't know how long Weise stayed at the hospital.
Grant, who was taking Zoloft, said he and Weise talked in detail about antidepressants. He said Weise told him he was taking 40 milligrams a day of Prozac: 20 in the morning, 20 at night.

"He was a lot more quiet. I wouldn't say any better," Grant said.
In October, the Food and Drug Administration ordered that all antidepressants carry "black box" warnings of an increased risk of suicidal thinking and behavior in children. Prozac is the only antidepressant found to be safe and effective for children.

In several online postings attributed to Weise, he wrote of depression and feelings of worthlessness. In a Jan. 4 blog posting, he wrote: "I should've taken the razor blade express last time around. ... Well, whatever, man. Maybe they've got another shuttle comin' around soon?"

Dr. David Fassler, an American Psychiatric Association trustee and child and adolescent psychiatrist in Burlington, Vt., said Prozac and other antidepressants can be effective along with other treatment, such as therapy.

Fassler said daily dosage ranges from 10 to 60 milligrams, based on body size and composition and individual treatment plans. The severity of a child's depression is not a factor in determining dosage, he said.

Wakes had begun for some of the Red Lake victims, with the first funerals scheduled Saturday for Weise's grandfather, Daryl "Dash" Lussier, and his companion, Michelle Sigana. Gov. Tim Pawlenty was scheduled to attend.

The school isn't scheduled to reopen until next month.

I guess this young man wanted to break some kind of barrier that was holding him back from committing suicide… His way of breaking it was to immerse himself into those movies for raising the level of determination, and in explosive emotional confusion and frenzy he killed others to kill himself...

"They Will Act Carefully around Us..."

「受難日」で祝日。自分にとっては申請の準備が1日遅れることになったような気分。受難。

In [the] view of [an unidentified settler in a Moshav -- a well-established farmer, educated, of Western origin], Israel should be "a mad state," so that people "will understand that we are a wild country, dangerous to our surroundings, not normal," quite capable of "burning the oil field" or "opening World War III just like that," with nuclear weapons if necessary. Then "they will act carefully around us so as not to anger the wounded animal."... The Lebanon war was fine, but didn't go far enough ("it's a pity we didn't wipe out that wasps nest completely off the ground," referring to Ain el-Hilweh; "we should have done it with our own delicate hands," referring to Sabra-Shatila, instead of leaving it to the Phalange -- "can you call 500 Arabs a massacre?") "We shall open another war, kill and destroy more and more, until they will have had enough."... This man's goal is "to kill as many Arabs as necessary, to deport them, to expel, to burn them, to make us hated by all, to make the ground unstable beneath the feet of the Jews in the Diaspora so that they shall be forced to rush here crying." He wants to imitate the Australians who exterminated the natives of Tasmania, or Truman who destroyed hundreds of thousands with two bombs. If instead of writing books, Jews had come to Palestine and "killed six million Arabs, or one million," then they would now be a people of 25 million, "from the Suez canal to the oil fields." It was a mistake that should not be made again. Afterwards, there will be time for culture and civilization. (p. 447)

[Yoram Peri -- former Adviser to Prime Minister Rabin and European representative of the Labor Party, and a specialist on civil-military relations in Israel] describes a "true revolution" that has taken place in Israel's basic "military-diplomatic conception," one that he dates to the political victory of Begin and Sharon... The earlier conception was based on the search for "coexistence" and maintenance of the status quo. Israel aimed at a peaceful settlement in which its position in the region would be recognized and its security achieved. The new conception is based on the goal of "hegemony," not "coexistence." No longer a status quo power, having achieved military dominance as the world's fourth most powerful military force, and no longer believing in even the possibility of peace or even its desirability except in terms of Israeli hegemony, Israel is now committed to "destabilization" of the region, including Lebanon, Syria, Saudi Arabia and Jordan. In accordance to expand its borders and "to create a new reality," a "new order," rather than seek recognition within the status quo. (p. 462)

[Amos Perlmutter (Professor of Political Science at American University in Washington, military historian and strategic analyst, a former member of the Israeli delegation to the UN and the Israeli Atomic Energy Commission), Michael Handel (military historian at the Harvard Center for International Affairs, formerly of the Hebrew University), and Uri Bar-Joseph (formerly in the Israeli air force, involved with training and tactical planning)]... allege that Israel threatened to use nuclear weapons, and in fact prepared to do so, in the early stages of the October 1973 war, in order to compel the U.S. to provide "a massive shipment of conventional weapons" to Israel...
The authors then proceed to review the nuclear capabilities that Israel has developed in cooperation with South Africa and Taiwan. They cite reports, which they present as presumably accurate, that Israel has about 200 "operational nuclear warheads" (attributed to the CIA), including a tactical and strategic arsenal, and is working on a neutron bomb. The September 1979 incident in which American and Soviet spy satellites detected a suspected nuclear explosion over the Indian Ocean was in actuality the explosion of a nuclear shell launched from a cannon in a joint experiment of South Africa and Israel that involved "one of the most advanced tactical nuclear systems to be used anywhere in the world." (p. 466)

Destruction of homes has been a regular method of collective punishment from the early days of occupation, apart from the period when Menachem Begin (Likud) was Prime Minister. The practice was resumed on the return to power of the Labor Party, much admired [in the U.S.] for its moderation and humanity. It escalated rapidly as Defense Minister Rabin of the Labor Party undertook the task of suppressing the Intifada. Much of the same was true of torture, expulsion, and administrative detention, common practice under the Labor governments, halted or reduced during the Begin years, resumed when Labor dove Shimon Peres took over as Prime Minister... Israel appears to be the only country in the world that relies on this mode of population control as a regular practice, in violation not only of the Geneva Conventions but also of the very provision of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to which Israel and its apologists appeal with great fervor and self-righteousness when condemning the Soviet Union for restricting emigration of Russian Jews... (p. 476)

... Israeli journalist Pinhas Inbari... writes: "Whether speaking about a confederation with Jordan, or a confederative solution with Israel, we should pay attention to the fact that the political thinking of the Palestinians is far more advanced than our own, i.e., their search for a political solution featuring open borders, trust, and cooperation. Whoever followed the segregated 'vision of peace' presented by the Labor Party in the recent [1988] election campaign -- in which Israel/Palestine was to be divided into ghettos closed off by electrical fences -- cannot but be impressed by the courage of the Palestinians in presenting the challenges of open borders and economic cooperation." (p. 505)

