Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Chinese Madame Butterfly

Madame Butterfly… Puccini’s opera heroine, and also the name of a shop that sells China-themed accessories and interior goods. China-themed? Why? The Madame is a Japanese woman of Nagasaki (蝶々夫人) who falls in love with Pinkerton of the US Navy.

*
米サンフランシスコ地区デ発行サレテイル日本語新聞2紙ノウェブサイトヲ見タ。イズレモコミュニティー紙トイウ印象デ、ジャーナリズム、メディアニ関ワッテイル人ガ持ツベキ、文章ニ対スルコダワリヲ感ジナイ。失礼ナガラ素人ッポク、記事ノ内容ダケデナク、日本語ノ厳シイ編集ヲ経験シタ自分ニハ異質ナモノニ思エタ。勿論、内情ヲ知ラナイノデ、全ク見当ハズレノ意見カモシレナイガ。「共同通信」ヤ「朝日新聞」ノ記事ヲ拝借シテ、ソノママ掲載シテイルガ、著作権ノ問題ハナイノカ。省庁ヤ企業ノ会見ニ出席、直接取材サエデキルノハ、コノ国ノ狭サガ可能ニスルコトナノカ。広イ米国ト比較シテハイケナイノダロウガ、首相ヤ大統領ノ写真ヲ撮影デキル、コノ国ノ良サヲ少シ感ジタ。

人ヲ唸ラセル日本語ヲ書ク能力ハナシ。マシテヤ、英語デハ到底望ムベクモナイ。シカシ、大切ナノハ誰モガ見聞デキナイコトヲ経験スルコトダロウ。通訳カラ文筆ニ転ジタ米原万里サンガイイ例デハナイダロウカ。

*
♫ Honey honey hey, don’t you wanna man like me??

Earth Wind Fire... No, Wind Rain Thunder

マタ強イ風ガ吹イテキタ。ココ数日、今頃カラ朝方ニカケテ、雨ト風。ソノ音ヲ聞キナガラ、眠レズニ朝マデ過ゴスノガ習慣ニナリツツアル。雷ガ鳴ルコトモヨクアル。シンガポールノ雷鳴ハ、周囲360度ノ「サラウンド」。熱帯雨林ダトイウコト思イシラサレル。稲妻ハ縦ダケデハナク、横ニモ走ル。

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Nobody is living for me, I know, but I seriously wonder why the situation becomes even more difficult for me or makes me more unwilling to go back home… I have absolutely nobody to smile at or laugh with there.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Sisyphean Life

Bad sleep yet again. Sisyphean, Sisyphean, Sisyphean… That’s my life.

*
東京ノ噺家サンガ、死後2週間経ッテカラ自宅デ発見サレタトイフ。隣人ガ最近見カケナイト管理人ニ報告シテワカッタラシイ。コノ一門ハ何ヲヤッテルンダ?

*
I know I’m irrational, but in my mind, the US is becoming attractive again, may be because I was remembering my adventure there last night. However, it must be an adventure to the very last day wherever I may be.

*
“Orientalism”、遅々トシテ進マズ。

Monday, October 29, 2007

Yatata about Young Days

Kalamazoo and Boston, spring/summer in 1987:

Very first flight for me. Shinkansen from Kyoto to Tokyo. And to the Narita airport. Security check was heavy because on the same day, Prime Minister Nakasone was leaving for Washington. Boarded a Korean Air flight and stopped over at Honolulu, where I saw military aircraft for the first time in my life. Then, United to Chicago. Finally, a propeller flight to Kalamazoo.

Kalamazoo life. Mornings were almost always cool, crisp. Walk some distance from the dorm (Hoekje Hall) to the classroom. Lunch after two classes. Burrito, macaroni & cheese, sukiyaki rice… all yuck!! The only nice thing seemed orange juice. Two more classes in the afternoon, and go back to the dorm room for Budweiser and some nap. There were days when I went to the library to do finish homework. At the entrance of the Waldo Library, there was a framed copy of the surrender document signed by Shigemitsu Mamoru (重光葵).

