I Need to Turn This Around

I need to turn this around. Although my meeting with mother
had affected my feeling, I was still doing okay until this month started. I had
energy to maintain my exercise schedule and was even feeling physical strength.
For the past few weeks though, I’ve been feeling rather down. I’ve been drinking
more than before and I stay in bed around 10 hours everyday. I usually wake up
after a few hours and feeling thirsty go to the fridge to grab a tea bottle and
go back to bed. As is always the case like this, I can’t put my finger on what
is causing this sleeping trouble and general fatigue. Now I need a lot of
energy to force me to exercise, to feel the energy post-exercise.

True, I’ve been quite busy with work perhaps since late February
or early March. Thanks to this, I should be feeling assured and secure because
this financial year will be profitable. But I’m going very slow with the
current work, partly because this is kind of tough to deal with. And partly
because I’ve burnt myself out?

I really don’t feel going out of this neighborhood. And a
little comfort this place manages to provide me seems good enough to me… Then,
it means I’m condemned to be totally alone.

The place to go is CC. However, it’s very difficult not to
see Him there these days. A few Sundays ago, I went there only to find Him. He
told me He was coming down to Orchard to watch World Cup matches at a hotel bar
after midnight where “I don’t have to order anything,” perhaps after spending
hours at CC with a glass of juice. Nothing to be proud of.

And last Friday He was at CC again. The floor manager, and
He Himself, told me that He comes every night. Someone who has been completely
jobless for nearly two years and almost completely jobless for five years
coming to CC every night for a glass of juice and a free water and staying
there for hours... Sounds miserable. And what can we talk about when we meet?

There is nothing but His job search to talk about. He
certainly bores, irritates so terribly me with excuses not to take action and I
even need to raise my voice. I guess there’re not many employers who are
willing to hire someone who has been without a job for two years. What I tell
Him is the longer it is the tougher to find a job. Seems He’s still hoping
something better will come. Very fat chance. His friends have been trying to
help Him, but he must not expect somebody’s working full time for Him. And no
result for two years. Effectively He’s destroyed his career. Pride so high, He’s
unwilling to take up a job in the F&B industry where he may have a chance as
a waiter or kitchen help. He doesn’t understand He is in a better position
because He’s a permanent resident here. He can do whatever jobs offered. I’m
not allowed to do so.

He doesn’t want to go home. Well, his is a vast country. Why
does working in His country mean going back to His hometown?   

HE DOESN’T GET IT. AND HE HAS ONLY HIMSELF TO BLAME.

And feeling alone here, feeling alone out, do I only have
myself to blame? Currently, reading “Impossible Dream: The Marcoses, The Aquinos,
and The Unfinished Revolution” by Sandra Burton.