Friday, November 30, 2007

"Gomen Ne" CD by A-Mei

張恵妹の「♫ ごめんね」(曲名忘れた)が収録されているCDを買うつもりで、近くの「That CD Shop」に行った。彼女のCDを1枚も見つけられんと、何にも買わんと帰ってきた。ただ、なぜか「西城秀樹」「近藤真彦」「五輪真弓」のCDが並んでた。売れるんかいな。

Last night, I received a call from ANL, and met him at the nearby food court for some beer. I was wearing my “Nishitetsu Lions” T-shirt. Remarkably, he recognized the team!!

Some beer… But I was drunk enough, and today I didn’t even remember that I had already uploaded yesterday’s diary to my blog site after midnight.

Reading Said or Chomsky always makes me realize my lamentably insufficient aptitude of structuring sentences and vocabulary. Insufficient aptitude… If it’s insufficient, it cannot be called aptitude… More appropriate words are “Bodoh” and “笨笨(gong gong or ben ben).”





This thought of mine to visit Myanmar is growing… But searching work for a cheap air ticket between Singapore and there really saps my energy.

Japanese Translation of "Orientalism"

A Japanese translation version of “Orientalism” is available. Who is this translator? To translate this magnificent book, it requires not only a tremendous amount of knowledge of colonial history, East and West, but linguistics, philology, epistemology, etc. This book cannot be translated without recognizing the difference between linguistics and philology and what kind of academic subject epistemology is…

I don’t intend to read the Japanese version of “Orienalism.” Never. While translation work can be simple word replacement (though it must not be so), this book is so deep, a mere translator cannot and should not handle this work by Said.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Second Trip to the End of the Land

My second trip to P. Ris, the end of the land. Soon after I left home, I realized that I had forgotten to bring “Orientalism (now page 222).” On bus and train, I can read with concentration. There was no time to go back to home. Moreover, at the entrance gate of the station, the value of my EZLink card was already negative… And I found that the machine system to add value to cards changed and took more than a few minutes to complete a simple transaction.

However, every time I spend a nice time with her, and today was not an exception. I hope I’m not trying to go too fast. I just wish that she continue her learning with or without me. My role is to introduce basic matters to her so that she becomes willing to apply them to further her learning.

Remembering my days in Taiwan (2000), I started listening Zhang Hui Mei (A-Mei) again.

According to the “Epoch Times – Singapore (1-7 November 2006),” Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew “stressed” in the speech he made in Dallas that “no problem with Falun Gong in Singapore; it enjoys freedom” and wished its practitioners “success in their efforts to gain freedom in mediation [in China].” I don’t know why such an old edition came today. But the content is of significant importance.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Matter of Surprise. Good Sign?

A matter of some surprise is that for more than a week, my sleeping pattern is ok. The medication is the same, and when I drink, I do so quite a lot. Whilst stress from working may have disappeared, stress from not working should be felt. I don’t spend in bed for 16, 20 or 30 hours… Not only about my sleep have I been eating regularly, even three meals a day, when I used to manage a light meal. What is happening to me? I don’t know this is thanks to what, but I want to believe this is a good sign.


The Official Frank Zappa Website is having trouble???? Accessing it, it’s all dark gray…

Monday, November 26, 2007

Miscellaneous Yatata










Another Middle East peace talks begin tomorrow in Annapolis, Maryland. If any compromise is to be established, it will be something favorable to Israel. And the Palestinians will be deeply disappointed yet again. It should be clearly undeniable that the U.S. cannot be a neutral and honest broker to Arab-Israeli negotiations.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Early Xmas Gift to Myself

With no prospect of steady income, I know I should not spend. However, staying home day after day, because going out means spending, is becoming too much. Late afternoon yesterday, I had a message from AZ and we decided to meet for dinner. I enjoyed my second encounter with her. Her proposal of Japanese lessons is, I believe, an unexpected positive happening to maintain my tie to the world.

And today, the last day of a 20%-off weekend at Kinokuniya, I bought “Milosevic” by Adam LeBor, “The Temperance Dairy (「さかだち日記」)” by 中島らも and some Japanese learning materials.

