Still Fuming Today and Warning to HIM

Yesterday (8^th), I started my 15^th
year here. I met a friend who spends half of his time here and the other half
in Japan because I had something to ask him to bring back to Japan. After
dinner with him, I alone went on to CC.

There, I saw HIM again. When I met HIM there two weeks ago,
HE was saying that he would go back to HIS country at the end of August. I
thought HE finally had made up HIS mind to start it over and reconstruct HIS
life there.

According to the CC manager, HE is still coming every night
and sleeps in the outside seating area. Some customers had complained about this
sleeping man and HIS odor. The manager also showed me three bags, one of which
is a Takashimaya paper bag, HE had ask CC to keep them in its storage area. She says
one of them is smelly and she doesn’t want to touch them.

Worse, nowadays HE doesn’t order any drink. (HE would order
a glass of tomato juice.) HE brings HIS own bottle of water. Isn’t it a little
too much of HIM to come to a bar every night, order nothing, and make other
customers unhappy. HE even asks the staff to change the TV channel to HIS
favorite one. Man, you’re not a customer anymore. And behaving this way? Isn’t it
a little too much, really?

Last night, HE was sitting with two other guys, whom I’ve
known for some years but I’m not very close to. HE tried to talk to me about a
Japanese tennis player, but I wasn’t interested. Later, I poured out my feeling
about HIM to one of the guys who is from HIS country. I said to him, “My best
friend’s become impossible.” And what the manager had told me. “Your best friend”
is how he describes HIM. It was a big mistake. He glanced at me with an
accusing face and said something like, “He’s been going through tough times and
it can happen to anybody. She is ‘only’ a bar manager and do you believe what she
told you? Now are you complaining about him, blaming him? You hate him? If you
hate him, just ignore him. HE may have an interview with a nice company tomorrow and
become a billionaire.”

I do think this is absolutely unfair to me, and to her (“only”
a bar manager). Probably I, more than anybody else, have given HIM suggestions,
advices, criticism, and encouragement, of course with a great amount of frustration.
I believe I’ve shared enough of his tough times. HE bores and irritates me. Today,
I spent my time fuming about what happened last night. Warning to HIM: CC is
not your living room. Not your bedroom. Nor is it your warehouse.

And
the CC boss believes that HE has no place to stay at and is wandering around Orchard
area. If it’s really so, we call such a person homeless.

I Need to Turn This Around

I need to turn this around. Although my meeting with mother
had affected my feeling, I was still doing okay until this month started. I had
energy to maintain my exercise schedule and was even feeling physical strength.
For the past few weeks though, I’ve been feeling rather down. I’ve been drinking
more than before and I stay in bed around 10 hours everyday. I usually wake up
after a few hours and feeling thirsty go to the fridge to grab a tea bottle and
go back to bed. As is always the case like this, I can’t put my finger on what
is causing this sleeping trouble and general fatigue. Now I need a lot of
energy to force me to exercise, to feel the energy post-exercise.

True, I’ve been quite busy with work perhaps since late February
or early March. Thanks to this, I should be feeling assured and secure because
this financial year will be profitable. But I’m going very slow with the
current work, partly because this is kind of tough to deal with. And partly
because I’ve burnt myself out?

I really don’t feel going out of this neighborhood. And a
little comfort this place manages to provide me seems good enough to me… Then,
it means I’m condemned to be totally alone.

The place to go is CC. However, it’s very difficult not to
see Him there these days. A few Sundays ago, I went there only to find Him. He
told me He was coming down to Orchard to watch World Cup matches at a hotel bar
after midnight where “I don’t have to order anything,” perhaps after spending
hours at CC with a glass of juice. Nothing to be proud of.

And last Friday He was at CC again. The floor manager, and
He Himself, told me that He comes every night. Someone who has been completely
jobless for nearly two years and almost completely jobless for five years
coming to CC every night for a glass of juice and a free water and staying
there for hours... Sounds miserable. And what can we talk about when we meet?

There is nothing but His job search to talk about. He
certainly bores, irritates so terribly me with excuses not to take action and I
even need to raise my voice. I guess there’re not many employers who are
willing to hire someone who has been without a job for two years. What I tell
Him is the longer it is the tougher to find a job. Seems He’s still hoping
something better will come. Very fat chance. His friends have been trying to
help Him, but he must not expect somebody’s working full time for Him. And no
result for two years. Effectively He’s destroyed his career. Pride so high, He’s
unwilling to take up a job in the F&B industry where he may have a chance as
a waiter or kitchen help. He doesn’t understand He is in a better position
because He’s a permanent resident here. He can do whatever jobs offered. I’m
not allowed to do so.

He doesn’t want to go home. Well, his is a vast country. Why
does working in His country mean going back to His hometown?   

