"Gomen Ne" CD by A-Mei

張恵妹の「♫ ごめんね」（曲名忘れた）が収録されているＣＤを買うつもりで、近くの「Ｔｈａｔ　ＣＤ　Ｓｈｏｐ」に行った。彼女のＣＤを１枚も見つけられんと、何にも買わんと帰ってきた。ただ、なぜか「西城秀樹」「近藤真彦」「五輪真弓」のＣＤが並んでた。売れるんかいな。

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Last night, I received a call from ANL, and met him at the nearby food court for some beer. I was wearing my “Nishitetsu Lions” T-shirt. Remarkably, he recognized the team!!

Some beer… But I was drunk enough, and today I didn’t even remember that I had already uploaded yesterday’s diary to my blog site after midnight.

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Reading Said or Chomsky always makes me realize my lamentably insufficient aptitude of structuring sentences and vocabulary. Insufficient aptitude… If it’s insufficient, it cannot be called aptitude… More appropriate words are “Bodoh” and “笨笨(gong gong or ben ben).”

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防衛研究所で「化学兵器中国で遺棄」覆す文書見つかる（産経新聞）

「終戦後、中国大陸で旧日本軍が化学兵器を中国側に引き渡したことを示す文書が、防衛省防衛研究所などに保管されていることが分かった。日本軍が中国で遺棄したことを前提に進められている遺棄化学兵器処理事業は見直しを迫られることになりそうだ。
この事実は、防衛省の関係団体「財団法人ディフェンスリサーチセンター」が外務省の依頼で行った調査資料の中から、ジャーナリストの水間政憲氏が見つけた。調査資料は今年１月、外務省に報告されているが、中身は公表されていない。

これまでに、台湾で日本側から化学兵器が引き渡された文書が防衛研究所にあることは、雑誌「正論」編集部の取材で明らかになっていたが、中国大陸での引き渡し文書が見つかったのは今回が初めてだ。
中国に残っている化学兵器はすべて旧日本軍が遺棄したものとされ、日本が全額負担しなければならない理由を、外務省は「引き渡したことを証明する書類がない」としてきたが、水間氏の調査により、外務省の主張はますます根拠を失った。」

戦争が終わって何年経ってんのよ！防衛庁、防衛省は管轄下の研究所に何が保管されているかも把握してないのか？おまけに、見つけたのは研究所勤務のお役人ではなくて、ジャーナリスト。これまで日本政府が「遺棄化学兵器処理」のために税金で負担した金額はいくらか？情けない。

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This thought of mine to visit Myanmar is growing… But searching work for a cheap air ticket between Singapore and there really saps my energy.

Japanese Translation of "Orientalism"

A Japanese translation version of “Orientalism” is available. Who is this translator? To translate this magnificent book, it requires not only a tremendous amount of knowledge of colonial history, East and West, but linguistics, philology, epistemology, etc. This book cannot be translated without recognizing the difference between linguistics and philology and what kind of academic subject epistemology is…

I don’t intend to read the Japanese version of “Orienalism.” Never. While translation work can be simple word replacement (though it must not be so), this book is so deep, a mere translator cannot and should not handle this work by Said.

My Second Trip to the End of the Land

My second trip to P. Ris, the end of the land. Soon after I left home, I realized that I had forgotten to bring “Orientalism (now page 222).” On bus and train, I can read with concentration. There was no time to go back to home. Moreover, at the entrance gate of the station, the value of my EZLink card was already negative… And I found that the machine system to add value to cards changed and took more than a few minutes to complete a simple transaction.

However, every time I spend a nice time with her, and today was not an exception. I hope I’m not trying to go too fast. I just wish that she continue her learning with or without me. My role is to introduce basic matters to her so that she becomes willing to apply them to further her learning.

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Remembering my days in Taiwan (2000), I started listening Zhang Hui Mei (A-Mei) again.