... [F]ew react when the cover of the New Yorker magazine, in July 1993, depicts children happily building castles in the sand -- including a replica of the World Trade Center -- as a crazed child wearing Arab headdress leaps down to destroy them with an ugly leer; the children are Black, Latino, and White, a deft touch, designed to absolve the authors of any charge of racism, while at the same time highlighting the depravity of the ethnic group that is to be despised by right-thinking people. (p. 522)

あぁ～、イライラする。

Desperate Scramble

永住権申請のための書類作成と友人への「協力お願い」で「気持ちがいっぱい」で、まったく疲れている。あわてて申請する気になったのは、提出に求められている給与支払い証明が「過去6カ月間」となっていることを発見したから。申請書は火曜日にとってきた。

（申請自体には不要なのだが、）快く推薦の手紙を書いてくれたシンガポールの友人(BC, CY)に感謝する。会社が自分が思っている時間内に書類を出してくれるのかどうかが不安。また現状で今のEPをいつまで有効にしておけるか…。今月中に提出できても、申請から結果がわかるまで3カ月が普通といわれているが、そんなに待つ時間があるように思えない。また、簡単に取得できた人は少ない。少子化対策と頭脳流出対策もあって、最近、外国人の定住に積極的なように見える当地政府の気持ち次第。承認されれば、治療に支障をきたすこともないのだが…。

Killers Trained by the Israelis

"I love Israel," [Jane Fonda] said [at a meeting in New York after the 1982 Lebanon war], "and I believe that Israel is a loyal ally of the United States," and thus deserving of support, apparently with no further questions asked. "She spoke with great emotion about the prisoners of Zion in the USSR" -- but not, as reported, about those who might be called "prisoners of Zion" in another sense of the phrase: in Ansar in Lebanon or in the West Bank villages terrorized by the settlers... "Israel rarely makes misstates," she said, "and when Israel makes a mistake -- everyone, particularly Jews, shouts and screams." She asked: "Who ever made a criticism of Yasser Arafat, the head of the PLO?" -- surely no one in the American press -- "and who does he represent anyway?" -- a question to which she might have heard some answers on her visit to Hebron, had she chosen to mingle with the local population, apart from her gracious hosts. She concluded "that it is easy to sit here, Jews and non-Jews, and to make criticisms." "But we do not live on the Lebanon border and we were not attacked for 12 years by the Palestinian terrorists," so we have no right to criticize. And by the same logic, those who have not lived in Palestinian refugee camps surely have no right to criticize the PLO. (pp. 269-270)

One poll [in the U.S.] indicates that there appears to be "two U.S. publics," one described as “better informed” and the other as "less informed." The "better informed" feel that the invasion of Lebanon was justified, by 52 to 38 percent; the "less informed" hold that it was not justified, by 43 to 28 percent. One recall the attitude studies that showed a correlation between educational level and support for the Vietnam war, or the current ones that show that nearly 3/4 of the general population regard the war as "more than a misstate; it was fundamentally wrong and immoral," a position held by only 45% of "opinion makers" and probably by a far smaller proportion of the "elite," to judge by earlier studies.

Such results are subject to various interpretations. One, which I think is plausible, is that the term "better-informed," i.e., more subject to the distortions of the ideological system. People who are less susceptible to its influences, perhaps because of lack of exposure, are more readily able to perceive aggression and massacre as aggression and massacre, not understanding them to be, in reality, self-defense and extraordinary precautions of safeguard civilians. As a case in point, consider the standard attitude toward the Russian invasion of Afghanistan. Few people know much about it, but it is overwhelmingly understood to be exactly what it is: a case of brutal aggression and massacre. Those subjected to effective Communist indoctrination will regard this view as naïve and deluded, as “moral preference masquerading as political analysis,” accepting the more sophisticated interpretation that the leader of the socialist camp is fulfilling its international duty to defend freedom and human rights from terrorists serving the interests of the CIA and Western imperialism. Our own systems of indoctrination, while quite different in form and technique, often have the same kind of effect on sophisticated opinion. (pp. 278-279)

The behavior of the international media amounted to a "media pogrom," though in certain Latin American countries "there was understanding, even sympathy and support." Presumably this is true in Chile, the recipient of much Israeli military aid; and in Guatemala, where the army Chief of Staff under the Nazi-like Lucas Garcia regime thanked Israel for the military aid it was providing, adding that "The Israeli soldier is a model and an example to us," while the new Rios Montt regime, which is estimated to have murdered at least 5000 Indians during the period of the Lebanon war while forcing over 200,000 to leave their homes, stated that "we succeeded [in the military coup that brought them to power] because our soldiers were trained by the Israelis." (p.290)

"Trained by the Israelis..." ムムム…。

Israeli satirist B. Michael wrote a column expressing his view on the hasbara campaign. The occasion was a celebrated incident in which President Reagan was reported to be distressed by a picture of a severely injured child, even placing it on his desk. The child was allegedly found, only slightly injured, a proof of the anti-Israel bias of the media and a great triumph of hasbara. Michael's column is entitled: "The Miracle Child":

Mr. Reagan! Mr. Reagan! Look at what we have found! A little boy with two hands! A perfect child! A real sweetie! He’s like new! Just a little burned in the face, and one shoulder is out of joint. He was the best we could find. Now can you see what liars the Arabs are? We knew right away they were frauds and we decided to prove it to you. Do you realize how much time we spent searching among the bodies, until we had found a little boy in such excellent condition? We did it all for you.
This boy has not suffered one bit, on the contrary, he enjoyed all the noise and the fireworks. Just ask his father about it. No, sorry, don't, because his father was killed by the same bombardment that did not do any harm to this little boy. Ask his mother! She knows the truth. Only don't look for her in her home. Look for her in some other place, because her home was reduced by the bombardment that was such fun for the boy in the rubble which buried her husband.
This will teach you to believe the media, Mr. President. You should have known that they are controlled by international petro-dollar consortiums. Now go and put on your desk the new picture of the cute little boy who not only has two whole arms, but even two whole legs. Each time you are going to look at him, Mr. President, you are going to remember that nobody was killed in this war, no stone was loosened by it, no children were hurt and no homes were destroyed. You will recall that not a singly family was made homeless by us; it's all propaganda. There were just a few traffic accidents, some people had heart attacks and a crumbling building happened to collapse because of the weight of the ammunition stored on its roof. There was nothing else. And next time anyone sends you any nasty picture of a wounded baby, please let us know right away. We will send you by return mail a color photograph of a jolly, healthy child. (pp. 296-297)