In the last month in Kalamazoo, I was there quite often to read the microfilms of the report by Commodore Perry’s expedition to Japan. A young Japanese girl (I was young too) would call me for assistance with her homework. The point for me was to get used to the American environment, though now I know Kalamazoo doesn’t represent America. Classes, especially grammar class, were too easy for me. Dinner… burrito, macaroni & cheese, sukiyaki rice, all yuck again! After dinner, it was still bright outside. Time for volleyball!! Before going to sleep, Budweiser again. Cigarettes were “Merit.” Woooo! I was who I wanted to be!! I was me!

Those are the days and I never imagined years later I would suffer this way… My roommate, Hassan, who would say to me, “Don’t drink too much. Don’t think too much,” and his friend, Dawood, both from Dubai, the UAE. How are they doing now??

When the course end was approaching, I decided to go east alone by Amtrak. All the way to Boston. One of the teachers said, when I told him about my plan, “Crazy.” I took a train at Kalamazoo late afternoon. Detroit Station was all dark and I saw the old Tiger Stadium ahead. Then if I remember correctly, I changed to the Lake Shore Limited at Toledo, OH, and passing Cleveland I found another ballpark on the left. I got off the train at Pittsfield, MA, to board a bus to Lenox. There I spent two nights at a B&B to attend the Tanglewood Music Festival.

Back to Pittsfield by bus. But I didn’t know how to pay for the ride… The driver gave me a free ride. At Pittsfield Station, a girl came over to me to ask how long there would be before the train came. We talked some and she wondered whether I had dreams in English or Japanese. Incidentally, she was going back to Boston and learning that I had no hotel reserved, offered me lodging! She had a housemate, who was half-Japanese. They lent me a sleeping bag.

I walked and walked in Boston. The fried rice I had in the Chinatown was yucky!

The day I was supposed to go back to Kalamazoo, I missed the train. (I confess here that I arrived at South Bay Station well in advance, and I saw the train leave because I wanted to stay another night in Boston.)

On the Lake Shore Limited the other way, tears came to my eyes, thinking that my days in the US would be over very soon. My tuba-playing teacher sent me over to the Chicago Airport from Kalamazoo…

Portland, Atlanta, Topeka, Princeton and New York, fall in 1989:

I arrived at Portland, Oregon, on my way to Atlanta, Georgia. Stopped at the immigration counter because I had only a one-way ticket. I told the officer that my boss had given me only this ticket as he didn’t want me to come back until I finished my work… The officer called up a Japanese staff, saying, “He speaks some English, but…” The Japanese staff tentatively gave me two weeks to stay in the US. At the Atlanta airport, an airport man helped me get a taxi, saying, “You don’t know where you are going.” The hotel (Holiday Inn) was located rather far from the city center. I remember the man who carried my luggage to the room was talking about Japanese cars. (Sorry, I’m almost ignorant about cars.)

As soon as I settled in the hotel room, I turned on the TV and saw Dick Cheney on screen. The Berlin Wall was being torn down!

Next morning, I devoured the Atlanta Journal-Constitution to get information about what was happening in Berlin. But then I had to do some work and asked the front desk staff how I could go to Decatur (I even couldn’t pronounce the place name). It was a day too hot for wearing a jacket. Tried to find the bus stop but after some time what I found was something like a “michishirube (道標).” On bus, I was the only one who was wearing a suit and a tie… Having managed to reach the Decatur company, the boss told me that there was no statistics I needed. He probably lied but I had no way to enquire more. For the second half of the week, my boss joined me in Atlanta.

We flew to Topeka, Kansas, to do… I don’t remember what business we had there. The only thing I remember was to visit a primary school there to mingle with kids. And it was perhaps there where the boss said, observing the electrical work, “See, this looks like a ‘Heian Hakubutsukan (平安博物館).’”

From Topeka, we flew back to Atlanta during a thunder storm. It was a really scary flight. I saw purple thunder bolts down to the plane… In Atlanta, “I think” we met a Japanese man who was working at the commerce department of the state and another man who was perhaps a Japanese consulate staff.

