Mother's Condition (3)

Mother passed away this morning.

Mother's Condition and I Want to Complain

22日：ずっと表情は穏やか。まったく発声せず、無言。前日と同じく覚醒と睡眠を繰り返す。目線が合うと、それを追う。特に食事を与えている人（昨日は兄、この日は自分）の目をじっと見つめる。午後７時すぎの血圧は、確か116/65。これまでより低いが正常値だろう。正常に戻ったのか、血圧降下の始まりなのかはわからない。

23日：午前５時頃、チャンギ空港に到着。

On Sunday, she, whom I met two years ago, came to Mother’s room. We exchanged civilized greetings and she was talking about going to the Philippines next month for performance. I do not know what performance she does.

Later, Brother joined us. She said to him, “I should have brought a sketch book as I’ve never seen such an immovable person.”

After 6:00 pm, a cousin came to visit Mother. It was my first time I saw her since her father’s funeral ceremony, where I don’t think I had any word with her, though I remember that her mother, my aunt, thanked me for taking Mother there. (I didn’t know the aunt had passed away two years ago because Brother never informed me.)

Brother introduced her to our cousin, saying, “This is my wife.” Then he said, “This is my younger brother.” I said to my cousin, “Gobusatashiteimasu,” while she said to me, “Hajimemashite.” Something was wrong here.

A stranger thing is that Brother introduced her as “my wife.” I do not know when he divorced my sister-in-law and remarried her.

On Monday, she came again before Brother. She asked me if I had any pen. Unfortunately, I didn’t. When Brother came, she got a pen from him. True to her words of the previous day, she started drawing sketches of Mother. I was furious but went out for a cigarette to calm down. Coming back to the room, I said, “Can you stop doing this, treating Mother like a dead fish?” My body was shaking with anger. Would she do the same if Mother were immovable but able to express herself? Or would she do the same to other patients in other rooms?

Again, I do not know if this is the woman for whom Brother left my (now former) sister-in-law. Admitting that Mother has been irrational and illogical on many things, I have to say that it was quite legitimate for her to say, or complain, “He (Brother) never lets me see her.” I am not sure if this “her” is the person I met two years ago and these few days, though.

And she was behaving like she was a real daughter of Mother, touching and stroking her. Has she shared any experience with Mother when she was still okay? I don’t think so.

And I felt really uncomfortable when Brother and she, without me, were talking between them about how to deal with the stuff Mother left behind at her nursing home. Is it like I am an outsider and she an insider? What does she know about our rather turbulent history? Has she ever been any part of it?

Mother's Condition

18日：静かな様子。うつろだが、しっかりと目線を合わせて、手を伸ばして自分や兄の手を握ろうとする。「帰らないで」と訴えているようでつらい。まばたきしない。

19日：ずっと叫び続ける。「足が痛い」「オシッコしたい」「トイレ行きたい」「連れてって」と聞こえる叫び。また、「del, del, del!」「aw, aw, aw!」「bow, bow, bow!」という叫び。午後６時すぎ、施設からひとり見舞いに見える。ごはんを「手づかみ」で食べていたこと、固いせんべいを「歯が残っているから、おいしそうに食べていた」こと、正月に筆を持たすと、何か書いたこと（何と書いたのか聞く余裕なし）、どう調理しても飲み込むことが難しくなったことを知る。

20日：ずっと静かに眠っている。一瞬、心拍が49回/分まで下がる。

21日：覚醒と睡眠を繰り返す。弱い力で目線を合わせようとする。「del, del, del!」「aw, aw, aw!」「bow, bow, bow!」と叫ぶことが２度。

What Kind of Year Is This for Me?

This afternoon (September 8), Brother emailed me, saying that Mother had been in hospital since Sunday. She has symptoms of pneumonia and heart failure.

As he and I agreed when she got hospitalized last time, there will be not active treatment to prolong her life. Now, she is getting nutrients through an IV tube. Her condition seems better now, but it can change for the worse at any moment. It seems this stay of hers in hospital will be her last one.

My business in a bad shape, though with some sign of improvement lately, my private life in tatters, and now this. What kind of year is this for me?