Kinokuniya used to have no book about Milosevic as far as I can remember, but today I found three about him and a few about Gorbachev. Fidel Castro’s autobiography was also on sale. It was over $70. I didn’t buy it.

So, yesterday and today, it was quite a case of big spending by my present standard. But let me consider all as an early Christmas gift to myself…

But as happened many times before, I feel kinda miserable on the next day after a pleasant night. It is like “reverse correction” of mental condition.

Friday, November 23, 2007

My Printer Given by the Late Mr. F

I went to the computer shop at TB Plaza to buy ink cartridges for my EPSON printer and a 2GB memory stick. To prepare materials for Japanese lessons, I decided to set up the printer, which has been sleeping in the storeroom since I moved to this KTP flat. The printer was given by the late Mr. F some years back.

Basically, it takes only a USB cable to set up the printer, but to print a page, an error message appeared again and again and again… It took me more than a few hours to solve the problem. It was a problem of the port the printer is connected to.

By teaching or simply talking about the Japanese language, I can relearn it and it surely reminds me that I’m Japanese.




More than 200 pages of “Orientalism” are behind me. It may still take another month to read the last page of it…

Thursday, November 22, 2007

US Nuclear Weapons in Okinawa



Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Early Bird (in a Way)

Almost same on Monday. Yesterday I believe I went to bed only at 2 am and woke up 4:30 am and woke up again at 7:30. I don’t know whether or not I was sleeping for the three hours. But anyway, I left bed at 8:30 am.

Monday, November 19, 2007

"Party within Party" to be Excluded, Ozawa Suggests

Almost everyday at night, I go to a nearby store. I feel glad when any of them working there say “Hello” to me with a smile.

2007.11.19 20:37


Waking up Early after Nice Sleep

Again I took two Epilims (sodium valproate) and a Valium (diazepam) together. And again it was nice sleep, except I woke up at 4:30 am. For the following four hours, I don’t know if I was sleeping or merely closing my eyes. Miraculously I got out and up from bed at 8:00 am. Strictly speaking, I’m not observing instructions by the doctor. I’d like to be sure there is no adverse interaction caused by taking the two different types of drugs at the same time. It this a faint sign that my condition is improving?

Then this afternoon, trying to proceed with “Orientalim,” I had a peaceful nap for more than a few hours.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

"Naked Lunch" is not Available

I don’t remember exactly at what time I went to bed, but it didn’t take long for me to fall asleep, maybe thanks to two Epilims and a Valium. Valium is not supposed to be taken so late. The doctor’s instruction is take it at 10:00 pm…

When I opened my eyes, it was still before dawn. So I, in an unreasonable mind, took two more Epilims and another Valium. Well it was nice sleep. But when I finally got up, I was feeling drowsy…

Right after finishing “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」),” I went to Kinokuniya (Ngee Ann City) to buy “Naked Lunch” by William Burroughs, which was mentioned in Ramo’s book, but the bookstore didn’t have it. Instead, I got some basic Japanese learning materials.

“Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town” is not a joke story. The scenes where Ramo and another patient and then his doctor have ethyl alcohol used to clean dead bodies at the hospital’s mortuary are even shocking…

Perhaps, the he studied this much about addiction is from a similar motivation that makes me learn more about depression.


I don’t know what Chinese religious sect it is, but to me, it often sounds very strange to bring a live band to let it play Chinese popular songs. I understand Chinese funerals are very loud (from the movie “Year of the Dragon”). Though I am very generous and understanding about a Chinese clarinet, then a saxophone, an electric guitar and drums? .

When I die, I don’t want to have that sort of ceremony. And definitely, I don’t want the Soka-style ceremony. I would want my friends to say “Good bye for now” to me and to be cremated and scatter the ashes to the sea so that I could go anywhere in the world.

Who's Crazy? You or Me?

I have almost finished “Tonight, at the All the Bars in Town (「今夜、すべてのバーで」)” by Nakajima Ramo (中島らも). He knew a lot about addiction, alcohol or drugs. In the book, he even talks about Karl Menninger, who, according to Andrew Solomon’s “The Noonday Demon,” said that suicide requires the coincidence of “the wish to kill, the wish to be killed, and the wish to die.”