... Something should be said about... the Syrian phase of israel's Lebanon war. The nearest that we have to a definitive account of this topic was provided in a series of detailed articles by military analyst Ze'ev Schiff in Ha'aretz. He dismisses the claim, a "new invention" offered in justification for Operation Peace for Galilee after the fact, that Syria was planning an attack on Israel that was forestalled by israel's preemptive move. Defense Minister Sharon's claims to this effect, he argues, entirely lack foundation; "it is known today" that the Syrian command had no such plans under present circumstances, and were emphasizing "defensive measures." Phalangist initiatives had led to a Syrian response to protect their lines of communication, something that no army could have failed to undertake. It was the view of Israeli intelligence and others that these Phalangist "provocations" had the "intention of causing us [Israel] to come into military conflict with the Syrians." Further conflict resulted from Sharon's "larger plan," namely, to impose his "new order" in Lebanon by "driving the Syrians out of Lebanon" and installing Bashir Gemayel, the head of the Phalangist Lebanese Forces, as President, blocking Syria's anticipated attempt to place its favorite, former Maronite President Suleiman Franjieh, in power as it had done six years before with Elias Sarkis. Recall that the election was scheduled for August-September, quite probably a factor in the timing of the Israeli invasion, a conclusion that Schiff does not draw here..., but that is reinforced by his analysis. (pp. 335-336)

"Fateful Triangle"はあと2～3日で終われるかもしれないが、この前買ってきた本を入れて読んでないのが30冊近くある…。急がないと…。 次は、"Middle East Illusions" にならざるをえないか…。

Regular Reader at CB

多少、眠りやすくなった気がする。9時か10時に一度目が覚めたが、起きたのは午後2時だった…。3時半ごろからさっきまで、またTBPのCoffee Beanで過ごす。明日は雇用契約書の内容を確認する。

... Presumably, Israel's population largely agreed with Begin's assertion that Israel "never attacked the civilian population in Beirut," and with the statement of Defense Minister Sharon that "I would not be exaggerating by saying that there is no other country in the world that can boast of such a capacity for confrontation and such successes with such supreme universal moral value as little Israel." The Knesset voted 50-40 to accept Sharon’s statement, rejecting by 52-38 a Labor Party statement that “the military advantage gained by the heavy bombing and shelling of Beirut 'did not justify the damage caused Israel'," obviously the only relevant consideration. (Chomsky’s emphasis, p. 254)

... In a huge government-sponsored demonstration in support of Operation "Peace for Galilee," one sign particularly struck reporters, standing out from the others with red letters and in many copies: "One people, One Army, One Government." A Hebrew-speaking journalist from a German television company "immediately translated it to her friends, pointing out its similarity to the Nazi slogan: 'Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuehrer'," the Labor Party reported. Letters appeared in the press from the generation of Holocaust survivors expressing fear and concern over what they felt was happening. One, Dr. Shlomo Shmelzman, was forbidden by the directors of the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial Center to conduct hunger strike there -- his son was serving with the paratroopers in Lebanon. He wrote a letter to the press announcing his hunger strike in protest against the Lebanon war:

In my childhood I have suffered fear, hunger and humiliation when I passed from the Warsaw Ghetto, through labor camps, to Buchenwald. Today, as a citizen of Israel, I cannot accept the systematic destruction of cities, towns, and refugee camps. I cannot accept the technocratic cruelty of the bombing, destroying and killing of human beings.
I hear too many familiar sounds today, sounds which are being amplified by the war. I hear "dirty Arabs" and I remember "dirty Jews." I hear about "closed areas" and I remember ghettos and camps. I hear "two-legged beasts" and I remember "Untermenschen." I hear about tightening the siege, clearing the area, pounding the city into submission and I remember suffering, destruction, death, blood and murder... Too many things in Israel remind me of too many other things from my childhood. (pp. 257-258)

レバノン侵攻時のイスラエル軍によるアラブ人虐待は、Abu Ghraibの捕虜虐待を連想させる。

George Kennan Dies

George Kennan dies at 101.

... Danny Rubinstein wrote in Davar [the Labor Party journal] that "The PLO as an orderly political body is more terrifying to the government of Israel than the powerful terrorist PLO." This is the reason why "the government of Israel planned the Lebanese war for the entire past year (as Sharon has testified) and planned to reach Beirut (as all the commanders have testified)." Israel's security had never been so great, but Arafat's success in maintaining the cease-fire was a greater danger than any security threat because of the "political power that the PLO developed," so that "fear was growing" that it could not be excluded from negotiations, and negotiations would undermine Israel's rejectionism, leading to Palestinian self-determination, i.e., a Palestinian state. The PLO must be forced back to "murderous terror" to overcome the danger of pressure from Western liberal opinion and the U.S. government (a dubious prospect) in favor of a two-state settlement. (Fateful Triangle, p. 201)

午前11までに起床するという目標は今日以外達せられず。今日のクリニックの予約が、おととい11時から10時半に変更になったため、9時20分ごろには起きた。 カウンセリングの後、Sと待ち合わせてDan Ryan'sで昼食。その後、ForumのCoffee Beanで読書。一旦、帰宅。若社長と予定している来週月曜日のミーティングの場所をTBPのCoffee Beanにしてもらうようにメールを送信。

ベッドにいると眠ってしまうと時間がもったいないので、TBPのDélifranceまで行って読書。

An Authority Who Does Not Need Power

昨日とおとといの夜に分けて、"The Color Purple"を見た。

It has been known for some time that [LEHI (the Stern Group), the terrorist force commanded by Yitzhak Shamir], an offshoot of Irgun, offered to cooperate with the Nazis against the British. The topic has recently been brought to public attention in Israel, where columnist B. Michael published a LEHI proposal of January 1941 to the Nazis (Ha'aretz, Jan. 31, 1983; also Feb. 6). The proposal expressed its sympathy for the "German conception" of a "New Order in Europe" and offered to cooperate in the formation of a Jewish state “on a national and totalitarian basis, which will establish relations with the German Reich” and protect Nazi interests in the Middle East. (Fateful Trianle, p. 95f)