After days in Atlanta, Topeka and again Atlanta, the boss and I went to Princeton, New Jersey, to see a business associate. Funnily, I really don’t remember anything about the business… We stayed at a lodge and went a nearby Japanese restaurant managed by a Taiwan man where no alcohol drink was available. We ordered the most expensive dinner set (funny sushi) and I went out to get some beer. Told it was only ten minutes to the nearest liquor store, I walked and walked… It was ten minutes by car!

We took a train at Trenton to go to NYC. Of course, we had no hotel reservation. My boss told me to try a hotel, near Penn Station, that looked like under renovation. There were vacancies and we stayed there. But it was the most interesting hotel! People staying there seemed all homeless and the shower room was like rubbles of concrete.

*
I really should have a digital camera to record the rest of my life.

Help Me Sleep!

After a few days of somewhat refreshed sleep, I couldn’t sleep until morning again. Hours I spend turning and rolling in bed are the worst moment, a big source of irritation. Images and thoughts that come out of the brain are all negative and scary.

Those people I'd Like to Work with Again

Well… There may be some people who think that I don’t like to work (i.e. lazy)… They are wrong. I even have met a few people with whom I’d like to work again. Working with them, I believe that I could learn things of so many different kinds (writing, music, history, etc.) and contribute some. One is Mr. Dali and another is Mr. H. There is no better environment than where you can be inspired by new ideas.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Cheerful Me

Friday night, Q bought me a conveyor sushi dinner. Tai (鯛) was completely dry and not even presentable. But I ate them anyway. I’m usually happy as far as I can have anago (穴子). Then you don’t have to spend so much to make me happy!

After we left the restaurant, she asked me where I was going. I said “Kinokuniya bookstore and then go home.” Well, I did go to the bookstore but didn’t go straight home. (Unintentionally I lied to her.) I dropped by CC for the first time in a few weeks. I found two different groups with rather many familiar faces there. I first joined one of the two (because there was no chair for me in the other group) while shouting, “Happily retrenched!!”

There were four or five women in the group too whom I didn’t recognize. But then one of them, looking at me, called my name. “Ha? Have we met before?” She said yes. She also said, “He is cheerful.” Me, cheerful??? I must have been drunk when I met her. I’m still not sure who she is. She is probably the only person who calls me cheerful in the whole world.

Later I joined the second group and had a nice time with them. A man in the first group came over to me when he was leaving and said, “Better things will happen to you.” I really appreciate it.

The only thing I want to hear is: “don’t worry.” (Even better if “I love you” is added.) My history is one of worries. My back has been to the wall and the wall doesn’t have any cushion. This is certainly an interesting life, if seen by a spectator.

Oddly Refreshed

金曜日ニ始マッタ咳ガ止マラナイ。木曜日夜ノエアコンノ風ガ原因ダト思フ。気分ハ悪クナイ。寝ツキガ悪イニモカカワラズ、金曜日カラ、ナゼカ朝早メニ目ガ覚メル。ソレモスッキリト。

Friday, October 26, 2007

Out of Bed

昨日ノ夜、“Orientalism”ヲ読ンデタラ、眠ッテシマッタ。目ガ開クト、1時間ホドシカタッテイナカッタ。ソノママ眠リ続ケヨウトシタケド、ダメ。寝返リヲ繰リ返シテ、朝ニナッタ。イツモナラ何トカモウ1度眠ロウトスルコトロダガ、サッサトベッドカラ出タ。

*
「NOVA」ガ会社更生法ノ適用ヲ申請シタ。新ラタナスポンサーガ現レルカドウカ……。業界ノイイ加減サガ、明確ニナルトトモニ、広告宣伝ニ踊ラサレテキタ消費者ニモ、反省スベキコトガアリソウ。

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I Only Need a Functioning Family

I’m feeling better today. Or it seems like so… (It can never be certain.) After a few days of no Cymbalta, it may be that it has started kicking in.

My understanding why the symptoms recur is that, when I must be doing nothing even remotely stressful, I have to worry about work and income. I can’t afford to think “Don’t worry, just enjoy your time.” Or probably more important, I only need a functioning family.

But don’t you see that I’ve persevered for so many years with this shitty condition, trying to look and be “normal”?

