MOTHER

I don’t know if it is because brother has seen so much of mother’s condition for the past many years that he can behave in such a business-like way toward her. Or if he has already gone through the emotional stage I’m now experiencing and can be calm now.

I was imagining she had lost almost all her memories. But it was not the case. She is retaining her cognition to an extent and able to analyze her situation quite objectively. She understands she is now at a nursing home though she never uses the words. She was touching me and holding my hand knowing it was one of the final occasions to be with me, as if attempting to drill the moment into her brain indelibly. I wish I could be with her now.

Well, I also don’t know if she is really able to recognize me or she only believes I am a son of hers because I say so. However, spending time with her, I am sure she is retaining some communicative capability. Otherwise, she wouldn’t say things like “I understand nothing,” “What do you think I shall do?,” “I know I’ll die soon” or “It’ll be better for me to be dead.” When I said, “You used to say, ‘I’m going to live to 100 years old,’” she replied, “I was saying so, but I’ve lost my confidence.”

Her memory is definitely jumbled and her way of talk is so blunt and loud. She was a talkative person, often unnecessarily so. Now she is able only to throw short sentences at me. She doesn’t care what other people in the same room think about her, just like a small child.

Yes, mother has become a child who is difficult to control. At the same time, she still shows motherly love toward me. An uncontrollable child with motherly love makes me feel like she is now my daughter.