One problem that [Palestinian workers in Israel] is that they are not permitted to spend the night within Israel. Since employers do not want to pay the costs of shipping workers back and forth, some have adopted the idea of locking them into factories at night, a practice that became public knowledge when several were found burned to death in a locked room after a fire in a small Tel Aviv factory... [T]he facts were not considered worthy of notice by those [in America] who were celebrating Israel’s advance towards democratic socialism. One might ask, incidentally, what the reaction would be if it were learned that Jewish workers were burned to death in a locked room in a Moscow factory or kept in factory detention camps because they are not permitted to spend the night in Russian areas. Praise for Russia’s march toward democratic socialism and its high moral purpose, perhaps? (p. 140)

この本終わるのに、まだ1週間はかかる……。 しばらく前に（シロウト作りの）"Power and Terror, Chomsky in Our Times"を見たけど、厳しい、trenchantな文章とはまったく違って、静かな話ぶりだった。こういう人こそ、"authority"と呼ぶにふさわしい。そう、"power"ではなく、"authority"。

More from "Fateful Triangle"

In the light of American beliefs about the history of terrorism, it should perhaps be observed that along with acts of piracy such as [the Israeli Navy's capture of boats of Lebanese Moslems], Israel has also resorted to hijacking of airplanes, and may indeed have initiated this practice. In December 1954, a Syrian civilian airliner was captured by Israeli military aircraft to obtain hostages for exchange with Israeli soldiers who had been captured within Syria. The Prime Minister of Israel, Moshe Sharett, states in his diary that he was informed by the State Department that "our action was without precedent in the history of international practice." Note that this Israeli action was a direct precedent for much later PLO actions to capture hostages for exchange with captured guerrillas, as in the major terrorist incidents that were widely and properly denounced in the West; at Ma'alot in 1974, for example. (p. 77)

Help Provided by "Mexicans" to Singapore

昨日の夜、"dealing with depression" (Gordon Parker)を終わり、"Fateful Triangle"を始めた。

アメリカの肩代わりをしたイスラエルの武器供給だが、独立したシンガポールの国軍創設に際するイスラエルの協力と何か関係しているのだろうか?

Israel's services have extended beyond the Middle East, Africa and Latin America, to Asia too. Thus on one occasion Israel supplied American jets to Indonesia when its arms were depleted in the course of the massacre of Timorese, and the Human Rights Administration, while doing its best to provide the armaments required to consummate this mission, was still reluctant to do so too openly, perhaps fearing that the press might depart from its complicity in this slaughter. Taiwan has been a particularly ally. The Israeli press speaks of "the Fifth World" -- Israel, South Africa, Taiwan -- a new alliance of technologically advanced states that is engaged in advanced weapons development, including nuclear weapons, missiles, and so on. (Fateful Triangle, p. 26, updated edition, 1999)

「東ティモール」は70年代半ばのことだから、イスラエル（いわゆる「メキシコ人」）とシンガポールの関係はそれより10年ほど前になる。 気が進まないが、「眠ったままの」LKYの自叙伝を読むのも必要か。また、台湾との国交は1990年まで続くことになる。

昨日、「となりのトトロ」、先週は「風の谷のナウシカ」を見た。何が「大ヒット」の理由なのかわからなかった。チェコの映画で、あっけなく終わってしまう"Kolya"や、1943年にローマで起こった「ユダヤ人狩り」を題材にしたイタリア映画、"Facing Window"の方がよっぽど印象に残る。

Stupid Company Letter Passed to Doctor

"Chomsky Reader"の最終章を読みかけたら、"Fateful Triangle"の抜粋であることに気づいた。最初から次は"Fateful Triangle"の予定だったので、早く気がついてよかった。

午後、会社から先週届いていた手紙をDocまで届けた。2時過ぎに着いたが、昼の休み時間中だったようで、向かいのクリニックでペンを借りて、入口ドアから滑り込ませておいた。見てくれたことを祈る。

A Can of Beer is a Waste of $$

昨日、ビールを1缶飲んだけど、それぐらなら酔うわけもなく、もっと飲みたくなるだけでカネのムダ。

"Chomsky Reader"は最後の一章が残っている。すべてを書き写したいほどの力がある。

... We follow a [postwar] policy of what some conservative business circles outside the United States (for example, the Far East Economic Review) call "bleeding Vietnam." That is, a policy of imposing maximum suffering and harshness in Vietnam in the hope of perpetuating the suffering, but also ensuring that only the most harsh and brutal elements will survive. Then you can use their brutality as a justification for having carried out the initial attack.... We block aid from international institutions and we've succeeded in blocking aid from other countries.
For example, one of the side effects of the U.S. war against Indochina was that we pretty much destroyed the buffalo herds. This is a peasant society and buffalo are the equivalent of tractors, fertilizers, etc....
India tried to send, in 1977, one hundred buffalo, a very small number, to Vietnam to try to replenish these losses. We tried to block it by threatening to cancel Food for Peace aid to India if they sent the hundred buffalo. The Mennonites in the United States tried to send pencils to Cambodia; again the State Department tried to block it. They also tried to send shovels to Laos to dig up the unexploded ordnance. Of course, we could do it easily with heavy equipment, but that we are plainly not going to do. We didn’t even want to send shovels.
... So it was announced by [the Carter administration] with great fanfare and self-congratulation that we were sending a tiny quantity of rice; it was minuscule. Even that was a fraud. It turned out later that that amount of rice was simply deduced from a contribution to a United Nations program that was indirectly going to end up in Laos...
Carter, incidentally, once explained in a news conference what he was up to. This was in 1977, when he was giving one of his sermons about human rights. He was asked, what about Vietnam? And he said that we owe Vietnam no debt because the "destruction was mutual."... What is interesting and significant is that this statement aroused no comment. This statement is easily worthy of Hitler or Stalin, yet it aroused no comment in the United States among the articulate intelligentsia, press, or anyone else. It's just accepted that we owe Vietnam no debt because the "destruction was mutual." (pp. 325-326, Intervention in Vietnam and Central America: Parallels and Differences, 1985)