Listening to Zappa’s “YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON STAGE ANYMORE VOL. 6”… It can tell something about my mental condition today because depressed people can’t stand Zappa. Isn't that so???

*
It was a new fact that I’ve learned by reading “The Final Days” that Spokesman Ron Ziegler’s assistant, Diane Sawyer, is that Diane Sawyer of CBS’s “60 Minutes.”

Considering the work done by Al Haig, as Chief of Staff, to see the end of the Nixon presidency, I think it was quite understanding or even appropriate for him to decide to run for presidency himself.

*
However, for the past few weeks, I’ve had three instances of mental deterioration.
Amo Kenji (天羽賢治): suicide succeeded
Yasuda Tadao (安田忠夫): suicide attempted and survived
Richard Nixon: those around him, especially Haig, worried he might kill himself.

*
毎日報道ノ対象ニナッテイタノニ、スッカリ忘レラレテシマッタ人。ソビエト崩壊後スグニ「Pizza Hut」ノテレビCMニ、マタ最近ハ「Louis Vuitton」ノ雑誌広告ニ登場。Mikhail Gorbachev. 当地書店デハ、出版後数カ月シカ経ッテイナイハズノ、“Seven Years that Changed the World: Perestroika in Perspective (Archie Brown)”ハ全ク見アタラナイ。「ペレストロイカ」「グラスノスチ」ハ死語カ。

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

So She "Confessed" Her Parents are Korean?

アル女優ガ日本ノテレビ番組デ、「両親ガ韓国人デアルコトヲ告白シタ」ト書カレテイルノヲ、日本語版「Wikipedia」デ偶然見ツケタ。「告白スル」ニハ、ソノ事実ヲ秘密ニシテオクベキト言ウ示唆ガアリ、アタカモ両親ガ韓国人デアルコトヲ秘匿シテ当然ト言ワンバカリ。欧米メディアデハ、「She confessed that she is homosexual」ナドト言ウ文章ハアリ得ナイ。タダ、「She said that she is homosexual」ト書クダケ。

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Finally… I managed to visit the clinic and also settled the bill for the Mt. E. sessions there.

*
After “The Final Days,” I immediately started “Orientalism” by Edward W. Said. Ahhhh… this is a hard one to read. I don’t remember if I have ever encountered words like “jejune” and “veridic” (=veridical) before. Both are very nice words!!

Nixon Decides to Resign

Late afternoon on August 8, 1974…

The [Nixon] family had gathered [in the solarium]. Rose Mary Woods had come in a few minutes before [Nixon’s] arrival. “Your father has decided to resign,” she said, looking at the President’s two daughters….

The President stepped into the room. “We’re going back to California,” he said, and indicated that there would be no discussion. (p. 421, “The Final Days”)

子供ノ頃、ニクソン大統領ガテレビニ映ルト、「ホッペタガ、ブルドッグノヨウニ落チタオッチャンヤナァ」ト、イツモ思ッテタ。子供同士デ、「肉損、魚得」ト冗談言ウテタ。

Monday, October 22, 2007

Never Refreshed after Sleep

I failed to visit the clinic again…

Last night, I somehow managed to sleep at around midnight and but then woke up at 2 am.

Unable to go back to sleep, I moved to the living room and laid a tatami mat on the floor to get some coolness. Yet even armed with an eye mask, I had pathetic trouble sleeping. Doubly armed with sleeping pills, I finally fell asleep (I have no idea at what time). The next moment I came back to the world, it was 8 pm.

I was having, almost as usual, a long dream. I was at the house of my high school day’s girlfriend. A house… but it was actually a large building perhaps in some place in Osaka. There were lots of people who gathered for this occasion. I even found a few of my former American and Australian colleagues I had had in Japan.

Many times, people seemed to start preparing to leave the place. Whenever I followed them to leave and started collecting my barang barang, they came back with beer and shochu. And the party went on. They are nice enough to share drinks with me.

Some people were helping me get a flight (to where?). It appears that I lied to them by saying that I had a plan to fly.