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According to the “Epoch Times – Singapore (1-7 November 2006),” Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew “stressed” in the speech he made in Dallas that “no problem with Falun Gong in Singapore; it enjoys freedom” and wished its practitioners “success in their efforts to gain freedom in mediation [in China].” I don’t know why such an old edition came today. But the content is of significant importance.

A Matter of Surprise. Good Sign?

A matter of some surprise is that for more than a week, my sleeping pattern is ok. The medication is the same, and when I drink, I do so quite a lot. Whilst stress from working may have disappeared, stress from not working should be felt. I don’t spend in bed for 16, 20 or 30 hours… Not only about my sleep have I been eating regularly, even three meals a day, when I used to manage a light meal. What is happening to me? I don’t know this is thanks to what, but I want to believe this is a good sign.

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日刊スポーツの見出し「桂銀淑が覚せい剤所持で逮捕」。「～が」で始めるような見出しは誤解を招く場合があるので、自分ならできる限り避ける。「桂銀淑が逮捕」では、彼女が逮捕したのか、されたのかわからない。もちろん、彼女が逮捕できる立場にないが、主語が「桂銀淑」じゃなくて、「警察官」だったら？どっちかわからなくなる。「警察官が覚せい剤所持で逮捕される」とも読める。「桂銀淑、覚せい剤所持で逮捕」で十分。基本的に見出しに受動態を使うべきはない。

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The Official Frank Zappa Website is having trouble???? Accessing it, it’s all dark gray…

Miscellaneous Yatata

24日、鹿児島市で「かつお節早削り大会」があったそうや（朝日新聞）。「けずり機」というものがあるらしい。パック入りの削り節なんてあらへんかった子供の頃は、毎朝のように大工道具のかんなで削ってたんやけどなぁ。

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産経新聞：「エル社は平成１７から１９年にかけ、元本を保証した上で高配当を約束し、『協力金』の名目で、男女４人から出資金計約１７００万円を預かった疑いで、警視庁が今年１０月、東京都新宿区の本社や波会長の自宅などを家宅捜索されている。」

「されている」の主語は？このままなら「警視庁」になってしまうやないか。「警視庁が……家宅捜索されている」？「警視庁に」と書かかなあかんやろ。それから、主語「エル社」と述部「されている」が離れすぎや。

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「なぜ人は酩酊を求めるのか？それは気持ちがよいから。馬鹿みたいに単純な答えだけどそうなんだ。人間は誰だってもともとどこかが欠けている。みんなその欠け部分を補うために何かに依存して生きていく。酒に走る人もいるし、異性に走る人もいる。おれはギャンブルだという人もいるだろうし、それが自分の子供に向かったり、権力や金に向かったりする人もいるということなんじゃないか。

素面になってから、酒やドラッグに依存して廃人になる人と生き残る人の差について考えたんだけど、結局“役割”なんじゃないかと思うようになった。役割のある者は生き残って、ないものは死ぬ。淘汰だ。冷たいような言い方だけど、この世に合わない人は無理に生きていく必要はないと思う。」（「さかだち日記」）

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同書読了。らも氏は、アルコール依存、躁、うつで入退院を繰り返したけど、周りには、いつも妻子もバンド仲間も劇団仲間もいた。引きこもってしまう自分とは、そこが大きく違うような気がする。

ＭＲＩによると、らも氏の脳には萎縮している部分があったそうだが、自分は産まれた時に床に落とされたのか、産婆さんか母親の寝かし方が悪かったのか、頭の左右がかなり非対称で、左側が大きく凹っこんでる。ちっちゃい頃、父親が「おまえの頭、えらいいがんでんなぁ」と言ったり、上新庄の理髪店のおばちゃんに母親の寝かし方を指摘されたり、当地の店では「あんたの髪（頭）は左右が対称じゃないので切りにくい」と言われたり。大阪で撮ったＣＴスキャンの写真を自分で見た時にはちょっとショックやった。脳の左右非対称がうつに関係してんやないかとさえ思ってしまう。