[The leading American specialist on human rights in Latin America, Lars Shoultz] asked how the human rights climate in a country was correlated with American aid. He chose a very narrow conception of human rights, what he called "anti-torture rights," that is, the rights to be free from torture by the government and so on. He found that there is a relationship between human rights and American foreign policy: namely, the more the human rights climate deteriorates, the more American aid increases.... To use his words, "Aid has tended to flow disproportionately to Latin American governments which torture their citizens," to the "hemisphere's relatively egregious violators of fundamental human rights."
... [Edward Herman] compared American aid to changes in the investment climate, the climate for business operations, as measured, for example, by whether foreign firms can repatriate profits and that sort of thing. It turned out there was a very close correlation. The better the climate for business operations, the more American aid -- the more we support the foreign government. That gives you a plausible theory. U.S. policy is in fact based on the principle that human rights are irrelevant, but that improving the climate for foreign business operations is highly relevant... (p. 331, Intervention in Vietnam and Central America: Parallels and Differences, 1985)

Historian Yoram Nimrod writes that the background for this slaughter [on October 28, 1948, at Doueimah, an undefended town north of Hebron], and the general attitude of the time that "the Arabs and their possessions are fair game," can be traced to the attitudes of the leadership, who wanted the Galilee to be "free [literally, "clean"] of Arabs" and asserted that "for the Arabs of the Land of Israel there remains only one function: to flee" (David Ben-Gurion), that the country must be "homogeneous" and hence with as few Arabs as possible (Moshe Dayan), and who insisted that the Arab civilians who had fled or had been expelled "cannot and need not return" (Chaim Weizmann), or even be settled nearby, even if this means rejecting peace overtures (Ben-Gurion).
... Chaim Weizmann's principle was, incidentally, also followed in subsequent years, notably after the 1967 war when hundreds of thousands of Arabs fled or were expelled. A report by Eyal Ehrlich observes that "much was written, and with pride, about 'Operation Refugee' which permitted 17,000 to return," but not the fact, which he discovered in interviews with soldiers and officers, that the army was under orders, which it fulfilled, to kill returning refugees: "Civilians, women, children were killed. No one reported, no one counted the bodies, no one investigated and punished" these actions taken in pursuance of "policies established by such men as" Yitzhak Rabin (now minister of defense), Chaim Herzog (now president), and Uzi Narkis (commander of the Jordanian front, later head of the Department of Immigration and Absorption of the Jewish Agency, a bitter irony). Soldiers were ordered to shoot even if they heard "the crying of an infant." (p. 356, Nicaragua, 1986)
… The real reason to destroy the Sandinista regime can readily be explained…: by fear of Nicaraguan success. Reports on Sandinista social successes inspire real fear; unless tanks do not. The real reasons are based on the argument that President Wilson regarded as “unanswerable”: the interests of the people of Latin America are “an incident, not an end.” What is paramount is a narrowly conceived American interest: “The protection of our raw materials”… We must therefore become deeply concerned when some group becomes infected by the heresy detected by U.S. intelligence: “the idea that the government has direct responsibility for the welfare of the people,” what U.S. political theology calls “communism” in our Third World domains, whatever the commitments of its advocates. (pp. 358-359, Nicaragua, 1986)

It is intriguing… to consider the interpretation of international law devised by advocates of the U.S. war against Nicaragua. Recall that the theory is that the United States is exercising the right of collective self-defense against Nicaragua’s armed attack upon its ally, El Salvador… Armed attack, in this conception, “includes assistance in organizing insurgency, training of insurgents, financing of the insurgency, use of facilities for command and control, ammunition and explosives supply, intelligence and communications assistance, logistics assistance, and political and propaganda support, as well as weapons supply”; thus voicing support for the Afghan rebels constitutes “armed attack” against Afghanistan, to which the USSR is “obliged” to respond by military force, by bombing offices of the U.S. press, for example. In the light of this concept, consider the CIA-engineered coup in Guatemala, the long U.S. terrorist war against Cuba, and innumerable other crimes. By the standard of apologists for U.S. atrocities, many an American leader should face the bar of justice for crimes against peace, much of the world would be permitted under international law, indeed “obliged,” to attack the United States in self-defense. (pp. 364-365, Guatemala, 1986)

けさ、6時まで眠れなかった。起きたら昼の2時だった。また、ダメ。

Beer Intake Restricted to a Can

昨日挙げた１～５のうち、１以外は合格。起きたのは午後１時だった。後でビールを飲む。１缶だけ…。

また、今日もいやな１日だった。会社の無知にもほどがある。

Replies to Company

さっき会社に返信した。バカバカしい。

Chomsky Reader (Continued)

From "Chomsky Reader":

By systematically creating conditions under which existence is reduced to virtually the zero grade, Western power has attained its primary ends throughout Indochina. The West has once again taught the lesson that European civilization has offered to the world for centuries: those who try to resist the technologically advanced but morally primitive Western societies will pay a bitter price. (p. 302, Punishing Vietnam, 1982)

By early September [1975], [East Timor] was in the hands of Fretilin.... International relief officials, journalists, and other observers praised the moderate and constructive efforts to move toward development and independence. But Indonesia had other ideas in mind, and the United States and its allies were happy to oblige, as long as the profits kept flowing.
... Secret cables, leaked in Australia, reveal that the U.S. embassy in Jakarta was under instructions from Henry Kissinger not to involve itself in the matter and "to cut down its reporting on Timor" (Australian Ambassador Woolcott).
... The U.S. government claimed to have initiated a secret six-month arms moratorium; as later exposed, the moratorium was so secret that Indonesia did not know about it, and during this period arums continued to flow and the United States even made new offers of equipment particularly useful for counterinsurgency operations. By 1977, Indonesia had actually begun to exhaust its military supplies in this war against a country of 700,000 people, so the Carter administration took some time off from its pieties and self-acclaim about its devotion to human rights -- "the soul of our foreign policy" -- to arrange a large-scale increase in the flow of arms to Indonesia, in the certain knowledge that they would be used to consummate a massacre that was approaching genocidal proportions. (pp. 305-306, East Timor, 1985)

The U.S. government also lent diplomatic support to the Indonesian invasion. It was particularly important to block action at the United Nations to deter the aggression in the early days, when such action might have been effective. U.N. Ambassador Daniel Patrick Moynihan was assigned this task, and described his success in performing it with much pride. In a secret cable of January 23, 1976, to Secretary of State Kissinger, he cited his success in blocking U.N. action on Timor as part of the "considerable progress" he had achieved by arm-twisting tactics at the United Nations. In his memoirs, he explains the reason why the U.N. was unable to act in a meaningful way:

The United States wished things to turn out as they did and worked to bring this about. The Department of State desired that the United Nations prove utterly ineffective in whatever measures it undertook. This task was given to me, and I carried it forward with no inconsiderable success.