*
朝青龍ガ治療シテイル蒙古ノ温泉保養施設ニ行ッテミタイト思フ。

*
上方ノ落語ガ聞キタイ。クスクス笑エルネタデエエ。爆笑センデモエエカラ。

*
小学校ノ国語ノ時間。教科書ニ書カカレテル文章ハ、モチロン標準語ナンヤケド、京都ノ子ガ読ムト、京都弁ノアクセントニナル。ソレカラ、作文ヲ書カセルト、京都弁デ書ク。「今日ハ、先生ガキャハリマセンデシタ」トカ。昨日ノ夜、眠ラレヘン時ニ、何デカ知ランケド、コンナ事モ思イ出シテタ。何デヤロ?

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米プロフットボールリーグ(NFL)ノチームハ「ペイトリオッツ(Patriots)」。迎撃ミサイルハ「パトリオット(Patriot)」ト呼ブ。不思議。

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Late Afternoon Dream

土曜日ノ夜カラズット起キテ、ヤルコト済マセタ。午後3時頃カラ7時頃マデ夢ヲ見テイタ。阪急梅田駅周辺ノヨウナ場所。

「ビッグマン」ガアルハズノ場所デハ、韓国舞踊ノ集団ガ踊リヲ披露シ、何ヤラ国際的ナパーティー会場ノヨウニナッテイタ。「Sir」ト呼バレテ、銀ノトレーニノセラレタオードブルヲススメラレタリモシテイタ。誰カヲ探シテイタノカモシレナイ。ソコニイル人ハ多カッタガ、誰カトイッショニイタトモ思ワナイ。階段ヤエスカレーターヲ上リ下リシテ、ドコカヘ行コウトシテイタガ、ドコニモタドリ着イテイナイ。ソコカラ屋外ニ出ヨウトシタ出口ニハシャッターガ下ロサレテイタ。

券売機デ切符ヲ買ッタガ、ドコヘ行コウトシテイタノカモワカラナイ。

*
夢ハ不思議。何日モ前ニ見タ夢ヲ突然思イダスコトガアル。ニモカカワラズ、覚醒時ニ突然思イダシタ夢ガ、一瞬ニシ消エ去ルコトモヨクアル。

Tired Really...

Yesterday, I didn’t go to the clinic… Instead, I spent the whole day in bed, half dreaming. I’ve run out of Cymbalta and am now feeling a bit of that familiar electro-sensation, caused by the lack of Cymbalta in the brain. Moreover, I need to see Dr. to rearrange or cancel the remaining one session at Mt. E. Hospital. Of course, I haven’t settled the bill yet.

*
A bit of appetite is back. But nothing I have with me here is attractive. Ohhhhh, it doesn’t have to be anything expensive. I just wanna have some decent Japanese cuisine. Maybe I would be happy even with local conveyor sushi.

*
安倍前首相のニュースがさっぱりない。退院したのかな?首相就任前から重い病状に気付いていた周辺が、晋太郎さんが果たせなかった首相就任を成し遂げさせてやろうとしたのではと勘繰りたくもなる。

Friday, October 19, 2007

Dishonest Man That I am

It takes more than five hours for me to fall asleep, with three tablets of Epilim. Should I divert my attention from all or try to face it straight? I NEED HELP! It is the saddest thing that I can’t be honest with my family about what is happening to me. But so what? It has been this way for so so many years…

Tomorrow, I need to refill Cymbalta and Xanax and to talk to the doctor to rearrange or cancel the remaining ECT session.

*
In August 1974, Richard M. Nixon was having trouble to accept the inevitable, impeachment by the House and probable conviction by the Senate. With a tape recorded in June 23 1972 (only a week after the Watergate break-in) that strongly implies that Nixon was involved in the cover-up of Watergate from the very early stage, those close to him, perhaps the only exception of his daughter, Julie, were aware that his presidency was over.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Let Me Say This Again...

Let me say this again, if I haven’t said this before, I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS MYSELF, PROBABLY I WAS BORN WITH THIS.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

BAD, BAD, BAD

背中下ノ鈍痛消エズ。不眠。食欲ナシ。

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Guide Wanted

When I’m alone thinking, I’m not sure if my way of judgment is reasonable or rational. I really need a guide, whom I’ve never had before.

