Tatsumi, Greene and Solitude

きのうときょう、何年かぶりに「劇画漂流」（上下巻）を読んだ。きのうの夜は、これも

何年かぶりに「TATSUMI」を見た。孤独さがにじむ場面がいくつもある。

「Ways of Escape」や「The Life of Graham Greene」にも、孤独である

ことのつらさやその必要性についての記述が登場する。しかし、家族や友人との交

わりの場面も多い。

辰巳先生には身近に兄であり議論の相手だった「桜井昌一」が存在したし、同業者

や出版社の人たちとの関わりは避けて通れない。先生はこの関わりのうちの少なく

とも数割を、刺激あるものとして楽しんでいたのではないかと推測する。

Graham Greeneが経験した家族関係からは、冷徹、嫉妬、侮蔑が感じられるが、

彼は母親に手紙を書き続けて近況を報告している。また自伝の中で紹介できるほど

親しい友人もいた。

また、創作活動をする人たちには、作品を出版社に持ち込むという共通点がある。

自分はどうか？昔から家族は「ある」と言うより「ない」と言った方が正しい。同業者

と呼べる人たちは、おそらくCYを除いていない。「創作」しているわけではなので、出

版社と縁があるわけでもない。親しい友人として紹介できる人がいるのかどうか、疑

問。

クリスマスからこの旧正月にかけては、仕事量も減るので、不健全な思考に支配さ

れる。ずっと眠っていたい。目覚めた途端に血圧の上昇を感じることがしばしばある。

両手首が破裂しそうに脈打っている。抱える問題を解決できるようなきっかけさえ与

えてくれる人はいない。「自分で解決せよ」ということだろう。限界がどんどん近づいて

いる。

SHAME ON YOU, MARIA LESSIE FLORES. DO YOU KNOW
YOU ARE WANTED BY YOUR POLICE.

Alcohol Intake Record:

January 24 (Tue.) – 27 (Fri.): red/white wine

January 28 (Sat.): beer + white wine

 

Do I Still Remember How to Sleep? + OA's case

It seems I’ve forgotten how to sleep. It doesn’t matter

whether it’s a bottle of wine or two. I can’t sleep when

I should.

OA’s case: It was already many years ago. It should be in

2009 soon before the lunar new year holiday. I stayed

three or four nights at a US15-a-night guest house. She

was friendly, or rather aggressive as she took my hand the

moment we met for the first time. She navigated me and took

me to a few places of interest carrying me on her Honda. It

was when I was starting my own business, feeling very

insecure. But her intention seemed to get married to any

decent man to get out of poverty. I was not really ready

not least because of my business. And though she was really

“taking care” of me, her small lies made to achieve her goal

were annoying me. She asked me to lend her S$200, and I gave

her S$100 almost knowing the money would never come back to

me. I remember saying to her, “I’m the poorest Japanese in

Singapore.” Within a month or so, I went back to see her,

and it was after the lunar new year holiday. I stayed for

about three weeks at the guesthouse I had lodged on my

previous occasion. It was US14 a night. And I met her

everyday, except a night I spent in Cambodia, during my stay.

I even visited her house and met her very extended “who’s

who” family. Those days remain fond memories but the game she

seemed to be playing really bothered me. During my stay, she

started working at a Singaporean restaurant and after a few

days, she said, “The wife of the owner (Singaporean) is

jealous of me.” We kept in touch for some time, chatting

online. In the following years, she wrote me to ask for money

twice. I refused both times. By refusing, I may have destroyed

her family. And I'm feeling more insecure than I was then.