And he cites diazepam, nitrazepam, opioid, methaqualone, ethinamate, ethchlovynol, amobarbital, pentobarbital, meperidine, Brovarin (bromovelerylurea), Elavil (amitriptyline), Aventyl (nortriptyline hydrochloride) and others. As he of course writes names in “katakana,” I cannot figure all out.

And I have taken the followings over years:
Zoloft (SSRI)
Zopiclone (cyclopyrrolone)
Lexapro (SSRI)
Ativan (lorazepam)
Epilim (Sodium valproate)
Valparin (valproic acid)
Effexor (SNRI)
Xanax (benzodiazepine)
Valium (diazepam)
Cymbalta (SNRI)

Hahaha!! What am I doing here??? I’m not going to be any kind of addict!!! But one interesting thing is he advocated the monopoly of controlled drugs by the government. It pretty much sounds like the view of the E.

At times, I feel quite ok or very “normal” and those who think I’m crazy are in truth “abnormal.”

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Funny Pattern of Sleep Continues

It was 10:30 pm when I got out of bed. Following the funeral music of a few days ago, big noises coming from a construction site irritated me very much, making disappear any energy or willingness to do something constructive from my mind. A construction site destroyed my constructive mind. I, not surprisingly at all, stayed in bed in a petulant fit of pique with earplugs on. And Q came for house cleaning, which disturbed and thus prolonged my sleeping. Anyway, there seems nothing that I should do or enjoy only during the daytime. Eating? I’m not so interested in food in the first place. Sleeping takes precedence over eating, certainly. I cannot think of things I cannot do productively in the night. While feeling that I should alter this funny pattern of sleep, I like the sereneness of the night.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My First Nakajima Ramo Book

Liang Courtまで行った。うちからやったので、今日は195番のバスで。中島らもの「今夜、すべてのバーで」を買ってきた。自らのアル中体験を小説化したもの。「……リアリティに対してもともと抗性のない人間が、アル中なり薬物中毒になるのかもしれない」と書いてるけど、「私の人生はフィクションです」と言うてみたい気がしないわけでもない。


「中島らも」という名前に初めて出会たんは、「啓蒙かまぼこ新聞」か「明るい悩み相談室」のどっちかやった。「明るい悩み相談室」は、KalamazooのWaldo Libraryに置いてあった数日遅れの朝日新聞で読んでた。1987年のこと。その後、テレビで見るようになったけど、(酔ってるせいでか)早口言葉はでけへんやろなぁと思わせる話し方とめがねでいっぺん見たら忘れんかった。なぜか、中島らもを思うと、「ひさうちみちお」もいっしょに頭に出てきてしまう。しゃべりがちょっと似てるからか。

連載で笑わしてくれんのは、「米朝 口まかせ」(朝日)と「京の噺家桂米二でございます」(日経)。育った日本語で話すことが減ってしもたさかい、文章でもええから接したいと思うんやろな。あぁ、落語が聞きたい。ウェブサイト「なにわテレビ」の「落語チャンネル」がさっぱり更新されへんので、困ったもんや。

Sooooo Irritated

Very high irritability. Went to bed at 5 am and woke up at 8 am. Then funeral music started outside. A live band was playing very loudly. Extremely irritated though I have no grudge toward the dead person. Stayed in bed till midnight.

The autographed baseballs are missing together with the wooden box in which I was keeping them! Among them was one of major Hawks players of 1976, including Nomura (野村), Enatsu (江夏), Fujiwara (藤原) and Kadota (門田)… I got the ball from the Hawks program the Radio Osaka was broadcasting then.

Asked Q where they are. “In the store room.” A huge sigh of relief…


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Junior High Friend






Tuesday, November 13, 2007

1st Person Singular

It appears it’s always “first person singular.” I do want to use “first person plural.”

♫ “I’m the best of all the worst
The torture never stops
That’s the deal I’m dealing in
Who is that person that he's locked away down there
Is he crazy?
Is he sainted?
Is he a zero someone painted?”

I now know (to some extent) what E.W. Said is talking about in his “Orientalism.” Hahaha!! Still around page 135.

Trying to Cling to Imagined Hopes

No doubt about it. I’m feeling a debilitating sense of insecurity and also absurdness. And this feeling of insecurity makes me attempt to hold on to any kind of hope, offline or online, that I have come across. The result is ironically more insecurity because so far hopes, presumably real, have been all creation of my imagination. It is not anybody’s betrayal, but my own fault. I should blame myself for thinking that I have found something I can grab and retain to myself. How silly.