先に読み終わってしまったが、「今夜、すべてのバーで」には、「久里浜式アルコール依存症スクリーニング・テスト（ＫＡＳＴ）」なるものが紹介されている。14の質問に答えて、その点数によってアル中度を判定するものだ。「きわめて正常（正常飲酒群）」と判断されるのは－５点以下。ちなみに、自分の点数は5.4だった。らも氏は12.5。このテストを彼にやってみろといった社会部記者は14点。いずれも、「きわめて問題多い（重篤問題飲酒群）」（２点以上）と判定される。少しでも飲酒する人で、－５点以下なんて人がいるなんて信じられん。

「……ひとつ、高得点を祝って、いっぱい飲みにいくかね」（「今夜、すべてのバーで」）

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Another Middle East peace talks begin tomorrow in Annapolis, Maryland. If any compromise is to be established, it will be something favorable to Israel. And the Palestinians will be deeply disappointed yet again. It should be clearly undeniable that the U.S. cannot be a neutral and honest broker to Arab-Israeli negotiations.

Early Xmas Gift to Myself

With no prospect of steady income, I know I should not spend. However, staying home day after day, because going out means spending, is becoming too much. Late afternoon yesterday, I had a message from AZ and we decided to meet for dinner. I enjoyed my second encounter with her. Her proposal of Japanese lessons is, I believe, an unexpected positive happening to maintain my tie to the world.

And today, the last day of a 20%-off weekend at Kinokuniya, I bought “Milosevic” by Adam LeBor, “The Temperance Dairy (「さかだち日記」)” by 中島らも and some Japanese learning materials.

Kinokuniya used to have no book about Milosevic as far as I can remember, but today I found three about him and a few about Gorbachev. Fidel Castro’s autobiography was also on sale. It was over $70. I didn’t buy it.

So, yesterday and today, it was quite a case of big spending by my present standard. But let me consider all as an early Christmas gift to myself…

But as happened many times before, I feel kinda miserable on the next day after a pleasant night. It is like “reverse correction” of mental condition.

My Printer Given by the Late Mr. F

I went to the computer shop at TB Plaza to buy ink cartridges for my EPSON printer and a 2GB memory stick. To prepare materials for Japanese lessons, I decided to set up the printer, which has been sleeping in the storeroom since I moved to this KTP flat. The printer was given by the late Mr. F some years back.

Basically, it takes only a USB cable to set up the printer, but to print a page, an error message appeared again and again and again… It took me more than a few hours to solve the problem. It was a problem of the port the printer is connected to.

By teaching or simply talking about the Japanese language, I can relearn it and it surely reminds me that I’m Japanese.

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昨日だったか、「がけっぷち犬」が救出保護されてから１年という記事があった。この「がけっぷち犬」は多くの人が引き取りたいと希望し、飼い主になった人から今も愛情を受けているようだ。ところで、この「がけっぷち男」はどうなるのだろう？

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産経新聞の連載企画「私の失敗」に細川護熙元首相が登場していた。２カ月も前だが、けさ発見した。細川さんは記者会見で「Teleprompter」を使ってたな。後にも先にも彼だけ。目線の高さに設置した透明パネルに原稿を映し出して、正面を向いて演説できる。日本では「スピーチプロンプター」と呼んでいるようだ。アメリカでは当たり前なのに、日本の政界では普及しなかった。もっとも、細川さんが使ってたのは目立ったちゃいけない支柱が太すぎた。

日本新党……。何か風があったな。嵐の風じゃなくて、突風じゃなくて、爽快な風のようだった。小池百合子（前防衛相、自民党)、前原誠司（前民主党代表）、野田佳彦（民主党）、海江田万里（知らない）などなど。

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More than 200 pages of “Orientalism” are behind me. It may still take another month to read the last page of it…

US Nuclear Weapons in Okinawa

産経新聞によると、米軍による核兵器の沖縄持込み（密約）について、極東の安全保障の観点から、韓国と中華民国が「核抜き」に反対したと伝えている。

同じく産経新聞は、国民新党の亀井静香代表代行が、平松氏が当選した大阪市長選に関連して、「創価学会の麻薬で生きてきた自民党だが、麻薬が効かなくなると大変だ。慢性依存症が強くなっていて、そこが手を引くと、全体ががたついた」と報じている。

Early Bird (in a Way)

Almost same on Monday. Yesterday I believe I went to bed only at 2 am and woke up 4:30 am and woke up again at 7:30. I don’t know whether or not I was sleeping for the three hours. But anyway, I left bed at 8:30 am.

