Wednesday, June 27, 2012

About Him Again

Last Monday afternoon, having cleared my work plate, I went to the bank to deposit three cheques. Then I came to the Orchard area as usually happens with me after a bank visit. At Kinokuniya, I bought yet another book by Maugham, On a Chinese Screen. Crossing Orchard Road, I settled down at the refurbished CBTL to finish The Gentleman at the Parlour, the introduction told me that he was homosexual. I moved on to CC to start On a Chinese Screen. The CC boss came to the direction of the table where I was sitting and mentioned his name to me. I couldn’t hold it back anymore and said to him, “It’s got too much. It is not friendship that he has been showing to me. I don’t want to see him again.” Though he joked, “you should be open to new things” his smile was one of uncomfortable nature. Within an hour, I thought I saw him go in. As soon as I did, my heart started pounding violently. Quickly I put On a Chinese Screen and my Kindle Fire into the bag and asked for the bill. While waiting for the bill to arrive, I got caught by a man whom I hadn’t met before. He started the conversation that someone has with a total stranger. He believed that I had just arrived though the truth is I came earlier than he and was drinking at the table right behind where he was. I was rather anxious to leave CC and turning my sight to the door to see if he was coming out or looking for me. I convinced myself that it was not possible for anyone sitting inside to see the position where I was. And I had another beer with this stranger.

My mind was not at peace at all and I decided to move to another place for more drink. I knew that I simply wanted to pour it out. It was around half past seven when I reached this another place, where I usually bring those who come from my client company in Japan. Because it was still early there was not a customer. I burst out what I had just experienced. I think this is a story that almost anyone can enjoy, me being chased by a man. I had divulged my trouble to some of the people there. And two of them, whom I have known for more than ten years, know him. After telling them the story of the night in a somewhat agitated manner, I felt easier.

It was already around or maybe past one o’clock. I was not satisfied yet. I went back to CC, knowing that at this late hour he was not there. I took a seat inside. The manager told me that he had been there the previous night. So I was wrong when I thought I saw him. The boss and the manager talk about him almost always when I visit CC. More than two years ago and also a few months ago when he came back here, the manager accused me saying, “Do you know how many times he has come to look for you?” Because she again mentioned him, I welcomed the occasion and told her how I had been feeling towards him or more exactly how he had been feeling and behaving towards me. I believe I will not have any accusative word from her anymore.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Nikkei Report + "I'm Afraid..."


Because of him, I hesitate to visit my usual bar to enjoy drinks. I’m afraid of meeting him, especially when I’m alone. Having a gay friend is one thing and having a gay friend who loves you is another thing.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Last Friday + Maugham's Agnosticism

Once again last Friday, I finished a three-week interpretation assignment. This time, a large part of my mind was taken up for the guy who spoke the Japanese TV language, a kind I hate. But I also think if his language, characterised by one-word expressions and fragmentary sentences, might not be reflecting his worries that were likely to be caused by his being in an alien land. He didn’t choose to come. His company did. His concerned face will remain with me.
After dinner with the three who came, I went to my usual bar with one of them whose flight was to take off well after midnight. After a while there, I found the man about whom I have written a few times already taken the seat next to me. I didn’t notice when he came in. I asked him about his new job which not surprisingly didn’t interest me. When I heard him whisper to himself, “happy to see him,” I began preparing to leave the place. I’m convinced he loves me.
We still had a few hours. So we, leaving the man behind, moved on to another, and more expensive, place. I had the courtesy to ask him if he wanted to come along and he said No. Unexpectedly she was there. She who I met three weeks previously and she with whom I had nice talk. I’m convinced she is interested in me. The feeling is mutual. Now she got my business card, but I don’t have her contact number.

In the final part of The Summing Up, Somerset Maugham writes about philosophy and then religion. “In religion above all things the only thing of use is an objective truth. The only God that is of use is a being who is personal, supreme and good, and whose existence is as certain as that two and two make four. I cannot penetrate the mystery. I remain an agnostic, and the practical outcome of agnosticism is that you act as though God did not exist.” (p. 268)