HE DOESN’T GET IT. AND HE HAS ONLY HIMSELF TO BLAME.

And feeling alone here, feeling alone out, do I only have
myself to blame? Currently, reading “Impossible Dream: The Marcoses, The Aquinos,
and The Unfinished Revolution” by Sandra Burton.

Trouble with sleeping

Trouble with sleeping. Some nights, I can sleep only for a
few hours and, other nights, need more than a dozen hours. This may be caused
by small burnout after almost non-stop work since late February or early March
and I’m having a few days of no work. Turning and tossing in that state I hate,
I think about my father, mother and brother, my family.

Because
I had no new book to read, I dug out old TIME and NEWSWEEK of almost 30 years
ago on that series of events in the Philippines from Aquino’s declaration of candidacy
to Marcos’s fleeing to Hawaii, which would become known as People Power, or
EDSA, Revolution. It was my first lesson on international politics.

Irritation about Life!!

I don’t remember exactly when this flow of work started, though it seems it did late February or early March. Since then, I haven’t had a real day off. Good and bad. The corporate finance to June won’t be too bad as I’m managing to make a small profit, and I hope this continues to the end of this financial year.

Not having had a real day off means I’ve been contained, or detained, in this apartment effectively. The only time I went out to have my time with others was April 14, when I met three guys for dinner, one of whom I hadn’t met more than 10 years. We are like comrades who survived a large translation project, a battle, some 13 years ago. I enjoyed that reunion. After we parted, I went on to CC for some more drink.

Being home almost all the time, except when I go to the supermarket for grocery shopping, is also affecting my daily life. Very often, I stay up until early morning (5:00 am in a few occasions) doing an online word game and watching YouTube and wake up only in the afternoon. Today, I got out of bed relatively early at 10:00 am.

Staying in bed and in that familiar state of “half awake and half asleep,” my thinking almost always goes to mother and my history with her. I think… she didn’t like me very much. Her attitude toward me when I was a small kid seems to me can be understood now with this idea that she was unhappy with me because I enjoyed being with father. Therefore all those stories told to me by her about him, telling me what a terribly violent and unethical person he was, perhaps trying to peel me off from him.

As for reading, after “America’s Boy,” I’ve read “The Story of English (Robert McCrum, Robert MacNeil and William Cran),” “The Fooling of America: The Untold Story of Carlos P. Romulo (Pio Andrade, Jr.),” “The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger),” “Douglas MacArthur: The Philippine Years (Carol Morris Petillo)” and “Corresponding with Carlos: A Biography of Carlos Kleiber (Charles Barber).”

“The Story of English” is its third edition and of course this is the base on which that famous TV series was created. This is a very nice book for one to see many Englishes used in today’s world in perspective but didn’t change my hostility toward so-called Singlish.

I decided to read “The Fooling of America” because the book was cited in “America’s Boy.” This was published by the author himself because no publishing house accepted his work. Surprisingly, I found his handwriting in this second-hand copy to “Dear Dr. Pontius” and comments throughout it. It was rather tedious to finish this book as this is badly written as the author is admitting in his message to the doctor and he is very emotional in many places. I wonder if Romulo was a politician so exceptionally deceptive. Many in almost every country are, and it shouldn’t be surprising at all when we talk about politicians in the Philippines.

“The Catcher in the Rye” is something I should’ve read years ago. But I had been ignoring American literature. As far as I remember, the other novel by an American author was “Sophie’s Choice.”

Carol Morris Petillo attempts to dissect the general’s psychology. A hero enthusiastically welcomed by the folks of my country at least partly because they were unaware of what sort of information control they were placed under, the author depicts him as a Mama boy.

“Corresponding with Carlos” must be a very rare source to look into the personality of this reclusive “old coot” conductor. It was like having a sneak view into private exchanges between Kleiber and the author though letters only about private matters are excluded from the book. It should be interesting when the book is perceived by combining it with the DVDs, “Carlos Kleiber: I am lost to the world” and “Carlos Kleiber: Traces to Nowhere.”

SMS Exchanges with HIM

On my
previous two occasions at CC (February 28 and March 14), I had met Him there. He’s
been jobless around a year and a half.

Then, SMS
exchanges with Him:

Him: 18:40,
March 26: … possible to meet at cc this week?

Me: 20:07,
March 26: Not sure. Any good news? Unwilling to go orchard only to drink at cc,
honestly.

Him: 20:24,
March 26: Thank you. No news yet. Pls try to come and let me know. Regards.

Him: 11:25,
March 28: Good day. Please try to come today. Thanks.

Me: 15:46,
March 28: I don’t think I can. Sorry.

Him: 17:10,
March 28: Thank you. Possible to call me?

Me: 19:15, March 28: Whatever for? I’m not your
boyfriend.