"Party within Party" to be Excluded, Ozawa Suggests

Almost everyday at night, I go to a nearby store. I feel glad when any of them working there say “Hello” to me with a smile.

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「大連立で公明排除」小沢氏発言明かす（産経新聞）
2007.11.19 20:37
民主党の鳩山由紀夫幹事長は１９日、日本記者クラブで講演し、小沢一郎代表が今月２日の福田康夫首相との党首会談後の民主党役員会で、自民党と大連立する場合に関して「公明党を入れるつもりはない」と説明したことを紹介。この点について小沢氏は「首相がどう考えているかは分からない」とも述べたという。

ほら、言った通りだ。新進党での旧公明議員の行動を「党内党を作る」と批判した人だ。排除の考えは当然だろう

Waking up Early after Nice Sleep

Again I took two Epilims (sodium valproate) and a Valium (diazepam) together. And again it was nice sleep, except I woke up at 4:30 am. For the following four hours, I don’t know if I was sleeping or merely closing my eyes. Miraculously I got out and up from bed at 8:00 am. Strictly speaking, I’m not observing instructions by the doctor. I’d like to be sure there is no adverse interaction caused by taking the two different types of drugs at the same time. It this a faint sign that my condition is improving?

Then this afternoon, trying to proceed with “Orientalim,” I had a peaceful nap for more than a few hours.

"Naked Lunch" is not Available

I don’t remember exactly at what time I went to bed, but it didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, maybe thanks to two Epilims and a Valium. Valium is not supposed to be taken so late. The doctor’s instruction is take it at 10:00 pm…

When I opened my eyes, it was still before dawn. So I, in an unreasonable mind, took two more Epilims and another Valium. Well it was nice sleep. But when I finally got up, I was feeling drowsy…

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Right after finishing “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」),” I went to Kinokuniya (Ngee Ann City) to buy “Naked Lunch” by William Burroughs, which was mentioned in Ramo’s book, but the bookstore didn’t have it. Instead, I got some basic Japanese learning materials.

“Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town” is not a joke story. The scenes where Ramo and another patient and then his doctor have ethyl alcohol used to clean dead bodies at the hospital’s mortuary are even shocking…

Perhaps, the he studied this much about addiction is from a similar motivation that makes me learn more about depression.

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大阪市長選挙で、元毎日放送アナウンサーの平松さんが当選。あの平松さんか。大阪市会には都島選挙区の船場太郎もいる。

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I don’t know what Chinese religious sect it is, but to me, it often sounds very strange to bring a live band to let it play Chinese popular songs. I understand Chinese funerals are very loud (from the movie “Year of the Dragon”). Though I am very generous and understanding about a Chinese clarinet, then a saxophone, an electric guitar and drums? .

When I die, I don’t want to have that sort of ceremony. And definitely, I don’t want the Soka-style ceremony. I would want my friends to say “Good bye for now” to me and to be cremated and scatter the ashes to the sea so that I could go anywhere in the world.

Who's Crazy? You or Me?

I have almost finished “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」)” by Nakajima Ramo (中島らも). He knew a lot about addiction, alcohol or drugs. In the book, he even talks about Karl Menninger, who, according to Andrew Solomon’s “The Noonday Demon,” said that suicide requires the coincidence of “the wish to kill, the wish to be killed, and the wish to die.”

And he cites diazepam, nitrazepam, opioid, methaqualone, ethinamate, ethchlovynol, amobarbital, pentobarbital, meperidine, Brovarin (bromovelerylurea), Elavil (amitriptyline), Aventyl (nortriptyline hydrochloride) and others. As he of course writes names in “katakana,” I cannot figure all out.