In my mind, I cannot depict my future, even a day ahead. Or the only sort of future I see these days is all dark. I try to sleep so I can avoid meeting my Black Cat while awake. Daytime, when people are active, is the worst. I do not want to look at this inert person in broad daylight.

"Iron Arm" Inao Kazuhisa is Dead at 70



Sunday, November 11, 2007

No from YouTube "Rakugo"


Saturday, November 10, 2007

More Than 30000 Kill Themselves a Year in Japan



Got out of bed at 9:30 pm… Alamak, something seems still very wrong.

Convenience Store Talk

Carlsberg Beer, probably the best beer in the world. In what way? Its combination of the alcohol degree and taste?

Almost everyday, I go to the nearby convenience store to buy some beer. And I sometimes see a friendly old man there, who today said to me, “Coming to Singapore and work and enjoy!!” “I’ve got retrenched recently and I need a job. Find me one” I said. He told me to check the “Straits Times.” He is also the one who mentioned the year of the Japanese invasion (wrongly) sometime ago. Because I got many cans today, I excused (I mean lied) “No lah, with my friend.” He asked, even though I said “my friend,” “how many?” I said “two of us.” He and a young girl working with him still seemed surprised.

Upside down Sleeping Time

After reading some (not many) pages of “Orientalism,” I finally fell into sleep around noon and woke up at 5 pm. I believe that I have a few more Said and Chomsky books to read. I shouldn’t stop here.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Another No Sleep Night


No Concentration

Trying to read “Orientalism” but not able to concentrate. Trying to listen to music, Zappa or otherwise, but not able to really enjoy it. (If you have to try to listen, you shouldn’t listen to that music.)

More than anything else, I stopped reading the E. It was something that I had continued almost obsessively.

To Meidi-Ya on Tuesday, I walked from Clarke Quay station. From Exit C, it was like a boot camp training. No escalator. Walking steps up and up and up… I got muscle pain in my calves.

I learned also on Tuesday that CH had left the company. She is the one who asked me “what do you think about the culture here?”

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Dewali Holiday

This morning, I heard voices of kids and a sound of explosion of what seemed like crackers. It’s Dewali. Sometime later, I also heard the voice of a man though I couldn’t figure out what the voice was saying. A cop, maybe?

I like to talk and I like to be silent. I miss people and I like to be alone.

Good or Confusing?

Has it been a good day or confusing day?

Q came and mentioned that she might move to M. Parade. Then what shall I do, if it really happens? Why move so often??

I collected my passport. Arrived at the company more than two hours late.

I had a short talk with the HR manager and she was extremely nice to me to the last moment. She said, “Keep in touch. There is a team in Japan translating financial news. Let me know if you go back to Japan…” Japan… Japan… At this moment, I really don’t know…

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

End of It

I managed to visit DJ to pass my passport and EP card this morning after I stayed up overnight. I wanted to see the HR manager, but then the receptionist said, “I am the one who does it.” So I didn’t insist on seeing her, though I said to the receptionist that she knew I would come. No smile, it all took three minutes.

Coming back home, I emailed the HR manager to let her know that I had left my passport and card at the reception and I would visit the company again tomorrow to collect my passport, and she kindly replied. I will see her probably for the last time.

On the way home, I accidentally met my former colleague at the exit of “Meidi-Ya.” And I learned that that the chief editor had left the company. Oh……… Such a competent editor... Surely a big loss for the company.

I Wanna Stay in Bed Forever

I had to cancel today’s 10:30 am visit though I think I could have gone out if I pushed myself hard enough. Right after I emailed to notify my no-show, I went back to bed, and stayed there until 2 am.

With mother and brother, I was walking down a well-tended road with a white center line newly painted. To our right, there was quiet sea. They may have proceeded without me. I don’t know… But suddenly I found myself alone. Across the road, there was a large group of people, men and women, young and old, celebrating the day with some ritual performances. I joined them. The structures were all rusty low tin-roofed and it was a messy place. Nothing was clean. I even found two human-sized brown rabbits that were talking to each other in a language I didn’t understand. It was rather a scary scene.