*
一向に解決の糸口さえ見えない北朝鮮による拉致問題。シンガポール人で、「日本が朝鮮半島でかつてやったことを思えば、数人の拉致なんて何だって言うのか」と言った人がいる。拉致問題よりも核兵器の開発の方に焦点が当たりがちな国際論調。この拉致という犯罪は解決できるのだろうか?

Sleepless Night

朝マデ一睡モデキズ。胃痛ト右背中下ニ鈍痛アリ。午後ニナッテカラ睡眠トルモ、マッタク熟睡デキズ。

金曜日朝ノ歯磨キ中ニ「ホテリ」ガ始マッタ時、コラエテ無視シヨウトシタガ到底ダメダッタ。居間ニ移動ハデキタモノノ、スデニ視界ハナク、昏倒シタ。コンナ恐ロシイコトハ、何度モ経験スルモンジャナイ。

Saturday, October 13, 2007

It's Dangerous to Live Alone

コノヨウニ何度モ昏倒スルヨウデハ、独居スルコトガ危険デサエアル。生キ続ケルコトヲ意図スルナラ、対策ヲ講ジル要アリ。

*
The U.S. Supreme Court headed by Warren Burger unanimously decides to bypass the Court of Appeals (against President Nixon) and subpoenaed the 64 tapes requested by the special prosecutor, Leon Jaworski. Larry Speakes, later R. Reagan’s spokesman, appears as the press aide of the Special Counsel to the President for Watergate, James St. Clair. ("The Final Days")

Friday, October 12, 2007

Abyss

Devastated and cursed. Abyss… I deeply question my personality. There must be something fundamentally wrong about myself… 悩乱。けさ、病院へ行く準備をしようとして、またもや昏倒。「誰かが」悪いのではなく、「自分が」悪いとしか言いようがない。

*
意外だったが、「二つの祖国」は東京裁判の成り行きを詳述する。絞首刑判決を受けた7人の落ち着いた面持ちが深く、強いものを感じさせる。通訳モニターとして勤務する賢治はこの裁判に疑問をもつ。被爆した梛子は白血病を発症して死亡。日米に引き裂かれた賢治は、誰もいなくなった市ケ谷の裁判所に戻り、そして……。

*
Al Gore won this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

ECT...

I underwent the first session of ECT. It was quite painful when the IV needle went into my vein. There was a mask over my nose and mouth, something I don’t remember from the last time. Being only half conscious, when I wondered why it had not yet started, it was already over but I didn’t realize it because I was still under the effect of general anesthesia. When I did realize it, I felt pain in my temples, the evidence that electro-shock was administered.

*
いったんは上海に送られながら故障の生じたGIS(ガス絶縁開閉装置)を日本で再点検するために中国側派遣団に参加した趙丹青の夫、馮長幸は、日本側との交渉にも携わっていた隆一心の働きぶりを良く思わず、また妻と彼との仲を怪しんでいた。一方、今しか木更津に住む実父を訪れる機会はないと考えた一心は、夜桜見物の宴会から脱け出す。

実母や祖父らの位牌を前に、思わず時間を過ごしてしまった彼は、門限に間に合わないことを同室の馮に電話で伝える。宿舎では、一心の門限破りが問題となり、日本人の実夫に機密を漏らしていないかどうか事情を聞かれる。門限破りだけでなく、機密ファイルにはさんでいた「裏工程表」が紛失しており、内蒙古の大包鋼鉄へ左遷されてしまう。馮は門限に遅れる報告など受けていないと白を切り通したうえ、裏工程表を自分の懐に隠していたのだった。

1年半ほど経過してようやく事実を知った丹青は夫を告発し、離婚する。一心は2年近くも離れてしまった上海に戻ることになり、宝華製鉄では高炉の火入れ式が行われた。「江卓民上海市長」も登場。実の父と子は、火入れ式が無事終了すると、三峡下りに出掛ける。日本でいっしょに暮らすことを願う父に、陸一心は「私は、この大地の子です」と応える。(「大地の子」)

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極東軍事裁判が開始される。天羽賢治は東京勤務となって、この裁判の通訳モニター(通訳の訂正役)となる。(「二つの祖国」)

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昨日(月曜日)の大ニュース。睡眠薬と練炭を使った安田忠夫(元小結考乃富士)の自殺未遂。

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Katsuo and Atsuko

This morning, I went to see the doc one more time. Three times starting from next Monday, I will undergo ECT again. I LIKE THE SHOT as it takes two seconds for me to sleep.