On December 12, 1975, when Moynihan was carrying out his assigned task with much relish, he received the highest award from then International League for the Rights of Man (now the International League for Human Rights) in honor of his role as "one of the most forthright advocates of human rights on the national and international scene." (pp. 308-309, East Timor, 1985)

The Grand Area was a region that was to be subordinated to the needs of American economy. As one planner put it, it was to be the region that is "strategically necessary for world control." The geopolitical analysis held that the Grand Area had to include at least then Western Hemisphere, the Far East, and then former British Empire.... This is what is called "anti-imperialism" in American scholarship. The Grand Area was also to include western and southern Europe and the oil-producing regions of the Middle East; in fact, it was to include everything, if that were possible.

... One of the clearest and most lucid accounts of the planning behind this was by George Kennan [who] was the head of the State Department policy-planning staff in the late 1940s. In the following document, PPS23, February 1948, he outlined the basic thinking:

We have about 50 percent of the world’s wealth, but only 6.3 percent of its population.... In this situation, we cannot fail to be the object of envy and resentment. Our real task in the coming period is to devise a pattern of relationships which will permit us to maintain this position of disparity.... We need not deceive ourselves that we can afford today the luxury of altruism and world-benefaction…. We should cease to talk about vague and ... unreal objectives such as human rights, the raising of the living standards, and democratization. The day is not far off when we are going to have to deal in straight power concepts. The less we are then hampered by idealistic slogans, the better.

Now, recall that this is a top secret document. The idealistic slogans are, of course, to be constantly trumpeted by scholarship, the schools, the media, and the rest of the ideological system in order to pacify the domestic population… (pp. 317-318, Intervention in Vietnam and Central America: Parallels and Differences, 1985)

... [I]n a briefing for Latin American ambassadors... [Kennan] explained that one of the main concerns of U.S. policy is the "protection of our raw materials." ... How will we protect our raw materials from the indigenous population? Well, the answer is the following:

The final answer might be an unpleasant one, but... we should not hesitate before police repression by the local government. This is not shameful, since the Communists are essentially traitors.... It is better to have a strong regime in power than a liberal government if it is indulgent and relaxed and penetrated by Communists.

Well, who are the Communists? "Communists" is a term regularly used in American political theology to refer to people who are committed to the belief that "the government has direct responsibility for the welfare of the people." I'm quoting the words of a 1949 State Department intelligence report which warned about the spread of this grim and evil doctrine, which does, of course, threaten "our raw materials" if we can’t abort it somehow. (p. 319, Intervention in Vietnam and Central America: Parallels and Differences, 1985)

Modest Spending Spree

火曜日の夜、見つけた会社からのメールへの返信を作成しようと考えたが、慎重にならざるをえない。この週末に何とかしたい。

そのメールが原因で、火曜日は朝5時過ぎまで眠れず。Qちゃんに連絡を頼んで、水曜日のカウンセリングを今日に変更してもらった。カウンセリングの後、うつの人に見られることのあるspending spreeなのかどうかはわからないが、本を6冊（Orwellが2冊、Saidが2冊、Chomskyが1冊に、うつの本が1冊。合計S$200以上）買ってきた。

明日から1週間の目標は、上記の会社への返信の他、
1. 午前11時までに起床すること。
2. Eを翌週に残さないこと。
3. 集中力をもって、本を毎日40ページは読むこと。
4. 外出することがなくても、毎日シャワーを浴びること。
5. 眠れないなどで、どうしてもアルコールの助けが欲しいときでも、ビール1缶に制限すること。

Terrible Sleep and Chomsky Reader (Again)

まともに眠れない。腹立たしい。カウンセリングを始めてから、いろいろ思い出そうとする。もともと、記憶の表面に近いところにある事柄なので、思い出そうとすると大きな努力なしに、すぐにその場面がよみがえる。

"Chomsky Reader"から。

... [M]y basic attitude toward the American war in Vietnam was based on the principle that aggression is wrong, including the aggression of the United States against South Vietnam. There's only a small number of people in American academic circles who could even hear those words. They wouldn’t know what I'm referring to when I talk about American aggression against South Vietnam. There is no such even in official history, though there clearly was in the real world. It seems difficult for elite intellectuals to believe that my opposition to the American attack against South Vietnam was based on the same principle that led me to oppose the Russian invasion of Czechoslovakia or Afghanistan.... It’s excluded in principle that one could be opposed to the use of force and violence by the United States against South Vietnam, since no such event took place as far as they are concerned and therefore one couldn’t have any interpretation of events based on that fact. According to official history, the United States was defending South Vietnam, not attacking it -- unwisely, the doves maintain. Perhaps there are Soviet doves who criticize "the defense of Afghanistan" in similar terms. (pp. 18-19, Interview)

When Arthur Schlesinger was asked by the New York Times, in November 1965, to explain the contradiction between his published account of the Bay of Pigs incident and the story he had given the press at the time of the attack, he simply remarked that he had lied; and a few days later, he went on to compliment the Times for also having suppressed information on the planned invasion, in "the national interest," as this was defined by the group of arrogant and deluded men of whom Schlesinger gives such a flattering portrait in his recent account of the Kennedy administration. (pp. 60-61, The Responsibility of Intellectuals, 1966)