And I have taken the followings over years:
Zoloft (SSRI)
Zopiclone (cyclopyrrolone)
Lexapro (SSRI)
Ativan (lorazepam)
Epilim (Sodium valproate)
Valparin (valproic acid)
Effexor (SNRI)
Xanax (benzodiazepine)
Valium (diazepam)
Cymbalta (SNRI)

Hahaha!! What am I doing here??? I’m not going to be any kind of addict!!! But one interesting thing is he advocated the monopoly of controlled drugs by the government. It pretty much sounds like the view of the E.

At times, I feel quite ok or very “normal” and those who think I’m crazy are in truth “abnormal.”

Funny Pattern of Sleep Continues

It was 10:30 pm when I got out of bed. Following the funeral music of a few days ago, big noises coming from a construction site irritated me very much, making disappear any energy or willingness to do something constructive from my mind. A construction site destroyed my constructive mind. I, not surprisingly at all, stayed in bed in a petulant fit of pique with earplugs on. And Q came for house cleaning, which disturbed and thus prolonged my sleeping. Anyway, there seems nothing that I should do or enjoy only during the daytime. Eating? I’m not so interested in food in the first place. Sleeping takes precedence over eating, certainly. I cannot think of things I cannot do productively in the night. While feeling that I should alter this funny pattern of sleep, I like the sereneness of the night.

My First Nakajima Ramo Book

Liang Courtまで行った。うちからやったので、今日は195番のバスで。中島らもの「今夜、すべてのバーで」を買ってきた。自らのアル中体験を小説化したもの。「……リアリティに対してもともと抗性のない人間が、アル中なり薬物中毒になるのかもしれない」と書いてるけど、「私の人生はフィクションです」と言うてみたい気がしないわけでもない。

肝機能の示すＧＯＴ、ＧＰＴ、γＧＴＰの数値が出てきたりもする。８月に受けた血液検査には、どの数値の結果もない。どうせやったら、もうちょっと値段の張る検査にしといたらよかった。

「中島らも」という名前に初めて出会たんは、「啓蒙かまぼこ新聞」か「明るい悩み相談室」のどっちかやった。「明るい悩み相談室」は、KalamazooのWaldo Libraryに置いてあった数日遅れの朝日新聞で読んでた。1987年のこと。その後、テレビで見るようになったけど、（酔ってるせいでか）早口言葉はでけへんやろなぁと思わせる話し方とめがねでいっぺん見たら忘れんかった。なぜか、中島らもを思うと、「ひさうちみちお」もいっしょに頭に出てきてしまう。しゃべりがちょっと似てるからか。

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連載で笑わしてくれんのは、「米朝　口まかせ」（朝日）と「京の噺家桂米二でございます」（日経）。育った日本語で話すことが減ってしもたさかい、文章でもええから接したいと思うんやろな。あぁ、落語が聞きたい。ウェブサイト「なにわテレビ」の「落語チャンネル」がさっぱり更新されへんので、困ったもんや。

Sooooo Irritated

Very high irritability. Went to bed at 5 am and woke up at 8 am. Then funeral music started outside. A live band was playing very loudly. Extremely irritated though I have no grudge toward the dead person. Stayed in bed till midnight.

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The autographed baseballs are missing together with the wooden box in which I was keeping them! Among them was one of major Hawks players of 1976, including Nomura (野村), Enatsu (江夏), Fujiwara (藤原) and Kadota (門田)… I got the ball from the Hawks program the Radio Osaka was broadcasting then.