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夏国鋒主席の進める超大型事業、宝華製鉄建設への集中した国費支出に批判が高まり、北牧副総理は事業の「下馬」を東洋製鉄に伝える。松本耕次上海事務所長は、中国側の論理に困惑するが、その間も満州に残した2人の子供を探し出すことを忘れない。「日中心を結ぶ会」から「マツモト」と姓を記憶している女性がいると聞き、牡丹工で会うが人違いだった。その頃、陸一心(松本勝男)は、妻から得た情報を頼りに張玉花を訪れる。別れるまで首にかけていたお守りを見せると、結核性脊椎炎と肺結核に苦しむ玉花(あつ子)は記憶を蘇らせる。

中国共産党内部では、夏国鋒主席が失脚。鄧化平が実権を握る

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「北牧副総理」は、当時基本建設担当副総理だった谷牧のよう。(「大地の子」)

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ちょっと言いたいけど、面接の時に言われた“American culture”の会社って何やねん。自分にはソビエトか中共のように感じられるけど。自分が経験したアメリカとは全く違う。Kalamazooをもう一度の思いは全く裏切られた。

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Tonight, I talked a lot about many things with a friend over beer. How nice.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Father and Son

宝華製鉄の建設事業は、中国側があらゆる場面で「中日友好の精神に反する」を持ち出し、工程の遅れは必至の状態。それでも上海事務所長の松本耕次は、仕事の合間を縫うようにして満州で関東軍に見捨てられた中国残留孤児の身元探し活動に加わる。息子の勝男がソ連軍の侵攻を生き延び、黒龍江省の勃利にいたという情報を掴む。父子は宝華製鉄事業で、すでに言葉さえ交わしているのだが。また、陸一心の妻で巡回医療隊看護婦の月梅は河北省で、生き別れになった一心の妹、あつ子と同年になる39歳の日本人孤児、張玉花と出会う。養父母に酷使され、その体はボロボロだった。一心は正式に共産党への入党が認められるが、党幹部、趙大烈の娘で一心とは大学の同窓になる丹青の夫がデマを流し、一心の追い落としを画策する。(「大地の子」)


賢治はフィリピンの戦場で弟の忠と遭遇する。そして、忠とともに逃走しようとした軍曹と見間違え、実の弟を撃ってしまう。兄による捕虜尋問で勇がヨーロッパ戦線でテキサス部隊救出時に戦死したことを知らされる忠は、尋問に多くを語らない。しばらくして賢治に日本への異動命令が下る。原爆投下後の広島を調査に訪れ、その惨状に驚く。収容所を出て広島に戻っていた「加州新報」の梛子との再会も果たす。原爆炸裂の直前に偶然地下へ降りていて助かったものの、彼女の両親はともに命を落としていた。GHQ勤務になっていたチャーリー田宮も元妻梛子、そして14歳の時から別れたままだった母妹と出会う。妹のマリーは原爆の熱風を受け、傷を隠すため黒いベールで顔を覆っていた。(「二つの祖国」)

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ミャンマー(ビルマ)軍政に反対するデモに軍が発砲して死傷者が出たことで、ASEANがどこまで関与するのか、その対応に注目。

Kenji and Tadashi

日系二世の天羽賢治と忠。忠は日本滞在中に開戦となり、日本軍に応召される。フィリピンに米軍の語学兵として送られた兄の賢治は、山下奉文将軍がバギオから死守しようとしているこの同じ国に弟の忠がいることを日本兵捕虜の証言から知る。(「二つの祖国」)

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前から思ってること。灰になったら海に投げ入れてほしい。波に流れて世界中を移動できるから。魚のえさにもなれるし。

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Black Cat Whispers

The Black Cat, that has never been and never can be my friend, is whispering to me…

There are to be more friends to meet, more to learn, more things to enjoy… Whenever I endeavor, the Black Cat stands in my way.