I wanted to leave this bizarre place but didn’t know the way at all. Then, I saw a man in the crowd, whose presence definitely changed my mind. He was Fujita Manabu (藤田学). The rookie of the year in 1976. I approached him and asked him if he remembered an enveloped containing a 500 yen bill I had sent to him in 77. “Oh, it was you!” he said. We took a few group photos with him in the center. He was a celebrity in town.

In (half) sleep, I was really confused about where I was, Japan or here. Maybe I was a bit hungry (whole day, no meal), seriously thinking about get some instant noodle or something from a kitchen cabinet. There is no such cabinet here. The image I was seeing was definitely of my old home in Japan…

Monday, November 05, 2007

FZ's Laughing Voice

You listen to Mahler? FZ must have been laughing.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Vivid Childhood Memories

Thunder storm!!

Because in my mother’s stories, my father seemed always the worst man who could be found in the whole world, I as a small kid rather seriously worried he might kill her one day. A wife-beater, womanizer and alcoholic.

And the maternal relatives (my mother’s sisters) used to say, with me around, “He is just like his father.” My mother would say, “You even walk like Daddy.” I knew what their comments meant. “I’m such a bad boy… I may steal. I may even kill.” My mother was, and still is, over-protective even when she is not able to provide any practical help to me. Never have I placed my parents in my mind picture toghther.

Pull the Plug of Crying

When still staying at BC with Q, during a major bout of depression, I was listening to the 3rd with a headphone and I started crying… Q, already in bed and perhaps asleep, heard my crying voice. What she did was pull the plug and said to me, “!@#$%^&* sleep!”

Osaka, Kitashinchi, Torijin and G. Mahler


Compact discs were not available yet. I don’t remember why I chose Mahler’s 1st symphony (Bruno Walter, CBS Symphony). It was when I was 17 or 18 years old. The last movement that starts with a cymbal was shocking and as it progresses, its sound strongly moved my emotion.

I understand I am one of those people who can be easily touched by andante, adagio, adagietto or Langsam--Ruhevoll--Empfunden (Slowly, tranquil, deeply felt) movements. The 3rd’s last, 6th’s 3rd and the 9th’s last… And all of the 2nd and 9th.

Mahler’s symphonies are one long series. They shouldn’t be listened to separately. And his music, I believe, contributed negatively to my psyche.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Fujinami Takao -- Scapegoat

毎日新聞のコラム「近聞遠見」に、未公開株譲渡が問題となった「リクルート事件」で1審無罪、2審、3審で有罪が確定し、先月28日に74歳で亡くなった藤波孝生元官房長官のことが書かれている。コラムの執筆者で、議員辞職勧告決議案が否決された日に「小鳥来る 藤波孝生述」との書簡を受け取った岩見隆夫は藤波のことを「一人の折り目正しい政治家」と表現し、その「述懐には鬼気迫るものがあった。同時に胸を打つ。検察の捜査をめぐって、“その時に私がスケープゴートに立つことに決まったようだ”」という藤波の文章を紹介している。俳人でもあったこの政治家は、一体誰のためにスケープゴートになったのだろうか?

What's Wrong with being Drunk?


Friday, November 02, 2007

Triple-Death Year Starts

44: double death and 11+2=4=triple death

I planed to go to the IRAS to file my income tax today, but woke up too late. Then, I’ve decided to choose the online filing.

ニューヨーク・ヤンキースの監督が退任した。ロサンゼルス・ドジャースの監督就任が伝えられている。さて、この監督の名前のカタカナ表記だが、ヨギ・ベラ(Yogi Berra)が監督だった74年、ニューヨーク・メッツの選手としてシーバー(Tom Seaver)、キングマン(Dave Kingman)、後に大洋ホエールズに入団することになるミヤーン(Félix Millán)などと来日した際は、どのメディアも「ジョー・トーレ(Joe Torre)」で統一していた。それがヤンキース監督になった頃から「ジョー・トーリ」と表記されるようになった。最近気付いたが、「スポーツ報知」は「トーレ」と表記を戻したようだ。


Thursday, November 01, 2007

My Friend's Friend is an Al-Queda Member