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Asked Q where they are. “In the store room.” A huge sigh of relief…

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ここ数日間、食事の場面が出てくる夢ばかり見る。眠る時間がとんでもなくなっているので、食事をまともにしていないからだろう。

Junior High Friend

また長い夢を見た。「おじじ」と会った。そして、けさ、日本語の「ウィキペディア」を見ていたら、中学生の時に聞いていたラジオの深夜放送ＤＪのページがいくつもあった。そのうちのひとりは「諸口あきら」で、また「おじじ」につながった。彼は、北白川の「もろぐち亭」によく行ってたから。隣り学区の小学校を卒業した人だったが、自分にはそんな友だちが多かった。まだ大人になりかけの年齢だったのに、すでに大人びていて、みんな彼を「おじじ」と呼んでた。

彼やその他の友だちをつなげたひとつは写真で、「Ｆ１」や「ＯＭ１」がはやりだった。彼らはネオパンなんかのフィルムで撮影した白黒写真を自宅で現像していた。

「おじじ」は高校に進学せず、調理師学校に入った。京都三条寺町や樟葉の飲食店で働いていた。一体、今どうしてるんやろ？

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朝日新聞：１３日夜、東京都港区内のふぐ料理店に小沢氏、鳩山氏、菅直人代表代行、輿石東参院議員会長が顔をそろえた。懇親を深めるためで、小沢氏を囲んでふぐ料理に舌鼓を打った。

いいねぇ。呼んでくれれば参加したのに。

1st Person Singular

It appears it’s always “first person singular.” I do want to use “first person plural.”

♫ “I’m the best of all the worst
The torture never stops
That’s the deal I’m dealing in
Who is that person that he's locked away down there
Is he crazy?
Is he sainted?
Is he a zero someone painted?”

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I now know (to some extent) what E.W. Said is talking about in his “Orientalism.” Hahaha!! Still around page 135.

Trying to Cling to Imagined Hopes

No doubt about it. I’m feeling a debilitating sense of insecurity and also absurdness. And this feeling of insecurity makes me attempt to hold on to any kind of hope, offline or online, that I have come across. The result is ironically more insecurity because so far hopes, presumably real, have been all creation of my imagination. It is not anybody’s betrayal, but my own fault. I should blame myself for thinking that I have found something I can grab and retain to myself. How silly.

In my mind, I cannot depict my future, even a day ahead. Or the only sort of future I see these days is all dark. I try to sleep so I can avoid meeting my Black Cat while awake. Daytime, when people are active, is the worst. I do not want to look at this inert person in broad daylight.

"Iron Arm" Inao Kazuhisa is Dead at 70

鉄腕が亡くなった。日刊スポーツとスポーツニッポンのサイトが速報している。

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おととい（11日）の朝、少年野球の練習か試合に出かける父子を見かけた。月曜日の朝なのに、なんでやろと思ったら日曜日だった。曜日の感覚がなくなりだした。

No from YouTube "Rakugo"

せっかく”YouTube”で上方落語を楽しもうと思ったのに、ログインできないではないか！何カ月もアクセスしてなかったし、何かシステムが変更されたのかも。それならそれで、通知があるはずだろうし……。

More Than 30000 Kill Themselves a Year in Japan

政府が昨日明らかにした「自殺対策白書」によると、2016年までに自殺者数を05年比で２割以上削減することを目標にするらしい。1998年以降、自殺者数は毎年３万人を超えているという。

もちろん、削減しないといけないが、自殺者を統計数値として扱っていることを奇妙に感じるし、「２割以上」から外れた人はどうなるのかという思いもする。

*

Got out of bed at 9:30 pm… Alamak, something seems still very wrong.

Convenience Store Talk

Carlsberg Beer, probably the best beer in the world. In what way? Its combination of the alcohol degree and taste?

Almost everyday, I go to the nearby convenience store to buy some beer. And I sometimes see a friendly old man there, who today said to me, “Coming to Singapore and work and enjoy!!” “I’ve got retrenched recently and I need a job. Find me one” I said. He told me to check the “Straits Times.” He is also the one who mentioned the year of the Japanese invasion (wrongly) sometime ago. Because I got many cans today, I excused (I mean lied) “No lah, with my friend.” He asked, even though I said “my friend,” “how many?” I said “two of us.” He and a young girl working with him still seemed surprised.

Upside down Sleeping Time

After reading some (not many) pages of “Orientalism,” I finally fell into sleep around noon and woke up at 5 pm. I believe that I have a few more Said and Chomsky books to read. I shouldn’t stop here.