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普通の和食が食べたい。湯船につかりたい。

Angry Man Here

さっき友人からの電話で聞いた話。他人の事情を知ることなく、自分の事情だけと照らして発言する人がまだいるらしい。同胞であっても、生まれ故郷も違えば、両親も違う。育った環境も、受けた教育やその後の経験も違う。であるのに、同じ環境で暮らしてきたという全く的外れな仮定で意見を述べられても笑止千万。と同時に深い深い落胆を感じる。ちっとは「家庭の医学」でも読むか、新聞の医学相談にでも目を通してもらいたい。そのような考えであるから、国籍、民族、人種、文化、性別、宗教などなどの差異についても、それを受け入れようとせず、偏見がなくならないのだ。

Monday, October 01, 2007

I'm a Dog Lover. I Do Not Need Any Cat, Especially Black Ones

Before anybody told me, it is already October.

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Whatever was happening to me, I’d managed to finish The E every week even if I had to sacrifice my sleep, except a confusing period right after I arrived at Albany. However, I have no energy to do so this past week. I left The E open only after I finished the few sections.

Last Saturday, I talked a lot and enjoyed the night. Sunday morning (I don’t know what time it was), I found myself lying on the sofa. Having moved to the bed, next time I woke up, it was 9 pm.

Some years ago, when I almost did it was after a nice party. My mood swings drastically, even violently, to and fro. It even makes this trusting man suspicious of certain people. It is like a big shear I saw in 1996 at the Kwangyang (Gwangyang) steel plant. If I should not have some happy moments, what shall I do then???

Cans of beer and two movies did nothing to make me relaxed. I want to believe there is still a way to get out of this. But it is certainly tough and uncomfortable to work in a monastery-like environment. I NEED HELP. Really… The Black Cat is looking at me.

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As I’m proceeding with “Futatsu no Sokoku (「二つの祖国」)” and “Daichi no Ko (「大地の子」),” I’m delaying “The Final Days” again. It will take a few weeks to reach the final day.

「大地の子」から:日本人であることから海外特務(スパイ)と生産破壊というでっちあげの罪で「小日本鬼子」陸一心は、文化大革命後に内蒙古の労改から釈放され、日本語が少し理解できることから重工業部に配属される。日本語は、労改時代に日本育ちの華僑で、やはり海外特務に問われた黄書海から「母国語を忘れるのは恥だ」と言われ、羊を追いながら教わったものだった。養父母との再会も果たし、文革で父を失った看護婦、江月梅と結婚する。

田中角栄の訪中による中日国交正常化を受けて、中国政府は現代化の柱のひとつである製鉄業発展のために、鉄鋼協会視察団を招く。一心は、視察団のひとりが言った「遅れているな、玩具(おもちゃ)みたいだな」という言葉に怒りの拳を握りしめる。

「一体、あの日本人たちの精神構造は、どのように成りたっているのだろうか。曾て武力を以て中国大陸を侵略し、無辜の人民まで殺戮しておきながら、国交回復では、『遺憾』という曖昧な表現で、過去の罪業を詫びたのみであった。自分はその世代の日本人たちの犯した過去の罪悪に、幼い頃から小日本鬼子と軽蔑され、絶えず、頭(こうべ)を垂れて生きて来たのだった」。

上海に建設する製鉄所は「宝華製鉄」。東洋製鉄の木更津工場のような最新鋭の製鉄所建設を望む中国側から出される無理難題を処理するのは、東洋製鉄の松本耕次。満蒙開拓団に参加した後に応招され、満州に残った妻と子供2人をソ連軍の侵攻で失った過去を持つ。陸一心はその時7歳だった。

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「宝華製鉄」は「宝山製鉄所」ね。Ohara-sanが関心を持ったことに全く不思議なし。そして「玩具みたいだな」で思い出すのは89年に出張で渡米した際、社長が現地の鶏卵自動処理システムの設計作業を見て「平安博物館やな」と言った一言。