My mind is failing to
cope with this extremely radical transition to an unknown life.
For the past few days
in particular, I’ve been experiencing symptoms similar to those of a panic
attack episode: hot flash, cold sweating, shaking fingers, floating feeling
(numbness of the body), tunnel vision, fear of a heart attack, etc. I’m also
losing appetite. I’ve had single-meal days.
I know that these should
disappear when I settle down in a new environment successfully with the cause
removed. However, there will be weeks before they are removed, and before that
to happen, I still have to take actions that I know I don’t want to, say, informing
the apartment owner of my decision of leaving, closing of my business here,
preparing cross-border moving and even marriage.
Every day, I try to
convince myself that I’m doing the right thing, no matter how disruptive it is
to the kind of life I’m used to in Singapore, where my situation is worsening. I’m
not doing this for today or tomorrow. I’m doing this for more distant future. And
I want reassurance, which is not coming.
I’m afraid of being
alone. But I really don’t know whom to meet or where to go to ease this sense
of isolation. I’ve experienced this feeling gets even worse when I find myself
alone among crowd. I need help.
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