Another No Sleep Night

全く眠れなかった。ビールも効かず、時間を置いて仕方なく飲んだ薬も効かず。イライラするばかり……。

No Concentration

Trying to read “Orientalism” but not able to concentrate. Trying to listen to music, Zappa or otherwise, but not able to really enjoy it. (If you have to try to listen, you shouldn’t listen to that music.)

More than anything else, I stopped reading the E. It was something that I had continued almost obsessively.

*

To Meidi-Ya on Tuesday, I walked from Clarke Quay station. From Exit C, it was like a boot camp training. No escalator. Walking steps up and up and up… I got muscle pain in my calves.

*

I learned also on Tuesday that CH had left the company. She is the one who asked me “what do you think about the culture here?”

Dewali Holiday

This morning, I heard voices of kids and a sound of explosion of what seemed like crackers. It’s Dewali. Sometime later, I also heard the voice of a man though I couldn’t figure out what the voice was saying. A cop, maybe?

*

I like to talk and I like to be silent. I miss people and I like to be alone.

Good or Confusing?

Has it been a good day or confusing day?

Q came and mentioned that she might move to M. Parade. Then what shall I do, if it really happens? Why move so often??

*

I collected my passport. Arrived at the company more than two hours late.

I had a short talk with the HR manager and she was extremely nice to me to the last moment. She said, “Keep in touch. There is a team in Japan translating financial news. Let me know if you go back to Japan…” Japan… Japan… At this moment, I really don’t know…

End of It

I managed to visit DJ to pass my passport and EP card this morning after I stayed up overnight. I wanted to see the HR manager, but then the receptionist said, “I am the one who does it.” So I didn’t insist on seeing her, though I said to the receptionist that she knew I would come. No smile, it all took three minutes.

Coming back home, I emailed the HR manager to let her know that I had left my passport and card at the reception and I would visit the company again tomorrow to collect my passport, and she kindly replied. I will see her probably for the last time.

On the way home, I accidentally met my former colleague at the exit of “Meidi-Ya.” And I learned that that the chief editor had left the company. Oh……… Such a competent editor... Surely a big loss for the company.

I Wanna Stay in Bed Forever

I had to cancel today’s 10:30 am visit though I think I could have gone out if I pushed myself hard enough. Right after I emailed to notify my no-show, I went back to bed, and stayed there until 2 am.

*

With mother and brother, I was walking down a well-tended road with a white center line newly painted. To our right, there was quiet sea. They may have proceeded without me. I don’t know… But suddenly I found myself alone. Across the road, there was a large group of people, men and women, young and old, celebrating the day with some ritual performances. I joined them. The structures were all rusty low tin-roofed and it was a messy place. Nothing was clean. I even found two human-sized brown rabbits that were talking to each other in a language I didn’t understand. It was rather a scary scene.

I wanted to leave this bizarre place but didn’t know the way at all. Then, I saw a man in the crowd, whose presence definitely changed my mind. He was Fujita Manabu (藤田学). The rookie of the year in 1976. I approached him and asked him if he remembered an enveloped containing a 500 yen bill I had sent to him in 77. “Oh, it was you!” he said. We took a few group photos with him in the center. He was a celebrity in town.

*

In (half) sleep, I was really confused about where I was, Japan or here. Maybe I was a bit hungry (whole day, no meal), seriously thinking about get some instant noodle or something from a kitchen cabinet. There is no such cabinet here. The image I was seeing was definitely of my old home in Japan…

FZ's Laughing Voice

You listen to Mahler? FZ must have been laughing.

Vivid Childhood Memories

Thunder storm!!

*

Because in my mother’s stories, my father seemed always the worst man who could be found in the whole world, I as a small kid rather seriously worried he might kill her one day. A wife-beater, womanizer and alcoholic.