... "[C]ontainment of Communism" was not a policy invented by George Kennan in 1947. Specifically it was a dominant theme in the diplomacy of the 1930s. In 1934, Lloyd George stated that “in a very short time, perhaps in a year, perhaps two, the conservative elements in this country will be looking to Germany as the bulwark against Communism in Europe.... Do not let us be in a hurry to condemn Germany. We shall be welcoming Germany as "our friend." (p. 116)

... [C]onsider the remarks of Henry Kissinger in concluding his presentation in a Harvard-Oxford television debate on American Vietnam policies. He observed, rather sadly, that what disturbs him most is that others question not our judgment but our motives -- a remarkable comment on the part of one whose professional concern is political analysis, that is, analysis of the actions of government in terms of motives that are unexpressed in official propaganda and perhaps only dimly perceived by those whose acts they govern. (p. 64, The Responsibility of Intellectuals, 1966)

Nothing could reveal more clearly the dangers inherent in the "new society" than the role that McNamara's Pentagon has played for the past half dozen years. No doubt McNamara succeeded in doing with utmost efficiency that which should not be done at all. No doubt he has shown an unparalleled mastery of the logistics of coercion and repression, combined with the most astonishing inability to comprehend political and human factors. (p. 120, Objectivity and Liberal Scholarship, 1968)

As for social rewards, it is alleged that in our society remuneration correlates in part with IQ. But insofar as that is true, it is simply a social malady to overcome much as slavery had to be eliminated at an earlier stage of human history. It is sometimes argued that constructive and creative work will cease unless it leads to material reward, so that all of society gains when the talented receive special rewards. For the mass of the population, then the message is: "You're better off if you're poor." One can see why this doctrine would appeal to the privileged, but it is difficult to believe that it could be put forth seriously by anyone who has had experience with creative work or workers in the arts, the sciences, crafts, or whatever. The standard arguments for "meritocracy" have no basis in fact or logic, to my knowledge; they rest on a priori beliefs, which, furthermore, do not seem particularly plausible. (p. 199, Equality, Language Development, Human Intelligence, and Social Organization, 1976)

Consider finally the question of race and intellectual endowments. Notice again that in a decent society there would be no social consequences to any discovery that might be made about this question. Individuals are what they are; it is only on racist assumptions that they are to be regarded as an instance of their race category, so that social consequences ensue from the discovery that the mean for a certain racial category with respect to some capacity is such and such. Eliminating racist assumptions, the facts that have no social consequence whatever the may be, and are therefore not worth knowing, from this point of view at least.... In a racist society, inquiry into race and IQ can be expected to reinforce prejudice, pretty much independent of the outcome of the inquiry. Given such concepts as "race" and "IQ," it is to be expected that the results of any inquiry will be obscure and conflicting, the arguments complex are difficult for the laymen to follow. For the racist, the judgment "Not proven" will be read, "Probably so." (pp. 199-200, Equality, Language Development, Human Intelligence, and Social Organization, 1976)

Sign of Brain Cancer?

睡眠パターンの異常は投薬の効果がないのか、また投薬初期に見られる当たり前の症状なのかわからない。寝た気がしない…。

Qちゃんには感謝している。食事だけでなく、安心できる誰かといると落ち着くから。

ただ、何度もうつ症状について説明し、もっと理解を深めてほしいと頼んでいるのにそうしようとしてくれない。と言うより、記憶とか関心の継続するスパンが短いのか。昏倒した数日後に偏頭痛が2日続いたが、そのとき彼女が言ったのは、"Blackout and then now headache. Is it a sign of brain cancer?"だった。

冗談にしても言いすぎだ。睡眠療法や宗教を知識も根拠もなくすすめたり、また、投薬やカウンセリングの効果がすぐに現れるはずだと思っているようだ。自分の場合は、朝の体調が最悪だが、午後から夕方にかけて症状が改善する。「少しまとも」だと、「いつから出勤するつもりか」「給料はどうなるんだ」「もう辞表を出したのか」と容赦ない。

Yo! Listen to Me!!

朝、5時。「よぉ、『聞け』言うとるやろ！」という自分の声で目が覚めた。

京都の自宅のような場所。母親がやっていた書道教室のときの机の並び。6畳の部屋の端にKRTN、自分、それから誰かわからない人の3人が座っている。昔の会社にいたKRTNさんが、「所定の方式で（授業をやってください）」というようなことを言い出したので気分を害し、部屋を出る。別の部屋に移るが、それは自宅にあったような部屋ではなく場所は不明。そこにschemingでsadisticなことで不評だったKマネジャーがいて、「よぉ、『聞け』言うとるやろ！」。

一度、ベッドから出て気分を落ち着ける。

眠ると別の夢を見た。大晦日の様子。同級生だがつきあいのほとんどなかったOとSがいて、どこで新年を迎えるのか話していた。「KMFSNには今年一度もいかなかったし、XX（不明）も…」

電車の中。O、S、もう一人（不明）、自分の4人で並んで座っていた。向かい側には、3～4歳の男の子を連れた夫婦。いつの間にか、いっしょにいた3人が向こう側に、夫婦と子供がこちら側に席をとっていた。
子供は、自分のカバンの中に入っていた賃貸アパート雑誌が気になるようで、「今、アパートを探してないからあげてもいいよ」と渡す。母親が「すみません」とお礼。子供は、その雑誌に（なぜか）載っている「競艇選手データ」のページを見て、自分に何やら説明してくれている。どうやらいっしょにいる父親が競艇選手らしい。

電車が大阪の終着駅に着く。深い緑色にペンキで塗られた何本ものH鋼材を交差させたような外観。薄暗い。その駅で降りたり、構内を歩いているような場面はなかった。

京都では、母親が旅館のような建物で宴会の準備をして待っている。20人分もあろうか。誰が来るというのだろう。

また、京都は洪水で水浸しだと聞く。電車で会った子供が「京都に行く」と言うので、「洪水だ」と伝えると、家族3人で競艇用ボートで去っていった。自分はその光景を空から見ていた。

上新庄のアパートの前。オーナーが変わったのか、様子が違う。外壁はやはり深い緑色。「みんな出て行ったんでしょうか」と近所の人（誰か不明）にたずねる。「いや、端の部屋の人（自分?）以外は同じ」ときく。それぞれの部屋のドアの前には自転車などが置かれている。自転車置き場はどうなったんだろう。屋根の上を見上げると、パゴダの最上部のようなものが乗っかっている。たずねると「ラオス」のものだという。

