Another Disaster, Beyond My Worst Expectation

Day 3 in Saigon

Once again, I’ve realized being nice and good to others does not guarantee they are nice and good to me. Life can be cruel and it is cruel to me now. Looking back, it seems to me I’ve missed a few chances that might bring me things positive, delightful, fulfilling. But I don’t think I could afford to be active to grab those potential chances because the first priority was my own survival. It does not mean I was lazy. Only when I am relatively sure about my (financial) survival, I am able to think about my future especially when it’s my future with someone with whom to live I should be able ttao contribute to a life which is to be shared with whomever it may be. Another reason, as important, is mother.

After I became pretty sure I could survive and started taking serious action for the future, it’s been a series of disasters. This trip is one of them. Those talks about deeply intimate and serious things have been wasted. All my attempt have been to find a place which I can call home, where I can live with serene happiness with my own family.

Making a family – It may be to prove my own worth, which was denied again and again by mother and brother. Now, it may be too late.

One purpose of this trip was to trace some of the footprints Kondo Koichi left behind in this city. The area where he lived with his wife and her family has changed beyond recognition. It’s not been even a decade since I was there, but I don’t the place anymore. For purely personal reason, I want to forget all about this city.

i wish my return flight would explode in midair.