And the maternal relatives (my mother’s sisters) used to say, with me around, “He is just like his father.” My mother would say, “You even walk like Daddy.” I knew what their comments meant. “I’m such a bad boy… I may steal. I may even kill.” My mother was, and still is, over-protective even when she is not able to provide any practical help to me. Never have I placed my parents in my mind picture toghther.

Pull the Plug of Crying

When still staying at BC with Q, during a major bout of depression, I was listening to the 3rd with a headphone and I started crying… Q, already in bed and perhaps asleep, heard my crying voice. What she did was pull the plug and said to me, “!@#$%^&* sleep!”

Osaka, Kitashinchi, Torijin and G. Mahler

北新地デ酒飲ンダ後ノ、ソバハウマカッタ。「とり甚」ノ鶏モ、ウマカッタ。皮ノカラ揚げ。モウ、７、８年前ノコトダナ。２度ト味ワエナイカモ。

*

Compact discs were not available yet. I don’t remember why I chose Mahler’s 1st symphony (Bruno Walter, CBS Symphony). It was when I was 17 or 18 years old. The last movement that starts with a cymbal was shocking and as it progresses, its sound strongly moved my emotion.

I understand I am one of those people who can be easily touched by andante, adagio, adagietto or Langsam--Ruhevoll--Empfunden (Slowly, tranquil, deeply felt) movements. The 3rd’s last, 6th’s 3rd and the 9th’s last… And all of the 2nd and 9th.

Mahler’s symphonies are one long series. They shouldn’t be listened to separately. And his music, I believe, contributed negatively to my psyche.

Fujinami Takao -- Scapegoat

毎日新聞のコラム「近聞遠見」に、未公開株譲渡が問題となった「リクルート事件」で１審無罪、２審、３審で有罪が確定し、先月28日に74歳で亡くなった藤波孝生元官房長官のことが書かれている。コラムの執筆者で、議員辞職勧告決議案が否決された日に「小鳥来る　藤波孝生述」との書簡を受け取った岩見隆夫は藤波のことを「一人の折り目正しい政治家」と表現し、その「述懐には鬼気迫るものがあった。同時に胸を打つ。検察の捜査をめぐって、“その時に私がスケープゴートに立つことに決まったようだ”」という藤波の文章を紹介している。俳人でもあったこの政治家は、一体誰のためにスケープゴートになったのだろうか？

What's Wrong with being Drunk?

酔ッパラッテ、何ガ悪イ。

Triple-Death Year Starts

44: double death and 11+2=4=triple death

*

I planed to go to the IRAS to file my income tax today, but woke up too late. Then, I’ve decided to choose the online filing.

*

ニューヨーク・ヤンキースの監督が退任した。ロサンゼルス・ドジャースの監督就任が伝えられている。さて、この監督の名前のカタカナ表記だが、ヨギ・ベラ（Yogi Berra）が監督だった74年、ニューヨーク・メッツの選手としてシーバー（Tom Seaver）、キングマン(Dave Kingman)、後に大洋ホエールズに入団することになるミヤーン（Félix Millán）などと来日した際は、どのメディアも「ジョー・トーレ（Joe Torre）」で統一していた。それがヤンキース監督になった頃から「ジョー・トーリ」と表記されるようになった。最近気付いたが、「スポーツ報知」は「トーレ」と表記を戻したようだ。

*

福田首相が民主党の小沢党首に連立を打診したと、各紙のウェブサイトが速報している。ただ、「自民、公明両党と民主党による連立」と公明党の名前を入れて報道しているのは今のことろ朝日だけ。新進党解党後に「公明党は党内党を作る」と言って批判した小沢党首が公明党が参加する連立に応じるわけがない。仮に実現しても、排除された党から「翼賛」だと批判が出るのは必至だろう。

My Friend's Friend is an Al-Queda Member

「友人の友人がアルカイーダ」（鳩山法相）に「アイヌの血を引く蛮族」（山岡民主党国対委員長）。言葉がすべてと言ってもいい政治家のとんでもない発言が相次いでいる。何を考えてるんだろう。あまりに情けない。

*

很累了。ほんとに。