昔の会社が夢に出てきたのは、昨日の夜「2 ch」でその掲示板を読んでいたからか…。「ラオス」は、"Chomsky Reader"がベトナム戦争について語っているからか…。

日曜日の朝に見た夢も思い出した。昔の家の家主だった人の自宅にお世話になり泊めてもらっている夢だった。

土曜日の朝も5時半に一度目が覚めた。

過去に何度も見たように思う夢。「近鉄丹波橋駅」。地上からかなりの高さの高架線路になっていて、奈良方面へと向かう電車が走る。駅改札口は、今どうなっているのか知らないが、昔と変わらず。もう一つは大阪。舗装もされてないような狭い道。平屋の建物が並ぶ。その数軒は居酒屋のような、またホルモン屋のような店。

Terrible Sleep and Chomsky Reader

わりと深く眠れたように感じる。短い夢をいくつも見ていることには変わりないし、ずっとそうなので薬とは関係ないかもしれないが、目覚めも相変わらず悪い。

いつも10時半から11時、遅ければ12時に服用するEpilimとAtivanをもう少し早い時間に飲んでみよう。

ベッドにもぐりっぱなしだと読書することすらないが、今は本ぐらいは読んでおこうという気持ち。おとといの夜から"Chomsky Reader"を読み始めた。

今日もCoffee Beanに行った。うちにいるときっと眠ってしまう時間に集中して読書に活用できる。

Thinking Allowed, but Its Uttering Banned

昨日、終わった本。"Thinking allowed?" (Warren Fernandez)

昨日と今日は近所のCoffee Bean に本を読みに行った。今日は洗濯もした。少しずつ生活が戻ってきたような「気がする」。しかし、睡眠の質は一向に改善されてない。一晩中、眠ってるのか、起きているのか、夢を見ているのかわからない。

処方された薬は、カウンセリングの開始とともに以前のZoloftとZopicloneからLexapro 、Ativan、 Epilimの3種類に変わった。そのうち、Lexaproは起きてから服用するように言われたが、服用後、眠くてしかたないと2度目のカウンセリングで言うと、就寝前にEpilimとAtivanといっしょに飲んでもかまわないとのことで、そうしていることが逆に睡眠を妨げているのかもしれない。今日の夜はLexaproは飲まないことにする。

Epilimは初回の処方が200 mgで、今は300 mg。

LEXAPRO (escitalopram) is in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Lexapro affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression. Lexapro is used to treat depression. Do not stop taking Lexapro without first talking to your doctor. It may take several weeks for you to start feeling better.

ATIVAN (also known as Lorazepam) is indicated for the management of anxiety disorders or for the short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety or anxiety associated with depressive symptoms.

[EPILIM] contains the active ingredient sodium valproate, which is a medicine that is used mainly to treat epilepsy. It works by stabilising electrical activity in the brain. In addition to its licensed use for treating epilepsy, sodium valproate is used off-licence by specialists as a mood stabiliser for treating people with the psychiatric illness, bipolar affective disorder. This use is not licensed, but the medicine has been shown to be effective for controlling episodes of mania in this condition, and for helping prevent future episodes of ill health. It is not fully understood how sodium valproate works as a mood stabiliser in bipolar disorder, but is thought to be to do with the increased activity of GABA in the brain.

Graham Greeneのことをもっと知りたいけど、Norman Sherryの書いたbiographyは3巻で2500ページもある…。

Kusa-kanmuri

よく夢を見るが、はっきり内容を覚えている場合は少ない。昨夜は声をあげて実際に笑っていたようだ。何を見ていたのだろうか。

1月31日の朝日新聞（電子版）。漢和辞典の「老舗」、大修館書店が「大きな決断」をして「新・漢語林」で「草かんむり」の画数を、表外漢字字体表やJIS漢字にならって真ん中が切れた4画から3画に変更したという。ほとんどの人が気づきもしないことにこだわって悩む、「漢字のプロ」の姿勢に敬意を感じずにおれない。

漢字、かな、ローマ字など表意、表音の種類にかかわらず、また活字であっても手書き文字であっても、バランスのよくとれた文字は美しい。文章に使われるものでありながら、それぞれの文字が美術デザインのようだ。表意文字の場合は、象形文字が文字であって絵でもあったことを思うと当然かもしれないが、微妙な線の長さや角度で文字の与える視覚的印象はずいぶん変化する。ローマ字で何とも微妙で美しいと感じるのは、たとえば、The Economist誌で使用されている大文字の"Q"で、上部の円形と下部の曲線の間にかすかで絶妙な空間があって好きだ。

英書には巻末に使用しているフォントについてわざわざ解説してあるものもあってうれしい。こだわりを感じる。文字が美術と通じていることをはっきり示すものだろう。

さて、この朝日新聞の記事は、「新・漢語林」編集部の円満字二郎さんの話として、「諸般の事情を考えて決断したのに残念ながら反響は全くありません」と伝えている。もう少し文字に関心をもってもいいのでは、と思う。しかし「円満字」という名前、できすぎではないだろうか。

Checking Pulse to See if I'm Still in This World

気分は多少よい。ベッドから抜け出せないということもない。

Q ちゃんのおかげで、食事もできている。

鼓動が止まっているように感じたり、「走っている」ように感じたりして、不安で生きてるかどうか脈拍を確認するようなときは一種の「パニックアタック」だろう。ここ数日はそうすることもない。

Mind Shrunk. Counselling with Shrink

2度目のカウンセリング。前回の続きで、記憶の呼び起こし。診察室には「あるはずの」ソファーがない。記憶を整理した後、どうなるのだろう。

記憶はすぐに思い出せるものだけでまだまだある。ただ、断片的だったりして、どこに「はめ込んで」いいのかわからないものが多い。

今回のことの直接の原因は仕事のストレスだと思うけど、根本の原因が何でそれがどこにあるのかは判断が難しい。また、わかったとしてもすでに起こった出来事を扱うべきなのか、今後カウンセリングがどのように進むのか患者でありながら、観察していきたい。